I can't stop dreaming about my abuser

[human007]

I have been having nightmares these past few years. But recently it has gotten worse. I've cut off relationship with abusers in my school (I'm not in the same school with them anymore). I've changed my number and delete all my social media. But they still insisted to get in touch with me because they felt sorry of what i felt in the past and until now (they don't actually mean it. once abuser will always be abuser). They still know my address and my little sister's contact so they came to my house once in awhile like on my birthday, on my father's funeral or just came once in a while to gave me a gift that i immediately throw to the trash. I felt so uncomfortable that they still trying to get in touch with me or befriended me. I wish i can scream in their faces straight to the point that i don't want anymore relationship with them. People always blame me that i can't do such a thing. Please don't blame me. I was taught to be submissive, can't say no and can't stand up for myself since i was kid and thats what i hate the most. Because even in my dreams i still can't say no, can't stand up for myself and let them hurt me. In my dreams they still get along with me while abusing me. But sometimes in my dreams they will act a little nicer. I'm so sick of this. I've tried to take sertraline from my ignorant psychiatrist but it just gave me more vivid nightmares that gave me anxiety to sleep.
I still live with my other abusers which are my family. I dreamt about them too where they'll be a little nicer and get along with me in my dream. I don't know how to stop this. They don't deserve to be in my dream. I wish they just rotten in hell.
I'm not sure if i will have nightmares like this forever, maybe when i finally move out it will all come to an end? But i feel like no matter i do, they will always haunting me.

 

[OakTree123]

I am so sorry! You already have the weight of the world on your shoulders dealing with trauma from abuse and it can be completely exhausting to have dreams about your abuser(s). It's unfair because you don't get a say in what you dream but still, every night, you have to think about them.

There is no shame in wanting to yell and scream at your abuser. They are completely at fault for what they did and your reaction -- whatever that reaction may be -- to what they did is completely valid.

For me, I still have nightmares...but as I have gotten distance from my abuser and been able to take control in my life (like moving out, getting a therapist), my nightmares are no longer the same! I used to have nightmares about being in situations I couldn't control and in my dreams my abuser would have control over me just like they used to. Now, since I have moved out, I am always in control in my dreams! Even when I have nightmares, I am still in control. I feel that even though I still have frightening dreams, it gives me so much hope that the context of the nightmares have changed because I feel more in control of my life. I hope that when you finally move out, you can feel this way too! And I really hope that over time the nightmares will completely go away.

Sending you some good dreams!

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @kittygal162, I also have vivid dreams about my abusers. I used to take Sertraline but it made me feel really edgy and anxious. I hope things improve for you. All the best S3 .

 

[human007]

I am so sorry! You already have the weight of the world on your shoulders dealing with trauma from abuse and it can be completely exhausting to have dreams about your abuser(s). It's unfair because you don't get a say in what you dream but still, every night, you have to think about them.

There is no shame in wanting to yell and scream at your abuser. They are completely at fault for what they did and your reaction -- whatever that reaction may be -- to what they did is completely valid.

For me, I still have nightmares...but as I have gotten distance from my abuser and been able to take control in my life (like moving out, getting a therapist), my nightmares are no longer the same! I used to have nightmares about being in situations I couldn't control and in my dreams my abuser would have control over me just like they used to. Now, since I have moved out, I am always in control in my dreams! Even when I have nightmares, I am still in control. I feel that even though I still have frightening dreams, it gives me so much hope that the context of the nightmares have changed because I feel more in control of my life. I hope that when you finally move out, you can feel this way too! And I really hope that over time the nightmares will completely go away.

Sending you some good dreams!

Hey thank you so much for this! I really, really appreciate it i'm happy for you that you can take control over your life and your dreams now ^-^ you deserve it! I hope one day your nightmares will be completely go away too! I can't wait to move out to a better place far from my abusers so i can finally set my freedom. But i guess its gonna be long until that day.. as long as i have hope, i'm sure everything will be ok..
I hope you will get better! Thank you so much

Hi @kittygal162, I also have vivid dreams about my abusers. I used to take Sertraline but it made me feel really edgy and anxious. I hope things improve for you. All the best S3 .

I'm so sorry about your vivid dreams!! You don't deserve any of that i feel the same way about Sertraline too! i hate it. Maybe you need a different medicine too?
I hope things improve for you too, thank you so much!

 

[SorenRL]

Came here after waking up from dream about my abusers (parents).

