I dissociate around food

[ZiggyBlvd]

Hi, I'm new to this forum. I was recently diagnosed with both anorexia nervosa and PTSD. Both sort of influence each other in a really detrimental way. I was molested at the onset of puberty and ever since then have had a chronic fear of possessing an adult form. I have starved away my secondary sexusl characteristics.
My mind has linked eating with disassociation/traumatic memories. If I eat I "grow", and if I "grow" I attract the type of sexual attention to that traumatized me in the first place. I have started severely dissociating around food just as I dissociate when I remember what happened to me. It fuels my anorexia, but it is definitely a symptom of PTSD and almost a separate issue entirely.
I was wondering if anyone has any experience with feeling utterly removed from the act of eating, or with the act of eating inducing very painful memories, and what I can do to combat it. I know my anorexia might get in the way of any progress I make, but I would appreciate any advice very much.
Thanks for your time.

 

[Deadman]

Welcome @ZiggyBlvd I can't really help with the eating disorder side of things but I'm sure there are others who can. I just didn't want you to get discouraged if it takes a while for them to reply.

There's a small eating disorder treatment center not far down the road from me. I have a sudden urge to run down there and ask them good things to say :)

 

[ZiggyBlvd]

Welcome @ZiggyBlvd I can't really help with the eating disorder side of things but I...

Thanks for the thoughtful reply! :)

 

[Leisel]

I don't know if I have any helpful advice, but I can relate to you. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder before my PTSD diagnosis but it's what I used to try to feel in control, keep away sex characteristics, and repress the memories. I think the only thing to do is "trust the process." It hurts to move forward. "The evil you know is better than the one you don't," right? That's what they say. But I think that the reality is, true happiness only comes when we let ourselves feel and when we go through the process of healing.
For now, maybe that just means going to therapy and eating food. It's actually an okay situation - one way to combat dissociation is by using grounding techniques. While eating, you can ground by feeling/noticing the taste and texture of your food. See if you like it. Note how it feels in your teeth.
I know this can be really hard especially with anorexia; sometimes we don't like the taste of food or how it feels in our mouths, but it's doing these things that helps us move forward in recovery.
I say listen to and be honest with your treatment team (therapist, doctors, dietician, etc).
You're not alone in how you feel or what you're going through.

 

[ZiggyBlvd]

I don't know if I have any helpful advice, but I can relate to you. I was diagnosed with an eating disor...

I'd say I'm glad you can relate, only I really wish people didn't have to suffer- in ways that are similar to my own or otherwise. But I almost didn't think I'd come across an experience so similar, so thank you for taking the time to share it and give advice.

You are saying a lot of what I have heard and still need to hear. I have been in treatment in the past and have tried different techniques like the ones you mentioned. The trouble is once I am around or about to eat food the disassociation is immediate and involuntary. I have tried my hardest to pull myself out of it but it's like my mind jumps in to protect me from the memories it knows will return if I eat. The depth of the detachment really feels like it's less about the anorexia than the trauma behind it.

I will keep trying, though. Thank you again for sharing and reminding me that I am not alone.

 

[Teamwork]

For me it was having anything in my mouth that made eating tricky. Well makes it impossible. So I had to actively decide what and how long I could tolerate.