I Can't Stop Thing About My Childhood ..

[Grim]

I'm really feeling anxious and my brain won't stop rerunning memories of the people who abused me - I'm desperately tired, with tinnitus ringing in my ears like a siren. I wonder why I can't get over it and move on. 40 years later and I'm reliving the same abuse again.

Sadly, I've got no chance of sleep as I dare not take any further medication tonight as I'm starting to get addicted - it looks like drowning in alcohol is the only answer tonight. Meditation and relaxation techniques just don't seem to work for me.

I really am going to mad ... I feel like I'm serving a 100 year prison sentence for a crime that was done to me.

Sorry I'm just stressed and ranting to myself.

 

[Grim]

Anyone got a good brain distraction technique... Sheep have all been counted

 

[Srain]

I really you hear on this, I know it can all be so overwhelming. I'm glad you posted. I don't know if you have a journal but I periodically will just write down and/take photos expressing the frustration and pain that I'm going through. My trauma first started over 40yrs ago and I tried to nip in the bud but things just seemed to snow ball, a child trying to do the work of adults, so I've felt the same as you. It's not mess and yet I am left to clean it up, it's not fair but it is the fact. It sucks for sure, make no mistake.

I don't know what I would do if it weren't for all the little tricks I have acquired through asking the same question as you. I try everything! I walk, I watch a funny movie, NO NEWS for awhile(triggers only keep up at night), talk to a friend on the phone - ask how they are doing, I play a "mindful" computer game that requires my attention and play music to it-generally music I can deal with and post here.

Hang in there.
peace,
Rain

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sounds like its wanting to come bursting out of you. Maybe you should let it? Cry for awhile, talk to someone about it...

 

[Lucycat]

I remember those days of just not being able to 'switch off' my thoughts and brain. I too felt like I was going mad.

For me it was stopping all other medication and taking Quetiapine instead, that gave my head some rest. In addition to that I downloaded a relaxation tape that is simply the sounds of the sea. Just the noise of the waves coming and going that lasts for about an hour. I used it to get to sleep. I prefer that to music as I found I was actively listening to music and waiting for the next track all the time whereas the sea sounds, for me, are so much more peaceful.

I understand the need for alcohol, and I too went there in the early days. And when I say early days, it was over 30 years after the abuse I had endured, but early since I had stopped being in denial and was forced to face up to the reality of my past.

Grim, I hope you are receiving therapy. You really do not need to go through this alone.

My thoughts are with you,

Lucy x

 

[Froggie]

Hi ((((Grim)))), just to add to the above, I do most of what was said, but will say that reading books during those periods. A subject that has nothing to do with what is bugging / obsessing my mind. I usually read stories about fantasies (fairies, dragons, knights, magiciens, etc.) It has to be a subject that really captivates my mind.

When that doesn't work, it's here on the forum, and if it lasts too long (many nights in a row) I opte for a pill. Maybe you ought to talk to your Dr about the addiction + alcohol situation. You may just need an adjustment or modification in your meds.

I feel like I'm serving a 100 year prison sentence for a crime that was done to me.

This really hit me, that's almost a motto that many victimes can relate too. (((((Grim)))))

 

[Grim]

Unfortunately I have dyslexia and I find books to be more trouble than their worth. I've tried relaxation tapes but thEy don't seem to work very well for me.

Of late I seem to spend my time having a secret cry when all are not around .. there is no solution. I don't have friends and am living at home looking after to elderly parents. Doctor is useless.. just sends me a note saying that his medication can become addictive - Yeah thanks Dr!

I'm again waiting to see an NHS someone, but I except they will just refer me elsewhere like the last one did - being 45 and male I didn't fit into any of their categories.

 

[Grim]

It's no good. I'll have to commit some arrest worthy crime to get help. I can't take much more.

 

[valdoodle]

Grim you need some support from your GP. Can you see another one in the practice if yours is useless?

I think you have a lot to cope with looking after your elderly parents, without anyone to vent at, on top of your PTSD. Although I love her dearly, my mother drives me crackers in the most stressful way. Stress, in my mind, magnifies PTSD a hundred times. My partner left after 14 years because of, amongst other things, a particularly stressful Christmas when my mother came to stay, was really ill and refused to go to the doctor or hospital. :mad:I hope yours are more reasonable with you.

I also hope you find some peace tonight, just some time to yourself to try out some of the relaxation methods suggested. In my experience alcohol doesn't work for a good night's restful sleep. It just puts off dealing with stuff.

I do understand about the NHS lack of support for PTSD. It makes me cross that they just don't get it! My partner does not have any therapy apart from an ex alcohol counsellor from years ago who keeps seeing him every 4 months or so.

I find my help on here, tho I am a supporter, not a sufferer. My partner has no patience for it. I hope you don't mind me replying. Sometimes doing nothing, incase I get it wrong, doesn't seem an option.

 

[Grim]

Hi valdoodle,

Thank you for your post - I've calmed down a bit now. However, I don't think I can cope much longer without something giving. I'm being run ragged by my parents - my fathers had a stroke and his behaviour now sometimes boarders on a person who should be sectioned. Tonight he was making fun of my mother who is having medical tests - she might have cancer! I asked him to stop but he just responded by sticking his tounge out at me and whispering the same sentence again and again! It just resulted in my mother shouting at him and being very upset.

However, theres nothing I can do to stop my fathers behaviour or sort my mothers medical tests out. I can't leave them to it and they both refuse any external help. I am silently going crazy.

 

[valdoodle]

Hi (((Grim))), Hey you aren't going crazy at all. From what you say NOBODY could cope with the situation with your parents without some help and support. Your father having a stroke followed by what sounds like extremely irrational behaviour and your mother having medical tests must be worrying you out of your mind. No wonder you can't sleep!

I totaly agree with lucycat that 'you really do not need to go through this alone'. I hope you can find a therapist/counsellor soon who is experienced enough to understand PTSD (though like hens teeth where I live). I found mine through our local YMCA and, even though she did not understand PTSD at all, it was really good just to go in there and 'get it all out of my head' and talk for my allocated 50 minutes. It was free because she was training and she used my sessions to 'get her counselling hours up' if you know what I mean. It was good and very confidential. It always felt good afterwards even though I just talked! Better than nothing. See a different GP if yours is not helping.

However, regarding PTSD this website has given me exactly the information I needed to understand and the strength to carry on though I understand how dyslexia will not help this. My son is dyslexic. He can't get into reading either - prefers watching and listening !

I wish you some peace today and good luck.

 

[Grim]

Hi valdoodle, thank you for posting,

I have a meeting for a further assessment on the 12th August, so not long to go now. But I have no faith in getting any help from the NHS. GPs surgery is useless.

I see the YMCA worked for you which is good. Unfortunately, I won't be going near them as one of my childhood problems occurred when I was left at a YMCA Saturday club. In fact I know the man in question was prosecuted for similar acts sometime in the 80s - Last week, I was trying to find the outcome of the case. Its odd but I need to find out what became of these people.

Anyway, I'm good today .. I hope it lasts a while.

Thanks again for posting.