I'm sorry you're having those dreams and I hope you get away from your abusers soon. My dreams actually didn't start until I was away from mine. I dream about them almost every night, and every time I go to sleep. (Such as naps, which I don't take often anymore.) I was also raised to be submissive so in my dreams, I'm the same. I just deal with them even though in reality, I know better. But in my dreams, I'm still trapped with them, like I never left. It's horrible. It makes me not want to go to sleep.

I read that this happens because your brain is traumatized and it's trying to process the trauma. It might help to process it for some time during the day so that it happens less at night.

I don't have much else I can say that's helpful; I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I hope it gets better for you.

 

[human007]

Came here after waking up from dream about my abusers (parents).

I'm sorry you're having those dreams and I hope you get away from your abusers soon. My dreams actually didn't start until I was away from mine. I dream about them almost every night, and every time I go to sleep. (Such as naps, which I don't take often anymore.) I was also raised to be submissive so in my dreams, I'm the same. I just deal with them even though in reality, I know better. But in my dreams, I'm still trapped with them, like I never left. It's horrible. It makes me not want to go to sleep.

I read that this happens because your brain is traumatized and it's trying to process the trauma. It might help to process it for some time during the day so that it happens less at night.

I don't have much else I can say that's helpful; I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I hope it gets better for you.

I'm so sorry about your nightmares too. I hate this world, it's so unfair that the nicest people in the world have to be hurt the most and be a victim of abuser. You don't deserve any of the abuse your parents had gave to you. I'm so sorry that they didn't do their job as parents. Sometimes the ones who hurt us are the ones who is closer to us.

I hope you seek help soon, i believe there is a way to heal our trauma. Me myself still haven't get a courage to seek help since i live in a third world country where they don't care at all about victim of abuse and mental illness. So it will be useless for me.

But i'm sure there is hope for you. Hang in there, everything will be alright. If you need someone to talk to, please let me know.

 

[coraxxx]

I remember how horrible it was to sit there having nightmares just next to my violent ex. I was waking up in puddles of sweat. It was so intense I had to change my side of the bed. I dreamt of situations that were going totally out of hand and of being chased in the dark. After he left the nightmares did continue, more intense for a while. Then started to shift towards something more anxious and less terrifying, but still extremely tiring.

I hope you'll have soon the opportunity to move out. I definitely understand how atrocious it is to balance between the anger and the hope, it is a very exhausting carousel that destroys you at the same time that it maintains you afloat. While you cannot take the distance needed from your family, you have to try to make boundaries around you for yourself. They still have the power to walk past it more or less but at least you'd know where you stand and that is something that offers you more sense of control.

With my family between the age 8 to 15 I just sat in anger and it was impossible to talk to me. I wasn't actively aggressive but just didn't respond to anything or took part of anything. I tried to be away the longest possible and shut in my room as much as possible. Between 16 and 17 I was mostly living with friends and squatting their houses. Then once school finished I got the f*ck out and I improved greatly. Feeling great to be independent. I still had panic attacks that I didn't know we're panic attacks. I just had no idea. At least you have insight on your own mental health. That's important.

For the medication the only thing that helps me to sleep are benzos. When I don't take them I constantly have bad sleep with dreams that circulate either in worry, either in horror. But progressively I've been more active in it and less chased.

I try to be lenient towards my dreams. It's the brain telling you what is preoccupying you. For what I'm understanding it's telling you that you would like to get along but you get betrayed every time. I'm really sorry for this I do understand this kind of particular pain. It's very painful.

Is there any hotline you can call? Associations often offer more help than authorities, and in less extreme situations. There might be a service that can help you to hold on at least.

Trying to take care of something rewarding helps. No matter how small it is. It's better not to pick a person. Scatter small things you can be certain of, plants, animals, drawings, podcasts, videogames, classes, anything you like and want to cultivate. If you're trapped there is nothing wrong in escapism. Giving yourself small terrains of agency helps to feel more in control and might help out with the sleep. Make yourself an escape plan. Examine your options. Yes be angry. Anger gives you the energy to go against the fear, it's is healthy and normal to experience it and it happens when you feel stuck. Hold on your hope in yourself and envision yourself in movement. You've got this! Perhaps you've already done all this. Discard the advice if not useful.

Good luck with everything. Nightmares and aftermath of trauma won't go away asap but likely will sit with you for a while. But it isn't forever. It dissipates over time and once was a constant horrid nightmare might be a nightmare or a bad dream from time to time.

