Sexual Assault I Can't Remember

[LaurenInWonderland]

Hi,
If someone could help me or has the same feelings it would be great if you could reply.

I posted before a few months ago about my story, I was molested when I was 7 for a year by a man I later found out is my biological father, but for the last year I have had these nagging feelings and strange senses that it's not the only time I was abused as a child and would explain a lot in my life as well.

I don't know how to explain the feelings but it's like I know something else happened but I don't remember who it was or when it was or anything. I'm very cynical and sometimes I think I'm just being paranoid but deep down I know there's something not right.

I have different memories that trigger the feelings I have but because there's about 4 different memories all involving different people and at different ages I'm so confused about what could've happened.

If anyone has any similar story or advice I would love to hear it.

 

[leanne1321]

Hi Lauren,

This is a really tough question to answer and nobody but you can actually answer it (not even a therapist), because there's a risk of 'implanting' a memory. I'm not the best person to tell you about this, but it is mentioned quite a bit in one of the threads, sorry can't remember which one.

All I can say is, if there is more hiding in your head, I'm sure it will come out when you are ready or perhaps triggered.

I've had 3 traumatic events in my life, all happened within a very short period of time when I was 13. The first, and I'm assuming it was the first because it was the only one I clearly remembered after it happened, was a knife attack from a fully grown man. The next (again not sure what order) was a sexual assault by a friend, someone I trusted. I completely forgot about this until I was 18, when I bumped into him in a nightclub and I had a HUGE flashback. The 3rd was another sexual assault by an older boy and I didn't remember that until a few months ago when something triggered the flashback during therapy.

However, back to the second one... there are still parts of that incident that I cannot remember. The memory gets really hazy and then nothing, until after he left. I have my own theories and some evidence about what happened in that time, and despite going crazy and frustrated trying to remember, I still can't.

Our brains work in weird ways. There is probably a reason why you might be hiding something from yourself, maybe you subconsciously know that any more information would be more than you could cope with... I don't know. But I think the most important thing that you need to do right now is to deal with what you DO remember. One trauma is bad enough! Adding more or worrying about the possibility of more can't be good.

 

[Ted Moen]

The memories will come in time, when it is safe to remember. They will come in bits and pieces. They will initially come linked with other memories that may turn out to be partially or completely inaccurate. As you work through them with theraputic support they will gradually sort into a reasonable understanding of the traumas and related stuff. At the starting end of therapy knowing seems very important. As therapy progresses knowing becomes less important and the focus shifts to learning to live better with our symptoms.

Take care,

Ted

 

[LaurenInWonderland]

Thank You very much for your replies Leanne and Ted

 

[SydneyH]

LiW, I am in a very similar situation to you. I have a few images and sense memories from when I was 8 or 9, followed by 30 years of disturbing sexual dreams and secretive behaviors. I can follow the string back to a certain point, then nothing. I am trying EMDR to see if that will help me at least work through some of the feelings, and hope that in turn may bring me additional clarity.

Good luck! I would like to compare notes if you find anything that works for you.

 

[Anna]

It seems to be normal not to remember some parts of the trauma. After a decade some of the memories are coming back, but I am unsure. He made me wear something and I think he possibly filmed the attack. I am not sure? I cannot remember either :(

 

[LaurenInWonderland]

Actually I recently found out something I thought was strange and its been really getting at me. I lived in the same estate from when I was 5 to 18 and if you asked me to tell you every person who ever lived in the estate i could because there was only like 20 houses but the other day I found out there was a man who lived in the house right across for me on his own for a few years when I was about 7-9 an apparently I knew him well enough to talk to but I have absolutely no memory of him whatsoever and its worrying me. I dont know maybe its nothing

 

[SydneyH]

Nearly two months into the transition from talk therapy to EMDR. It has been good, but also frustrating. My new T is well trained in trauma and taking it _very_ slowly. I want to get to it, but my T keeps reminding me "you have to go slow to go fast." Ugh. It took several weeks to brief him on my situation.

After that, we spent three weeks on "resourcing." That has been good -- has made me start to feel a sense of control when things are overwhelming:

• I defined a safe place: a ponderosa pine on a hill - see my avatar pic!
• I chose a protector: Merry, a mysterious and powerful man from The Dark Is Rising.
• Next I had to pick a comforter/nurturer (this was hard for me): ended up picking my cat and a good friend who is a lesbian (thus not a sexual "threat").
• Last I identified a wise counselor (this one I knew right away!): St. Paul... a man who tormented and persecuted people, but who then was redeemed to become one of the most insightful religious thinkers -- and greatest men -- of all time.

My therapist also gave me a "container exercise" that I use to put away my disturbing thoughts at the end of a session. In my case, it is a tall blue-green glass bottle with a screwdown steel top.

More later on this.

<Edited - added paragraph breaks and 'listing' for ease of reading>