I Can't Stop Calling My Toxic Friend

[2quilt]

I agree with Anthony and Nicolette. It's natural to keep going on being friends with the same people, even when they treat you badly, it's like inertia. And you might tell yourself that you should be a supportive true friend and be there for him when he is 'down', but this particular friendship is not good quality.
Friends, true friends, do not talk to you like he does. Explain this to him, and i hope he gets the professional help and treatment he really needs. But you come first, you have to protect yourself from toxic (your words!) people, or your healing will suffer.

You know what you have to do.

 

[skyp56]

Grainne,
You've gotten some very good advice, so far, IMHO. I can't improve on anything everyone else has said at this point, except to emphasize for you to ask yourself these questions:
1) what you are "getting out of" this relationship, and
2) Do you Want whatever it is you get out of it, or just think you "deserve" it. If you think you "deserve" it, then maybe you are like me--we need to work harder on improving our self-esteem. We don't need or want to feel like we "deserve" the bad treatment we get from the toxic person. That's the hardest part of my journey to health, I know.

Whatever you choose to do about this is up to you, ultimately, but I hope you choose to replace this toxic friend with another person or activity who is a positive influence on you. You DO deserve to be treated with dignity!

Sending you strength and {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

[anthony]

The very idea of forums is to gather perspectives that you yourself often cannot see. This is why I completely discourage sympathy upon this forum day to day, as its a negative for most occasions, not a positive. People need to be told the truth from how it is read and interpreted to the reader, not told it will be ok and just hang in there, etc etc. When you have enough people telling you that something is wrong, it all comes down to choice.

 

[goingonhope]

Half of Life, ..........L / IF / E

In getting back to reading your thread here Grannie,

I have heard said that half of life is L /if/ e.

So IMO, If you keep calling your toxic friend, you'll keep getting toxic results.

Also, days and wks of time add quickly up to months and yrs. So If you were to postpone deciding what's your choice and decision to be, before you know it, neither will even matter much. Before you know it, "intertwined, suppressed emotion and the real deal" .....now with additional fueled anxieties of powerlessness, helplessness, entrapment, desperation and avoidance will take over and run your life for you, and you may progressively lose choice, meanwhile quiet hurts and conflicts in your marriage have built and perhaps gone unnoticed.

IMO, I'd take responsibility and make any amends to each of you, however small or big. (your toxic friend, yourself and your husband). Simply own whats yours and disclose any dishonesty or resentments you've been previously withholding, apoligize and reveal your newest boundaries and decisions, ......and move forward from here, .........and without the toxicity.

Think of it this way, what is it that you can't be doing while you're engaging in this toxic friendship? How important is what your missing becoming, doing and being to you? As, you certainly can't be present on the receiving end of toxicity and present elsewhere simultaneously, or even present developing healthier friendships while time is a passing.

Choice.

And, if by now you think there is no choice left, then perhaps more professional help is available, but still it all in the end is up to you to act or react.

Grannie, hope this helps and good job in owning up to all of what's been pulling you down.

Well done, take care and remember 'if' you choose, time and time again if the need be, then life choices won't be made and chosen for you.

Wishing you success in whatever direction you choose and step.

:thumbs-up Grannie, and My Best,
goingonhope

 

[Grainne]

I think I have found some incredibly smart, honest, and kind people here. All of you, I need you to know that your advice hit home...and hard. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to step back and have a look at myself and the things I am chosing to surround myself with and convince myself of. Your honesty and support was very much needed and is greatly appreciated.

Goingonhope,

IMO, I'd take responsibility and make any amends to each of you, however small or big. (your toxic friend, yourself and your husband). Simply own whats yours and disclose any dishonesty or resentments you've been previously withholding, apoligize and reveal your newest boundaries and decisions, ......and move forward from here, .........and without the toxicity.

Thank you. This sounds just right to me and is exactly what I intend to do.

Grainne xo

 

[Micah]

I have to say that I agree with what everyone has been saying. You should cut this relationship out of your life. However I also know how easy it is to know that you should do something and how difficult it can be to actually do it. I have maintained contact with only one person from my childhood as well and they often make me feel badly about myself. Fortunately I live far away from them and we only communicate when I am close enough to visit, and this only happens twice a year. After every visit I tell myself that I won't go see him next time and yet I always go back. There's something about a tie to an old friend that seems essential even if it hurts. But of course it isn't essential, it hurts us and we don't need that. Keep trying. You know what you have to do. I hope you have a good network of supportive people in your life. I hope all goes well. At least you know what you have to do, that's a good first step.

 

[Nicolette]

It is only when you decide to change your life and the relationships in it that anything will change. While it is hard it is also that simple.