I Can't Stop Calling My Toxic Friend

[Grainne]

Ok guys - I so hope I'm not alone in this, because it makes me feel REALLY stupid...but here goes:

I have a friend who suffers from bipolar disorder. I love him dearly...and when he is 'up' (as he describes it) he is wonderful for me. He is supportive, and sweet...let's me vanish as I need, in fact, he has the same sort of isolation behaviours as I do and relates well. Trouble is, when he is 'down' (also his description) he becomes my own personal trigger machine. He gets moody, and says cruel things. He abandons me over and over emotionally. He tells me all about how horrible I am, how selfish, how I don't care about anyone but myself..blah blah blah. Then he gets onto the "MY disorder is chemical, i can't control how I act, but yours...PTSD is just a mental thing...you can change it...I can't". aaaand...snap. I intstantly start obsessing over him - pulling him closer and closer to me to hurt me more and more. I find some kind of weird satisfaction in it...like i'm FINALLY justified in thinking all of these terrible things about myself. I'm not worth anyone's time...I tell myself, and he confirms it for me...as many times as I want, until he pulls out of his downswing and starts caring about me again.

My husband is nothing like this friend. He tries so hard to help me...as hard as he can. He HATES this guy, and it comes not from a place of jealousy. He sees that all the great work he and I do together fall apart as soon as I engage with this friend....so, I end up 'sneaking around' to spend time with him, via internet, phone...whatever I can. Which makes me feel guilty...and off I go again.

How do I stop this self-destruction? I kind of see my friend like a drug addition. It's killing me slowly, and yet I simply cannot get myself to stop. Gosh, this makes me feel so hopeless...

 

[midi]

I see that you are friends with Dr. Ex. There is no antidote for this type of addiction. You must either sever ties completely or cut off one of your own arms-I suggest the right one, as it will always be wrong!

Best of luck to you! (Single and Dr. Ex free for over 4 years now, but still going through withdrawals)...

 

[Mina]

Midi is right - you have to just cut off ties with this person completely.

Who do you love more: your husband, or this so-called "friend"?

If it's your husband, then this has got to stop. Period. No more contact with this guy. AT ALL. You're cheating yourself and your relationship by maintaining contact with this person. Look at the big picture here. If you really love your husband, then quit disrespecting him, your marriage, and yourself by being involved with this "friend". Having this person in your life is not doing you any good...it is only causing harm and destroying your hard work. How would you feel about it if your husband had this kind of relationship with another woman??

When you want to call him, DON'T. When you want to text him, DON'T. When you want to email him, DON'T. When you want to instant message him, DON'T. Set up a rule so his emails go straight into the trash and get deleted. Block his number on your phone if you have to. Just don't have any contact with him whatsoever or you will be sucked right back into this.

It is really difficult to step off that rollercoaster - I had an ex much like the "friend" you describe. It's hard, but for the sake of your sanity and your marriage, it is worth it.

 

[Grainne]

Thanks guys...I know you are right. Just a note, however, I AM aware that this is not good for me..and the guilt over it is terrible. I love my husband very much, and ...I am not in 'love' with this friend...he is, acutally, the only person I have kept ties with from my youth. When I say that I'm 'sneaking around' to talk to him, I mean that I'm not telling my husband outright that we are still conversing, BUT, I would not lie if he asked me.

My 'friend' is married with children, actually came to my wedding. We all used to hang out together all the time, before they moved too far away for it work out. My husband just didn't make the connection (nor did I to be honest) between his downswings, and my need to beat myself up until last year.

I guess I shouldn't be trying to defend my own bad behaviour.

Lay it on me then. (I do appreciate the help)

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi Grainne,

I retired on disability two years ago because I couldn’t take stress anymore.

My family doctor said some months ago “Hey, you look good. You don’t look depressed as usual!” “Doc,” I said, “now that I’ve been off work for a while, I know why I wasn’t fully healing: because of stress! Stress is to depression, as gas is to a fire!”.

So what I learned in hindsight was that I gradually did get a whole lot better by trying to eliminate or manage stress as best as I could, and helping myself. But I never quite healed because stress kept pushing back down into depression and exhaustion.

The relationship you have with your friend is obviously causing you stress when he goes "down", and sounds hurtful, which is not healthy for anyone with mental health issues, especially if the person acts as a PTSD-trigger.

But from what you wrote, perhaps your friend is the one who is being selfish. If he was a true friend, he would now understand, at least from listening to you, that PTSD is an anxiety disorder caused from overwhelming psychological injuries, not something needing an attitude adjustment.

When he needs you, all is good. When he’s sick/suffering, he’s abusive, disregards your needs, feelings, not to mention your health.

