I Can't Forgive My Ex

[Kebuhen]

I just can't seem to forgive my ex. She has ripped my heart out so many times over and over again.

She's diagnosed with PTSD. Since we got together almost two years ago, it's been a continuous pattern: We get together, things seem to be going great, then she breaks up with me because she says she needs to figure out who she is. We part ways, only for us to reunite again. Then she inevitably breaks things off in the same exact way, only for us to reunite again and again and again.

I'm losing my sanity. I know it's ridiculous. I just keep thinking 'this time will be different' for some reason. But then it never, ever is. I've started to feel so much anger and resentment. How could she keep doing this? And why? Why on earth keep getting back, only to turn around and leave again? I've started to feel like it's malicious on her part. Deep down, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she did love me and it was never intentional. But when I look back on everything that's ever happened, over and over, it just seems like she meant to hurt me. Why else would you keep going back and forth so many times over?

 

[Kohov]

Stress cup.

 

[Kebuhen]

Can you explain?

 

[Kebuhen]

I mean, I know the stress cup. I know so much about PTSD and symptomology, etc. But I also read about so many other couples who worked through PTSD and managed to stay together and not have these types of issues.

 

[Ipuzon]

Both parties have to be willing to do the work for the relationship to work... not one, or the other.

 

[Wibuto]

PTSD varies from one person to the next, just as with any disorder. At what age was her trauma? Is she in treatment? There are so many factors. It's hard to say simply based on only knowing that she leaves and comes back.

 

[Kebuhen]

Her trauma was childhood and teenage years. She is in treatment, but only seems to take it seriously when we are broken up. When we are together, she neglects taking care of herself emotionally. I try to encourage her so many times to call her therapist and schedule an appointment but she won't do it for some reason. Or I encourage her to take an day or two to just herself to regroup and focus on herself - but once again, she won't do it. Then she comes back saying she needs to be alone to get to know herself and get whole again. That she can't so it with me. But she doesn't try! I've done all I can to get her to do her part. Only time she works in herself is when wenare broken up.

 

[Isi]

I doubt it was intentional, but you would have to ask her if it was. You blame her, but you kept taking her back knowing how she was, expecting this time it would be different, never really accepting her as she is: someone who can't consistently stay in a relationship. You kept taking her back. She kept leaving, and yes, it's hurtful and awful, but you can't put all the blame on her.

 

[Kebuhen]

I always accepted her as she was in regards to PTSD. I always loved her and supported her completely. I always told her that I didn't need her to change a thing, and I would always he there, etc. And I was.

Yes, it is partly my fault. But each time, she told me it would be different. That she thought we would be okay. Then a month later, bam, back to her leaving.

How can someone be unable to usge a consistent relationship that drastically? I just don't get it. One minute, I'm the love of her life, the next, she needs out. The next, she misses me and says I'm the love of her life again. Then we are back together and guess what? A few weeks later, she needs to alone again. It's maddening. I feel like the jokes on me.

 

[Kebuhen]

It partly IS my fault for going back, but I've just never experienced something like this before. I've never had someone do this. Be so inconsistent. It's shocking and baffling. I just wanted to have faith in her.

 

[Sidoha]

You have a choice here - it. It might seem the harder thing to do but you CAN walk away from the relationship once and for all.

Doing so will stop the cycle repeating over and over. And give you a chance to heal so you can move on.

I don't think it's helpful to blame her- I understand you feeling angry at being hurt and feeling rejected but YOU made the decision each time to go back to her - I think you need to A&E responsibility for that AND focus on learning what is is about YOU that made it ok to put yourself through that over and over again? (I'm thinking low self esteem here)

 

[Kebuhen]

You're absolutely right, and I have been trying to look at why I keep accepting this over and over. It's weird because it's not low self esteem. I have always been confident. I know I am a catch. For some reason, it's like a strange compulsion. Well, first reason is because I love her. When things are good, they are great. But then this happens. Then we part and I tell myself I'm better off for it and it will get better. Then after about a week, I start to miss her horribly, then I start to question if it was my fault or if I had done something wrong. Because usually, she will break up with me after I've done something to her dislike.

For example, this past time, I woke up to a page long text message explaining all the things I'd done wrong that I didn't even realize had upset her. The night before, I had said that I had unhealthy habits most of my life that I took into the beginning of our relationship that I had learned how to get a grip on and how thankful I was to her for that. I also poked fun at her for being grouchy in the mornings. But I then followed my statement clearly stating how much I love her and would never change a single thing about her.

So anyway, we went to bed with her saying i love you and everything seemingly fine. I get woken up to a massive text message highlighting how I'm terrible for openly admitting to manipulating her, how I always have to put her down for everything, and a couple of other things I apparently did that she never told me about.

She talked herself into breaking up with me by the end of the message and I was floored! She told me I should have seen it coming! Who could??!? I tried to calm her down, and she did calm down. She admitted she was sorry for how she responded and thanked me for talking to her. Said we should just give each other a couple of days to calm down and regroup. I agreed. I was a bit angry, myself. She messaged me that night and said she loved me and appreciated the space. And said 'sweet dreams baby.' I assumed we were back to normal.

Two days later we talked, and bam - she tells me she can't handle a relationship. Here we go again. I was like "didn't you just say 'I love you' the other day?? What was that all about?" Then she apologized for that and said she realized after that night that she needing to be alone.

This is exactly how it always happens - some variation of this. And it always dumfounds me!! Blindsides me completely, yet I'M the idiot who should have seen it coming!

Then we part ways, me just giving her what she asks for, and me missing her at first. But then the anger sets in and I start to get pissed off and want an explanation. The rational side of me wants to understand why the heck she does these things or where they come from. Then we wind up talking, and she seems so rational again and then next thing I know, we are back together! Then a month later, it happens again.

I know it's my fault. But she convinces me it's different. That she's sorry and it'll be different. And because I love her, I believe it because I want us to work. I want to be with her.

I finally realize it's never going to be how I want. I finally recognize I need to let go. But now there is so much anger. That this crap happened so many times! And looking back, it just feels intentional. Maybe it wasn't, but looking at the cycle, it feels like it is! Ugh.