 

[human007]

I remember how horrible it was to sit there having nightmares just next to my violent ex. I was waking up in puddles of sweat. It was so intense I had to change my side of the bed. I dreamt of situations that were going totally out of hand and of being chased in the dark. After he left the nightmares did continue, more intense for a while. Then started to shift towards something more anxious and less terrifying, but still extremely tiring.

I hope you'll have soon the opportunity to move out. I definitely understand how atrocious it is to balance between the anger and the hope, it is a very exhausting carousel that destroys you at the same time that it maintains you afloat. While you cannot take the distance needed from your family, you have to try to make boundaries around you for yourself. They still have the power to walk past it more or less but at least you'd know where you stand and that is something that offers you more sense of control.

With my family between the age 8 to 15 I just sat in anger and it was impossible to talk to me. I wasn't actively aggressive but just didn't respond to anything or took part of anything. I tried to be away the longest possible and shut in my room as much as possible. Between 16 and 17 I was mostly living with friends and squatting their houses. Then once school finished I got the f*ck out and I improved greatly. Feeling great to be independent. I still had panic attacks that I didn't know we're panic attacks. I just had no idea. At least you have insight on your own mental health. That's important.

For the medication the only thing that helps me to sleep are benzos. When I don't take them I constantly have bad sleep with dreams that circulate either in worry, either in horror. But progressively I've been more active in it and less chased.

I try to be lenient towards my dreams. It's the brain telling you what is preoccupying you. For what I'm understanding it's telling you that you would like to get along but you get betrayed every time. I'm really sorry for this I do understand this kind of particular pain. It's very painful.

Is there any hotline you can call? Associations often offer more help than authorities, and in less extreme situations. There might be a service that can help you to hold on at least.

Trying to take care of something rewarding helps. No matter how small it is. It's better not to pick a person. Scatter small things you can be certain of, plants, animals, drawings, podcasts, videogames, classes, anything you like and want to cultivate. If you're trapped there is nothing wrong in escapism. Giving yourself small terrains of agency helps to feel more in control and might help out with the sleep. Make yourself an escape plan. Examine your options. Yes be angry. Anger gives you the energy to go against the fear, it's is healthy and normal to experience it and it happens when you feel stuck. Hold on your hope in yourself and envision yourself in movement. You've got this! Perhaps you've already done all this. Discard the advice if not useful.

Good luck with everything. Nightmares and aftermath of trauma won't go away asap but likely will sit with you for a while. But it isn't forever. It dissipates over time and once was a constant horrid nightmare might be a nightmare or a bad dream from time to time.

First of all thank you so much for your respond, i really appreciate it :)
I'm so sorry about what you've been through :( i can relate on the violent ex and how hard it is to be with someone like that, especially as a victim of abuse, we tend to realize the signs too late. It must be hard for you to be with someone that were violent and not understanding/care about you :(
I'm sorry about those terrifying nightmares and how its still continue and tiring :(

I really hope the same for myself, but sometimes it feels like there is no hope anymore. I have tried everything and when i'm really close to getting it, everything just breaks right in front of me and left me with nothing. Even though deep in my heart i still want to believe there is. I'm sorry could you explain what you mean by "They still have the power to walk past it more or less but at least you'd know where you stand and that is something that offers you more sense of control." i'm not a native so sometimes i don't understand some words "^^

I'm so sorry that you had to experienced a bad situation :( it's really unfair when a child had to endure all by themselves. I'm glad that you can move out and improved greatly :) i'm so sorry about your panic attacks, it's completely normal as a result of abuse :( i hope you're getting better..

Benzos.. do they sell it in pharmacy and are you allowed to buy it without doctor's prescription? i really hate medicine, for the past few years i had taken so much medicine due to my physical illnesses as a result of my family's abuse. I just found out that it's illegal to buy it without doctor's prescription. i don't think doctor will just give that to me if i ask it from them, and i don't want to go back to ignorant psychiatrist. the whole registration process itself is completely exhausting and draining since i use insurance i had to wait 3-4 hours until my turn in the hospital.

