Childhood I Can't Trust My Mother

[Smile]

Hahahaha @arfie . Funniest reply ever. Did not see that one coming. Thanks for explaining.... No hard feelings :)

 

[Kintsugi]

Smile, this is a bit of a different situation, but I was abused by my older brother. My mother is also the one who started asking me if I had been sexually abused, and she kept interrogating me about who it was, asking was it this person, that person. She was worried. When she found out it was her (gay) son... well. I heard her call me a liar in conversation. She says I misunderstood, that she was just in disbelief (my brother has since confessed to a T, so it is not in question).

Anyway, I remembered years later that I had told her as a child my brother was abusing me. I was super young, maybe 5. It's hard to say. I could have been younger. But I brought this up to her last year, and she told me that never happened.

The thing is, I know it happened. It did. I have the worst visual memory ever, and I remember every detail now of that night, things I would never have recalled casually, like the color of my mother's bathroom that I regularly forget ever existed in my normal recall.

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that she blocked this out. My mother suffered her own broken childhood, sexual abuse, and all kinds of crap... I believe she is capable of just blocking out what she didn't want to remember from twenty years ago.

 

[Smile]

@MissAntiSunshine , yeh that makes sense. And I have definitely seen my mom do it in other situations so it's not too far a stretch. I just started with a new T, trauma specialist, and told her I feel the need to "remember" because I can't keep mentally questioning everyone from my childhood.

Point being, if I had a base memory, I could be at peace with my moms current actions.

 

[ghotiff]

I can't be okay with denial anymore. My parents chose denial over me. They knew when I was 10 but chose to ignore it and continue to hand me over to that gymnastics teacher multiple times per week for 5 more years.

I choose to believe that were in denial that the alternative that they just didn't care. I'd love to know if they would deny it if asked about it today.

 

[Tanishq]

@Smile your mom sounds like all over the place, like she is afraid something might come out. Repeating the same answer and avoiding to confront properly might suggest otherwise. Denial can be powerful. It's hard to know when someone is hiding lot of things.

Sorry you are in tough situation here.

My parents do the same, keep repeating the same answer that led me to know they don't care about me at all. They are after trying to save themselves.

 

[Smile]

@Tanishq ... All over the place.... Very well said. I wish I can cut this invisible umbilical cord and just be able to treat her as I would any older woman. With compassion. Oh well. I believe that's impossible so no sense in wishing for it

 

[Tanishq]

@Smile you can treat any older woman with respect. You are strong that you are still thinking to treat with her respect, just some things will be taken back. :)

 

[notmymother]

I understand. I also can not trust my mother and have not spoken to her in about twelve years. I had to cut off my entire family in order to save myself because no one really gets an abusive parent unless they had an abusive parent. If you think you were abused, or groomed to be abused by either your mother or your uncle and your uncle is a confirmed child sexual abuser- then go with your instincts. Good luck.

 

[Smile]

@notmymother, thank you. And I like your profile name... Quite apropos :)