I Can't Remember What I'm Supposed To Do

[Friday]

I wrote out my scale of f*cked up earlier this week... Coping mechanisms. Healthy to unhealthy to pure desperation 11th hour Hail Mary kill or cures. I actually wrote it out. Not the whole list, but just a few examples.

And I can't remember it.

When I'm in a f*cked up place I can't remember what makes me feel better. Or what helps. (Or what makes things worse). It's always like this big shock. Oh, yeah. Right. That. Do that. (Or hell no no no. Don't do that!). Most of the time it's really obvious stuff. Stuff that when I'm doing okay I simply have incorporated into my daily routine. Something I do, no matter what, without having to think about it. I put it there on purpose, I do it every day so even when I'm starting to break I've got these things to catch me... But once I've f*cked up my life, again, they're all gone and I can't remember what the f*ck they were. It's just like pain and confusion in lay here and don't do jack land.

I'm kinda borderline right now. I've got these half thoughts, pieces of things that kinda drift in and out. Mostly things I can't use (like go for a run and then swim in the ocean every morning, and loud music and movement) which was a part of my life more than 10 years ago... And I'm so effing lost that's what I'm going to go do (I hope) for a couple weeks. If my car makes it. Because I can't think of anything else, even though it took 20 hours or trying to remember anything, anything that might work. It's like I've got a hole in my head or something. I just can't think.

Does anyone else have this problem? Having to reinvent the wheel every time things go sideways? Any good working fixes? Got any brains for sale? Cause mine's broken.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Damn man. I don't know. I think you should go for it long as you get your car set for the trip. Sounds pretty solid to me. My brain is scrambled eggs man. I swear those C-IED antennas and shit off the chicken coop sniper mitigation wire on top of the gunner hatch. All I would hear on routes was a constant buzz, frequency. If I happened to be up for a mission off, the next day I was on gun I'd have serious nausea. I'd tough it out for a few hours and it'd go away. But each time I was off mission, and got back on it was there again. Like a f*cking microwave lol least that's how I felt.

 

[combatgoldfish]

Damn man. I don't know. I think you should go for it long as you get your car set for the trip. Sounds pretty solid to me. My brain is scrambled eggs man. I swear those C-IED antennas and shit off the chicken coop sniper mitigation wire on top of the gunner hatch. All I would hear on routes was a constant buzz, frequency. If I happened to be up for a mission off, the next day I was on gun I'd have serious nausea. I'd tough it out for a few hours and it'd go away. But each time I was off mission, and got back on it was there again. Like a f*cking microwave lol least that's how I felt.

Glad I'm not the only one here that suffered from that. I'm sure that shit it put off isn't something good for anyone.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Glad I'm not the only one here that suffered from that. I'm sure that shit it put off isn't something good for anyone.

Yea me too it was definitely serious enough to recall, that's for sure. I'm just tripping out because I missed appointments today and yesterday. And honestly... I find it slightly amusing that I was just mentioning how my memory was going to shit. Before they up'ed my dosage. Even my cellphone and people in general have been like eh. I feel like Office Space. It's not a bad feeling. I can't describe it. I'm going after music. Not expecting to be a millionaire. Shit I'd be happy if it gave me a solid extra 200 bucks a month.

I enjoy it. It's about time to make some moves though.

 

[holdenmonty]

I'm with you guys there. I stopped seeing my counselor which I wasn't to really to sure about in the first place after having all these tools of ways to control my anger and help myself feel better and then two weeks later I schedule an appointment to talk to them about stuff going on and they remind me of the different tools that they have taught me how to use to help myself feel better and I'm like o yeah now I remember I wish I would have remembered before. Now I'm back seeing my counselor every two weeks to keep myself on track because things happen and my brain does a dump and I forget all my coping tools.

 

[Kaishi]

Yeah, have had the same issue (hell - *having* it time to time) - luckily I'm still sort of in touch w some of my COs then so when things get *really* f*cked, there's getting in touch and just following on what the hell I'm told to do, but in the meantime I still end up feeling like a total moron for not being able to figure out simple seeming self care.

 

[holdenmonty]

I'm pretty much like that today just felt like crap when I woke up and got today off and stayed home while the wife and sons went to Wednesday night bible study. She asked me to wash the dishes and I have gone over to them 5 times but it's a big mess of dishes and I feel overwhelmed just looking at them but I don't want to seem lazy so I am working on talking myself up to making an attempt even though I feel like shit and overwhelmed

 

[Kaishi]

Getting that holdenmonty; sorry you feel like crap - can you divide the job? Take it small, take the kind of dishes that seem least work at first, work your way through it, take pauses in the meantime?

 

[holdenmonty]

Yeah that's a good idea that way I'm at least working on it when they get home

 

[Spock]

I like small challenges like dishes now. But I've been at this awhile and it provides an easy feeling of accomplishment. Accomplishment is important to find when all seems lost. It gets you out of overwhelmed & losing, no matter how brief. Tell yourself that little shit is nothing compared to the big world shit we had to deal with in combat. Focus on stepping up to those smaller challenges and overcoming your brain. Get aggressive with them, with yourself. Take control. The feeling of accomplishment builds up and you'll find yourself moving up to more challenging things. Maybe eventually just one a month or week or whatever you can take at the time. And then reset. Pay attention to the Nam vets that have been doing this for decades, most have touched on this topic before. They have a pace. It is usually slower. They stick to it and know when they've saved enough coping up to take on bigger challenges or series of actions and then find cover. Return to the simple pace they've come to acknowledge as normal and actions that verify they're still moving forward. The pace is often slow and measured to give your brain a chance to assess, meditate, chill, puke, recharge, whatever it takes.

 

[Grizzly]

Well said Spock.

Holding down a job and managing a family is tough enough for most. Now throw PTSD into that mix somedays it feels impossible. But we manage to soldier on.

Brother your doing it though. Your going to hit snags along the way. The dishes...get up and was one. Rest. But you'll see that the one probably wasn't that difficult.

We are going to hit setbacks. For me, managing the stress in PTSD is key to most of this shit.

 

[holdenmonty]

Thanks guys. I managed to load the dishwasher yesterday before the wife got home all that was left was stuff that has to be hand washed and I was going to do that this morning but woke up to more dishes then yesterday... I don't know how she did it but she managed to find dishes that I missed and it was worse than yesterday... She doesn't have school today though so she can stay home and do them.