Yes, in the past i would like to get along with my school abusers and i really thought they were my bestfriend. But even in the past i still acknowledge their abuse and bully towards me. And now i still live with my abusers and had to same room with them since i was child, i never even get my own freedom to be alone or to have privacy. But for some reason i still pity these family if something bad happen or if they need help or something. I guess this is what they called Trauma Bond, or maybe something like Stockholm Syndrome in a way to survive. I had planned my escape since i was in highschool, but everything just fall to pieces and everybody betrayed me. they have taken everything from me. one of my bestfriend told me i could live in her house after i graduate but then she changed her mind when she look closer to reality. she gave me false hopes for a long period of time but i'm over it now. i have tried study so hard to be get scholarship in good university in other town, but then i didn't passed the test and had to re-take it the next year. The next year when i finally get the scholarship (only cover college tuition) my mom broke her promise and said she couldn't support me financially to live in other town. and now i have diagnosed with Lupus and several other physical illness. make it really hard to escape and even live by myself. a friend i recently get closer with offering to share a room with her once she got a decent job, but i'd feel really bad hassleing someone like that. also there is no guarantee she can support me for long. she is extremely unstable and a victim of extreme abuse too. we both are unstable with no emotional help which will make it hard for us to maintain balance living by our own. like.. if her job really pressuring her, she might quit and then we will be homeless.

the only hotline i can call is suicide hotline. I haven't tried calling them, i'm not sure if they can actually help. 2 days ago i almost commit s*icide and was thinking to call them, but because i have no privacy in my house. i can't call them. There is an assosiation that might help me with free online counselling, i have registered today and they will make an appointment for me in 6 weeks. But i'm very scared and anxious about it, i have to speak in my native language, and i'm not really comfortable to talk in my native language since some problems i have are really horrible and i feel too exposed to say it in my native language. i'm not sure if this association will actually help or care about me. I'm always scared and having panic attack too whenever i have to talk with psychiatrist/therapist.

All of your advice are very helpful and i really appreciate it :)

Thank you so much for all of this. Best luck for you too :)
I've heard nightmares getting better as the time goes by, i really hope so...

 

[coraxxx]

First of all thank you so much for your respond, i really appreciate it :)
I'm so sorry about what you've been through :( i can relate on the violent ex and how hard it is to be with someone like that, especially as a victim of abuse, we tend to realize the signs too late. It must be hard for you to be with someone that were violent and not understanding/care about you :(
I'm sorry about those terrifying nightmares and how its still continue and tiring :(

I really hope the same for myself, but sometimes it feels like there is no hope anymore. I have tried everything and when i'm really close to getting it, everything just breaks right in front of me and left me with nothing. Even though deep in my heart i still want to believe there is. I'm sorry could you explain what you mean by "They still have the power to walk past it more or less but at least you'd know where you stand and that is something that offers you more sense of control." i'm not a native so sometimes i don't understand some words "^^

I'm so sorry that you had to experienced a bad situation :( it's really unfair when a child had to endure all by themselves. I'm glad that you can move out and improved greatly :) i'm so sorry about your panic attacks, it's completely normal as a result of abuse :( i hope you're getting better..

Benzos.. do they sell it in pharmacy and are you allowed to buy it without doctor's prescription? i really hate medicine, for the past few years i had taken so much medicine due to my physical illnesses as a result of my family's abuse. I just found out that it's illegal to buy it without doctor's prescription. i don't think doctor will just give that to me if i ask it from them, and i don't want to go back to ignorant psychiatrist. the whole registration process itself is completely exhausting and draining since i use insurance i had to wait 3-4 hours until my turn in the hospital.

Yes, in the past i would like to get along with my school abusers and i really thought they were my bestfriend. But even in the past i still acknowledge their abuse and bully towards me. And now i still live with my abusers and had to same room with them since i was child, i never even get my own freedom to be alone or to have privacy. But for some reason i still pity these family if something bad happen or if they need help or something. I guess this is what they called Trauma Bond, or maybe something like Stockholm Syndrome in a way to survive. I had planned my escape since i was in highschool, but everything just fall to pieces and everybody betrayed me. they have taken everything from me. one of my bestfriend told me i could live in her house after i graduate but then she changed her mind when she look closer to reality. she gave me false hopes for a long period of time but i'm over it now. i have tried study so hard to be get scholarship in good university in other town, but then i didn't passed the test and had to re-take it the next year. The next year when i finally get the scholarship (only cover college tuition) my mom broke her promise and said she couldn't support me financially to live in other town. and now i have diagnosed with Lupus and several other physical illness. make it really hard to escape and even live by myself. a friend i recently get closer with offering to share a room with her once she got a decent job, but i'd feel really bad hassleing someone like that. also there is no guarantee she can support me for long. she is extremely unstable and a victim of extreme abuse too. we both are unstable with no emotional help which will make it hard for us to maintain balance living by our own. like.. if her job really pressuring her, she might quit and then we will be homeless.