It’s kind of like you’re two war buddies recovering in hospital bedside by bedside. Sure the laughs and talks are great, and you’re there to share and give each other some space.

But when he gets “down” as you say, he demands you to be understanding of his needs, feelings and health. And even though you may not be feeling well, starts beating you with his crutch from his bedside.

The other thing you might want to think about is why, when he is this way, do you “pull him in”, as you say? Isn’t that like helping him hit you with his crutch?

Plus, hubby has to see witness this roller coaster ride yet one more time.

Take care of Grainne first, Grainne. You need and deserve to heal. You are worth it!

 

[Deleted member 541]

You absolutely need to dump this friend and fast......It probably has turned into some kind of self fulfilling abuse on your part. I guess you need to figure out WHY you feel the need to punish yourself first, in order to stop the behavior, and dump the friend........

 

[anthony]

I Can't Stop Calling My Toxic Friend...

I disagree...

Presently, you have already told yourself by the statement above, that you are going to keep doing it at the moment.

This is not an addiction, it is a behaviour. To change one behaviour you replace it with another. So... find a more positive behaviour / relationship to replace this one with and withdraw yourself from the negative and replace with a positive.

Choice.

 

[Jubilation4Me]

Hi Grainne! Please don't set yourself up for this kind of let-down anymore. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity from everyone, all of the time. This person doesn't seem to be very good for you......if you look at the bigger picture.

If the people that I'm around are toxic to me, or make me feel really bad about myself and who I am........then, I sever all ties to them and make it a point to steer clear of them at all costs! I will not tolerate that kind of behavior from others in my life any longer. This is my motto in life, even if it means that I have zero friends........and true friends wouldn't act like that in the first place. I have toxic relatives that I distance myself from also......it's hard to do, but it sure makes me feel better.

Take care of yourself! :smile:

 

[This Ends Now]

Grainne,

Just wanted to show some support. I have had to cut a lot of toxic people out of my life and it has not been easy. Nature hates a void and when you cut this person out you will have to replace that connection with someone or something else. My replacements have been the internet, video games and finding new friends. I hope you will find a joyful and uplifting replacement soon.

I wish you the best.

Liz H.

 

[suzie q]

Grainne...When I'm stuck in a negative thinking and feeling pattern I have to stop and ask myself "what's the pay-off?"

I'm continuing a behavior that I know is destructive, yet I keep going to the "bank for doughnuts". What am I getting out of this? There is a reason I continue insane thoughts and actions. For me I was in self sabotage. I had gotten so used to the fact that I felt like a loser, and when things look good, I get scared and don't want to feel the let down from good to bad. My mind wants to stay in a familiar place. Who better than an old friend to give me a reminder of how sick I was. I would usually say to myself, "well that's what you deserve and what you will always get". I was tired from trying and would enter a huge "pity-party". I didn't want to work on the good anymore, I stayed in the sick.

So, what is your pay-off. What do you get from this sick relationship?

Keep working on you, with the positive people in your life. It makes living on life's terms so much easier and less chaotic.

 

[Nicolette]

A smart person will surround themselves with people who are good for them. Obviously you are smart as at some stage you married your husband who sounds like a good man.

The toxic friend sounds a lot like a festering co-dependent relationship if you ask me and I think you need to ask yourself what gives you the satisfaction you speak of. Are you trying to re-create an unhealthy situation you are used to? Why do you need someone who just creates upheaval in your life?

I agree with what others have said; especially Mina and Anthony.

As for how you know this person and whether they came to your wedding or not has no relevance if it is upsetting your life and your marriage. Like Anthony said it is a behaviour as you are, IMHO, justifying this person being in your life as you are trying to convince yourself why they should still be around.

My advice....don't have anything to do with this person and if you choose to continue on this path and not change your ways you have to be prepared to wear the consequences. Are you?

 

[Grainne]

Amazing advice...all very well said, and very much needed. I tend to make emotional issues very complex in my head...regardless of how simple they actually are. Anthony got it through - choice. As soon as I read that, although I already KNEW it, it all became real. I'm just chosing this over and over.

When I left my ex husband (another of my abusers...oh god, I guess I've always made such wise choices!) and my family rallied around me, they all said "Oh we always knew he was abusive...we knew he was terrible for you...we knew he was just like dad" and I was FLOORED. honestly. I'm not an idiot but...so close to the situation I had managed to convince myself that what was going on was not making me happy, but was certainly not abuse...was it? Oh yes it was. And here I am...doing it again, by choice again...only now I'm pretty much doing it to myself. Wow. My therapy appointment is going to be mighty interesting this week.

You all might not realize it, but you've just given me the focus to get away from this. Thank you for lending that strength.