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I can't

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What is to gain by not being here?

I'd finally get to rest. I wouldn't have to take care of anyone else or feel bad for not taking care of anyone else. I wouldn't have to struggle anymore. But mostly, I'd finally, truly get to rest.
 
The truth about your statement rings true for me, especially at my most trying times of this joureny. But, what if, it really isn't how we think or picture it to be, this death thing.... what if, it all continues, what you are feeling now, but no way out, no solutions, no help, no support and it just stays the same , with out hope.....
Too many of us made it to the other side of what you are feeling.... and I didn't really want to die, I wanted to know life with answers... tho I wanted quick answers and solutions.... that's not how it works.... There is no easier softer way.... I wish there was sometimes... but there just isn't.
You are still concerned about your pets.... you don't see that as hope, but I do.... and pretty sure others see that also.
We don't have magic pain free answers.... that's why we are all here, trying to do this 'living' thing. We already know how to die, we don't know how to live....

Maybe something as simple as find one thing to be grateful for , can start your foundation for living.... not burden it down with responsibility, but something as simple as seeing a little wildflower growing thru the cracks in the sidewalk... which to me is very symbolic of us.... making it thru... regardless of the obstacles...

I hope you keep posting, and someone will end up saying what you need to hear to give you some hope.... I understand how tired you are. I'm pretty sure we all do.... so, even at this stage of things, you are not alone.... and if we stick around, we learn how to rest.... others teach us how to rest.... but they also encourage us to not give up.....

So, can only send cyber hugs, but the intention is real.
 
I can't abandon my animals right? I have to figrue out a way through this? I thin I've figured out a plan for 4 of the 5 so they'd have care. But still... that's awful that I'm thinking about that. And cruel. Two of the animals are so emotionally fragile. it would be so wrong to do that to them.

my T and I talked about e seeing a psych nurse but I'm so... distrustful. And what if tweaking meds maes me worse.

the nightamres were relally horrible alst night. And sleep was crap

I need to go to work. I need to. I can afford to miss even a day. All I want to do is be dead. I am so, so ired.

everyone has a breaking point. what if this is mine? I've been through harder stuff and times but what if this is just mine. how the f*ck am I gpoing to drag myself to work today.
 
Sorry things are so painful right now, @Muttly . Its so hard to be in these moments and fear and uncertainty and despair and hopelessness. When I'm in these moments, I think back on former times I thought I was at my breaking point, but hung on and kept going one day at a time. I think of all the good experiences I've had since then, all the loving friends I've met since then, things I would not have had if I had given up then. And I say to myself "there must be more good experiences in the future and loving people in the future, and I don't want to miss out on them, just like I'm so glad I didn't miss out on the ones I got to have when I didn't give up last time."
Don't give up! Hang on to hope. You are loved. There ARE good things ahead for you.
 
Thank you everyone for being so supportive. I am sorry I am posting again. I am just feeling really suicidal again. Had a flashback last night. Then didn't sleep. Seem to have a cold. Should be going to work but can't. Got a late notice for a bill. Don't even remember receiving the bill. Tired tired tired.

I saw my T on wednesday. I was fully honest with her about the sui thoughts. This is a big deal because I've never been that honest with a therapist, psych or doctor before. She was good. We have an agreement. If today gets worse I have to call her. I see a psych P.A. on Monday (yuck). And I am going on medical leave. At least that's the plan but now I dont now if I qualify for FMLA. I mean, I guess I can still not wor if I don't qualify but I guess I could get fired. I've never been fired.... yeah, yeah, getting ahead of myself.

I keep thinking how I can't afford to take a leave from work but then... if I get hospitalized I will miss work and have huge bills.
 
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