My mother living in my head

[deno]

I hear you. It’s wild how much power someone can still hold over us, even when they’re not physically there anymore. Even when we know their rules are irrational, even when we want to break free, there’s still that hesitation—like we’re waiting for some invisible punishment that never actually comes.

I get it. It’s not just about the bra. It’s about the weight of all those unspoken rules, the judgment that became part of your wiring, the fear that stepping out of line means something bad will happen. And even though logically you know you’re an adult now, that she’s gone, that you can make your own choices—it doesn’t feel that simple, does it?

I’ve been there, staring at something small—a choice that shouldn’t matter to anyone but me—and still feeling that pull, that old fear whispering, You can’t do that. You know better. You know what happens when you don’t listen. And the thing is… nothing does happen. Except maybe that fear lingers for a little while. Maybe it’s uncomfortable. Maybe I doubt myself. But then I realize—I just did something for me. And that’s huge.

I love that you’re thinking about making a list, finding something that isn’t a 10/10 challenge to start with. Maybe you don’t even need to wear the bra at first—maybe just buying it is enough. Maybe you put it in a drawer and just let it exist in your space. Maybe one day you try it under a sweater, just to see how it feels. Maybe you catch yourself bracing for judgment that never comes.

And maybe, little by little, you rewrite the rules.

You’re not alone in this. That voice in your head may feel overpowering now, but it doesn’t own you. You get to take your life back, one small choice at a time.

 

[RVA21]

Get rid of every part of what she wanted you to be. Anything of value, sell it or give it away

This is also really helpful advice. I done this too with the brainwasher's stuff.

like we’re waiting for some invisible punishment that never actually comes.

Totally! I was terrified when I realised I had accidentally slightly damaged an item that a person gave me, even though they weren't in my life anymore. I still thought they'd punish me for damaging the thing.

You have to keep reminding yourself they can't punish you if they're out of your life now.

 

[Friday]

My mother used to make a huge deal about coloured / and or black bras under a white shirt. For a long time now I’ve thought that I’d like to try this, but every single time I hear her voice chastising me about even thinking about it.

Do it in your bathroom. Then step into a shower and do it in an almost entirely see through WET white tee shirt.

Just. Because.

It’s probably not something you would choose to do on your own, on the street, but it can be fun in the privacy of your own home.

As can exploring all of the broken rules that you may, or may not, choose to live.

I ADORE my mother. She’s a lovely person who would give the shirt off of her back for a stranger, and an organ -or her life- for a loved one. She’s wicked cool, socially. She’s smart, and funny, and strong. And. She. Drives. Me. Absolutely. Craaaaaazy. I not only love my mom, I like her, and I respect her. She’s daaaayum good people. We agree? On maybe 12% of life. She’s awesome, but she’s NOT me. She’s her own person. With her own likes, dislikes, loves, hates, reasons, rules, personality. As am I. WE? Are allowed to differ. Full stop.

 

[Dee88]

In 2010 my mum passed away suddenly. For a long time prior to that our relationship had been extremely fractured. Since I opened up to my mother about the details of my cptsd (when I was 16, I’m now 51) she had blamed me for what went on ……… like WTF!!!!

Even though she passed away 15 years ago in May, I still feel like she is living in side my head. She is extremely overpowering, is only happy if I do exactly what she says, and is incredibly judgemental.

Some might find this funny, to me it is a bit funny, but I also really struggle. My mother used to make a huge deal about coloured / and or black bras under a white shirt. For a long time now I’ve thought that I’d like to try this, but every single time I hear her voice chastising me about even thinking about it.

I get very fearful of the consequences of going against what she has frowned upon.

I’d like to try and shift from this, and actually do what I want, but I’m not exactly sure how? Do others have similar situations.

Mental health is really tough, I’m very isolated with no one to talk to really ‘nut’ it out. I’m hoping that someone has had a similar experience or can reassure me that I’m not alone

Hey Mrs. Challenged. Mums are in our head. As a Mum myself, raised by narcissistic parents, it can be a struggle not to hear their criticisms, after all the years of recovering from childhood pain and stress. As the adult, I try to lend my prefrontal cortex and decision skills making to their challenges instead of bringing anxiety and microaggressions toward them. Unfortunately, sounds like our Mums were not giving us those things when we needed them. Give yourself a gift and give those loving words to yourself. Make yourself light up, despite how your Mum could not communicate to you. You can feel light and warm inside. You are worth it! Enjoy a quality life that you were not shown - decide for yourself. You are strong! Keep stopping those words, "Mum, you cannot hurt me anymore!" "I am worthy of love."
You are not alone! We connect as a community for strength! Take the torch!! Light your world up with Joy.
Dee88

 

[deno]

It’s brutal when something that’s supposed to help just makes things worse. Therapy should be a safe place, but when it turns into another source of harm, it leaves you feeling stuck, like there’s nowhere left to turn. And I get why you held onto that therapist at first—sometimes we’re so desperate for something to work that we try to force it, even when it’s clearly doing more damage than good.

Recognizing what was happening and naming it, that’s a huge step. Seeing that the anger belonged to the therapist and not turning it inward? That’s survival. And honestly, it makes complete sense that after everything, you'd have nothing left to give to others right now. No one can demand anything from you. Just getting through this, figuring out your next steps...that’s enough.

You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be heard. And you deserve the right help. I’m really glad you shared this, and I hope even putting it into words gave you a little bit of relief.