My mother living in my head

[Mrs Challenged]

In 2010 my mum passed away suddenly. For a long time prior to that our relationship had been extremely fractured. Since I opened up to my mother about the details of my cptsd (when I was 16, I’m now 51) she had blamed me for what went on ……… like WTF!!!!

Even though she passed away 15 years ago in May, I still feel like she is living in side my head. She is extremely overpowering, is only happy if I do exactly what she says, and is incredibly judgemental.

Some might find this funny, to me it is a bit funny, but I also really struggle. My mother used to make a huge deal about coloured / and or black bras under a white shirt. For a long time now I’ve thought that I’d like to try this, but every single time I hear her voice chastising me about even thinking about it.

I get very fearful of the consequences of going against what she has frowned upon.

I’d like to try and shift from this, and actually do what I want, but I’m not exactly sure how? Do others have similar situations.

Mental health is really tough, I’m very isolated with no one to talk to really ‘nut’ it out. I’m hoping that someone has had a similar experience or can reassure me that I’m not alone

 

[Sideways]

Both my parents loved to control and criticise (the bra thing? Yep! That one is familiar!).

Now that I’m older, I thoroughly enjoy breaking all those rules. Deliberately. Mindfully. Exploring what I actually enjoy.

One of the exercises I did was experimenting with breakfast. For decades it had been the same thing that was ‘absolutely necessary’, with no variation. I decided to explore the alternatives. I asked other people what they had for breakfast, what their favourite breakfast was, and then I spent months trying everything.

Some I loved, some were awful. But it was an incredibly powerful, liberating experience for me. Discovering I have agency. Discovering I have choice. That I’m allowed to break those rules and live my life. That the voice in my head (and since I’m still in contact with my parents, occasionally in person) actually doesn’t need to determine my behaviour or even limit my enjoyment of these things.

It took very deliberate decisions, a shittonne of noticing my choices, and being okay with the massive discomfort (and sometimes flat-out panic) that the internal voice can trigger. And doing it anyway. But the more I did it, the more natural it became.

These days? It’s becoming much more natural for me to make choices that have no resemblance at all to what my parents insisted on. I got to where I am through hard work and persistence and time, but it was absolutely worth it.

A few years ago, I even managed to finally tell my parents “oh yeah, and I’m vegan”! Which was huge for me. I wear whatever underwear I want. I walk around outside without shoes on because it makes me feel grounded. I leave the ceiling fan on in my room during the day to keep the air fresh and burn scented candles and don’t fold my socks and eat dessert instead of dinner occasionally and, and, and…

I still cop very heavy criticism from them. My choices are unacceptable, and I am unacceptable. But these days, it makes me more sad for them than ashamed of myself.

You want to experiment with different lingerie? Go on a spree. There is some fun and funky stuff out there. Lingerie that you put on under your clothes for no other reason than it makes you feel good. Instead of being something to worry about, enjoy it! Splurge. Treat yourself. Know in advance that it will, probably, be distressing at first, and your internal critic will have a lot to say.

And do it anyway.

Most of that? Is from ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy). You might find ‘The Happiness Trap’ helpful if you like reading, because it breaks down the core principles of ACT and makes them easy to apply in real life.

 

[Movingforward10]

Everything @Sideways says.

My mother was/is overpowering too. Her reality became my reality growing up and in adulthood. The problem with her reality, is that she made it up and changed it on a whim. Which made me not know what was real and what wasn't. Something that hindered my ability to process all sorts of things for decades.
Anyway, my T switched it up for me saying: why am I allowing someone else's values override my own? Why am I allowing someone else's messages to live in my head? What do I get out of doing this? What do I loose if I change things up? And what do I gain?

Bit by bit, moving your mum out of your head will help. Growing in confidence that nothing bad at all will happen is you do what you want and go against her rules.

Is there something you feel able to start off trying with and see how it goes?

 

[MGB74]

Everything @Sideways says.

My mother was/is overpowering too. Her reality became my reality growing up and in adulthood. The problem with her reality, is that she made it up and changed it on a whim. Which made me not know what was real and what wasn't. Something that hindered my ability to process all sorts of things for decades.
Anyway, my T switched it up for me saying: why am I allowing someone else's values override my own? Why am I allowing someone else's messages to live in my head? What do I get out of doing this? What do I loose if I change things up? And what do I gain?

Bit by bit, moving your mum out of your head will help. Growing in confidence that nothing bad at all will happen is you do what you want and go against her rules.

Is there something you feel able to start off trying with and see how it goes?

Thank you @Movingforward10 I really appreciate you taking time to reply to my post!
I’ve got no idea where to start. I think I might try and make a list of what she was so critical about and then try and pick something that’s not a 10/10 challenging!

 

[MGB74]

Both my parents loved to control and criticise (the bra thing? Yep! That one is familiar!).

Now that I’m older, I thoroughly enjoy breaking all those rules. Deliberately. Mindfully. Exploring what I actually enjoy.

One of the exercises I did was experimenting with breakfast. For decades it had been the same thing that was ‘absolutely necessary’, with no variation. I decided to explore the alternatives. I asked other people what they had for breakfast, what their favourite breakfast was, and then I spent months trying everything.

Some I loved, some were awful. But it was an incredibly powerful, liberating experience for me. Discovering I have agency. Discovering I have choice. That I’m allowed to break those rules and live my life. That the voice in my head (and since I’m still in contact with my parents, occasionally in person) actually doesn’t need to determine my behaviour or even limit my enjoyment of these things.

