I Can't Have Sex Anymore

[DeepRedViolets]

hey everyone. I am a long time sufferer of sexual abuse rape and domestic violence all going on for a span of 10 years with many different abusers and culprits, I don't feel like going into detail. Some lasted longer then others.

I have been in a great relationship for 5 years with my loving supportive although sometimes a bit controlling Due to anxiety and depression on his part but he treats me like a queen and I couldn't ask for a better partner. The first couple years were great sexually he likes a rougher kind of sex and at the time I did too which I recently realized was my way of revisiting my trauma and trying to make sense of it but somewhere along the lines my sex drive stopped. I started feeling extremely anxious and my mind goes blank when ever he tried to touch me in that way. While he is very understanding it is starting to hurt our relationship because I have gotten super comfortable with just not doing anything sexual what so ever, he is also starting to hate himself and think of himself as undesirable and I do not want this! But it has gotten worse, last time I got home from work, as a bartender and he was out drinking, i fell asleep and he started stroking my bare skin on my hip and I found myself in full panic mode tensed up mind racing in complete fight or flight ....but I finally calmed myself down....why the f*ck are you acting this way he loves you and he is not a rapist he just wants to be intimate and I can't even deal with that, I can't even deal with being caressed and held by the man I am in love with. It's getting out of hand. I'm sorry I'm rambling but I'm just venting. I don't know how to get better. I feel like I'm broken. But the funny part is I STILL don't think my trauma was that bad, it wasn't f*cked up I shouldn't be feeling this way or acting this way and it's all my fault because I'm just a dramatic POS. Really not doing ok today

 

[Phantom Shadow]

Ok I am on the other side of the fence. I am the male in a like relationship marriage really. My wife of 36 years finally told me a couple of months ago about the sexual abuse she had when she was an early teen. We have two 2 grown kids together and 3 grandkids. I have always thought it was my fault that she did not seem to like sex all these years. She thought she had to do it to keep me happy and normal an not running around on her. That was wrong in her thinking. I told my wife the night she finally told me that we are not having sex again until she can enjoy it and gets help from a therapist. I love my wife very deeply.

Now I have a couple of questions for you:

1. Have you told him about this??? If not then it is a major mistake if you really care for him. It hurt me more knowing that I made my wife relive her trauma everytime all these years. I have had major problems getting over the fact that she did not trust me enough to tell me. Still have problems when I allow myself to think about it.
2. Are you going to see someone about getting better and putting it in the past instead of reliving it?? I have PTSD from my military war days and I would not get help for 30 plus years because I was a man and I can handle thoughts. Well I don't know how my wife put up with me all those years. I am a much better person now because of therapy not totally thru with therapy but a different an much better person since going to therapy. Take it from an old war horse, You can not get over it on your own.

 

[DeepRedViolets]

Ok I am on the other side of the fence. I am the male in a like relationship marriage really....

From the beginning of our relationship I was pretty honest with my trauma and what I had been through, kind of gave him the meat of the situation and then thru out the years I leaked out more details. But our sex life was ok the first couple years, then I started to put two and two together once I noticed how it was making me feel and I stopped wanting it. Apparently it wasn't until 6 months ago did I give him the full detail of my earliest and most profound trauma although I could have sworn I told him before. He Denys that I told him in such detail and he claimed to not have realized how bad it was.

The thing is and I hate to do this but he will NEVER know, he will never understand what I go through and what it's like and it makes me feel really broken like a broken doll that used to be great and beautiful and now it's just used up and broke.

Another detail is while I've been with him I've just started to uncover this specific trauma because it's something I just stuffed inside and never really analyzed just kept normalizing it or ignoring it or drinking away the pain it made me feel, besides it does really seem like another life time ago. That wasn't me that it happened to it was just a character in a story book or movie that represented me. Or at least thats how it feels.

Thank you for helping me see another side though, all I try and do is see his side and I get it to an extent but just like he can't fully understand my situation I can't fully grasp his either.

 

[amosmorris]

Ok I am on the other side of the fence. I am the male in a like relationship marriage really....

This is so honorable and loving, @Phantom Shadow . Thank you for this post.

 

[amosmorris]

From the beginning of our relationship I was pretty honest with my trauma and what I had been th...

I relate so much, @DeepRedViolets to your description of your husband trying to caress your hip. I get it and I am sad to say that I know what that feels like--that struggle with yourself, the blame, that feeling in your skin, and the awareness that you can't make yourself stop rejecting that contact. I hate it too. I'm so sorry. What I can say is that I'm trying really hard to be in this work with my therapist and with my husband. It's hard to be honest--in fact the first time I was honest with my husband I hyperventilated, but I see it as the only path. I am learning that the best I can do is be patient with myself. Sometimes I can deal with the stuff and sometimes I can't. Sometimes sex can works and sometimes it just can't. We're trying to talk about this. My T tells me I every time I'm able to feel even a little bit more of the really bad feelings, which we can do together, things will get a little easier. I'm not there yet. But I want to improve things, want more intimacy. And I don't know the details of your trauma, but in just reading the short of it here I expect yours is more severe than mine--and I'm not saying this because there's any "trauma contest" here--which is one of the things I respect so much about this forum--but rather to tell you that I can relate to all you say here and have these same kind of feelings, and that I sense from afar, without details, that you don't need to question yourself, that you deserve to not undermine the legitimacy of your pain or suffering. I hope that is a help to you. I am sending healing vibes to you.

 

[Finchlet2]

I love my husband deeply but I can't be intimate with him. I genuinley fear it will destroy our marraige am i just waiting for that to happen? He has a high libido and i don't wan't or expect him to live like this. My body feels like there's dirt under my skin. I think I'm scared of making him dirty. Neither of us can continue like this I need to change. Please help me save my marriage. X

 

[amosmorris]

@Phantom Shadow this is so very hard and I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. Many here on this site know what this feels like, and many are at various stages of healing and processing this kind of stuff. The best I can offer is that you pursue if at all possible therapeutic support as a starting point--this isn't the kind of work that you can do alone--and that I hope you might find some support here as you move forward. All good your way--

 

[The Albatross]

I don't have intercourse anymore. Partly physical, partly psychological due to trauma. But I don't. My mister had a lot of feelings to go through about this - however so far it's been harmonious. I cannot afford the treatment (specialized) that I would need to do it without physical pain... and he doesn't want to cause pain. Basically.

I applaud you though for speaking on it, as not many find they can do so.

Now I/we are older... we find many partner/spousal arrangements that aren't necessarily optimal... but the one thing they have in common is valuing the partnership over and above the sexual gratification. Not all can do this, but some can.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I struggled with my husband over so many years and I admit there were times when I enjoyed it and other times when I just could not do it. He never really understood so I tried to be the one that went along to try to hold him in our marriage. But somehow even though I did not enjoy it, I managed to keep him happy. He was not the type to go without. But eventually we got to the point where sex never happened again and he still loved me and I loved him. I sure hope that you will find a way that best works for you. I so understand what you are going through though. My heart goes out to you.