the only hotline i can call is suicide hotline. I haven't tried calling them, i'm not sure if they can actually help. 2 days ago i almost commit s*icide and was thinking to call them, but because i have no privacy in my house. i can't call them. There is an assosiation that might help me with free online counselling, i have registered today and they will make an appointment for me in 6 weeks. But i'm very scared and anxious about it, i have to speak in my native language, and i'm not really comfortable to talk in my native language since some problems i have are really horrible and i feel too exposed to say it in my native language. i'm not sure if this association will actually help or care about me. I'm always scared and having panic attack too whenever i have to talk with psychiatrist/therapist.

All of your advice are very helpful and i really appreciate it :)

Thank you so much for all of this. Best luck for you too :)
I've heard nightmares getting better as the time goes by, i really hope so...

Thank you for your concern. Hopefully I am in a good situation now.

Yes these situations are tricky. For my ex his family is heavily dysfunctional and I can see how much warped his mom is and how impacted his sisters are. Even now. It’s just endless.

And yes, trauma bond is a thing. It’s you expecting that your abuser soothes you for their abuse. That cycle is very very difficult to get out of and it requires many spins before being able to tell yourself you have to get out, and even then there is still that hope that sits.

I’m sorry you have been diagnosed with something so serious. For the situation with your friend, I don’t know what to say. Only you can know if you can make this jump and her to agree or not.

For the boundaries, what I meant was to be certain of your internal world and not let yourself believe it’s your fault. As you have no privacy, there is a degree of separation you cannot reach physically, but only in your head.

I hope your counselling session will go alright. If you have to call a hotline, still it is better than not having help at all.

For the benzodiazepines, it’s a class of anti anxiety medications that typically can’t be delivered without prescription. However I had it prescribed by a normal doctor to whom I directly asked. But it’s rather addictive and it’s not really efficient in the long go if you cannot treat the root of the problem. But it’s very effective in the middle of a crisis and they do cut panic attacks. I do keep them on me just in case, but not as a regular thing.

Much courage through all this.

 

[human007]

Thank you for your concern. Hopefully I am in a good situation now.

Yes these situations are tricky. For my ex his family is heavily dysfunctional and I can see how much warped his mom is and how impacted his sisters are. Even now. It’s just endless.

And yes, trauma bond is a thing. It’s you expecting that your abuser soothes you for their abuse. That cycle is very very difficult to get out of and it requires many spins before being able to tell yourself you have to get out, and even then there is still that hope that sits.

I’m sorry you have been diagnosed with something so serious. For the situation with your friend, I don’t know what to say. Only you can know if you can make this jump and her to agree or not.

For the boundaries, what I meant was to be certain of your internal world and not let yourself believe it’s your fault. As you have no privacy, there is a degree of separation you cannot reach physically, but only in your head.

I hope your counselling session will go alright. If you have to call a hotline, still it is better than not having help at all.

For the benzodiazepines, it’s a class of anti anxiety medications that typically can’t be delivered without prescription. However I had it prescribed by a normal doctor to whom I directly asked. But it’s rather addictive and it’s not really efficient in the long go if you cannot treat the root of the problem. But it’s very effective in the middle of a crisis and they do cut panic attacks. I do keep them on me just in case, but not as a regular thing.

Much courage through all this.

I hope you are!! you only deserve to be happy..
I'm so sorry... but it still doesn't excuse his bad behaviour towards you though..
I agree trauma bond really is a thing. I guess thats what i feel toward my family and my fake friends. they might hurt me till i bled and i still don't want the same thing happened to them. i can't let them be hurt even after how much they have ruined my life.
Thank you and it's okay. i feel like it's too risky.. i will wait until i can be independent myself. but being independent and live alone is very scary dont you think? i feel like i will have breakdown everyday.
ahh i see.. thank you for explaining to me. i agree with you.
my counselling went super bad and my therapist was sided with abusers and my r*pist government. but it's okay, i don't expect much but totally was shocked. i have decided to never come back and believe in my country help.
i see... maybe i don't want to take that, i'm afraid it might affect my chronic illness ;-;

thank you so much, i really appreciate this <3