It took very deliberate decisions, a shittonne of noticing my choices, and being okay with the massive discomfort (and sometimes flat-out panic) that the internal voice can trigger. And doing it anyway. But the more I did it, the more natural it became.

These days? It’s becoming much more natural for me to make choices that have no resemblance at all to what my parents insisted on. I got to where I am through hard work and persistence and time, but it was absolutely worth it.

A few years ago, I even managed to finally tell my parents “oh yeah, and I’m vegan”! Which was huge for me. I wear whatever underwear I want. I walk around outside without shoes on because it makes me feel grounded. I leave the ceiling fan on in my room during the day to keep the air fresh and burn scented candles and don’t fold my socks and eat dessert instead of dinner occasionally and, and, and…

I still cop very heavy criticism from them. My choices are unacceptable, and I am unacceptable. But these days, it makes me more sad for them than ashamed of myself.

You want to experiment with different lingerie? Go on a spree. There is some fun and funky stuff out there. Lingerie that you put on under your clothes for no other reason than it makes you feel good. Instead of being something to worry about, enjoy it! Splurge. Treat yourself. Know in advance that it will, probably, be distressing at first, and your internal critic will have a lot to say.

And do it anyway.

Most of that? Is from ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy). You might find ‘The Happiness Trap’ helpful if you like reading, because it breaks down the core principles of ACT and makes them easy to apply in real life.

Thank you @Sideways this is really helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to write to me

 

[RVA21]

It's called an introject, where their voice is in your head like that. Sam Vaknin does good videos about it on YouTube. He suggests talking over the voice, literally talk over it, out loud if you have to. Talk about things you like and enjoy, over that voice. Do it as many times as you need, whenever the voice comes into your head. Even tell the voice to shut up, if you want.

I've had some success with this with regards to a person who basically brainwashed me for a long time. As I met them when I was an adult, I started talking over the voice whenever it came into my head, talking about all the things I liked before I ever met that person. (The person manipulated me, over many years, to stop liking a lot of the things I liked before I ever knew them, and to change who I was).

It has worked to some extent and I don't hear their voice as much as I used to. It's early days though, only been trying it for a few months.

Sam talks about 'separate, individuate' in his videos, that's helpful information too. To separate from them in your mind, and become entirely yourself. Especially if the person took over and was controlling you a lot. Various techniques on his channel.

 

[amicableDog6980]

I can relate. My dad passed away almost 2 years ago now. I still have judgmental thoughts and lies that he would say stuck in my head. Not bras but socks. Dad would judge me on what socks I wore. It literally doesn't matter, no one will see my ankle sock anyway, yet I still struggle with deciding which socks to wear every morning.

 

[Flossy]

My Narcissist mother died 5-6 years ago. I had been No Contact for ten years. I did not go to the funeral. I went the next day to stand beside her dirt grave to make sure it was true.
Over the past twenty years I have done many ritual things to get her out of my head.
I dont have anything she owned. I dont have anything she gave me. I smashed some things with hammers over time and buried other things in the back yard. I enjoyed the whole thing. She was obsessed with my hair and how I should "do" it. to this day I never brush it, only while it is wet to get the knots out. I know it would piss her off and I love to look messy.
I have a photo of myself at about 8 years old with long blond messy hair and a weird dress. Then a photo of how she like me. A ballerina with a tight shiny topknow and hairnet and perfect makeup and tutu. f*ck that. I now look like a fairy that has been dragged through the forest most of the time. Get rid of every part of what she wanted you to be. Anything of value, sell it or give it away. If you love it for your true self, cover it in salt and leave it out at night.

 

[MGB74]

@Flossy …..thank you! Our paths were meant to cross on this forum because Flossy was what my dad used to call me.
This is really helpful, I appreciate you taking the time to help!

 

[Flossy]

@Flossy …..thank you! Our paths were meant to cross on this forum because Flossy was what my dad used to call me.
This is really helpful, I appreciate you taking the time to help!

Awww! Flossy is what my beloved Nanna used to call me. I am so glad it helped. Please try it at least two times. I promise it is cleansing. I am a big believer in rituals being part of how humans move from one stage to the next. Not in a witchy poo way but in a basic early human way. If you cannot bear to sell, or keep a valuable thing that came from the problem person, leave it somewhere in the hope that someone who really needs it will find it.
My very best wishes to you. x

 

[arfie]

in my own case, this phenom is not reserved for dead people. i'm still carrying on conversations with bullies who tormented me in kindergarten and uncounted others since. i call those self-animated characters, "the puppets in my head." one of my therapy exercises is attempting to visualize how those playground bullies look now, 65 years after the torment. some days i am able to visualize them and wish i could test the visuals. yes, my estranged mother is among those puppets in my head, even though i didn't speak with her for 45 years before she died in 2017. i often wonder if absentee mothers are even noisier than active mothers. total disregard is a mean form of violence.

time has no meaning in the healing process. ~algonquin proverb

i figure that each of the puppets in my head signal a place i am still in need of healing. when those puppets get rowdy, i pray for healing while i remind myself to be gentle with myself and patient with the process.

 

[MGB74]

@arfie thank you. I really appreciate your comment about when the puppets get noisey, be gentle and be patient with the process - amongst many things I’m not very gentle with myself or patient, but I’m going to try