I don’t care how much i heal, this isn’t changing!

[EveHarrington]

I’m wondering if other people have effects of trauma that they have no intention of “healing”.

For me it’s my dissociated feeling of anger. (I have two dissociated feelings, fear and anger.)

No, it’s not perfect, but it’s nice that the emotion of anger does not cloud the “self”. I can be spitting nails angry at someone one day, and fine with them the next. “Normies” have been amazed at how quickly the shift happens as most people struggle to work through their anger.

I liken it to holding love close, and hate/anger far. And no, I don’t think that integrating anger will benefit me in the long run. (Cost/benefit analysis says things are working as is!)

Not wanting to argue this point so much as I’m curious if others have trauma effects that are working for them that they don’t want to “heal”.

I notice this dissociated anger issue come up in therapy when my therapist is astonished at my feelings, ie feeling bad for my abusive father when he doesn’t care about me, why am I not angry?!? It’s a sticking point, but I’m not changing. It’s nice to be able to LET IT GO! Lol.

So do you have trauma effects that you want to keep even though it’s out of the ordinary, even if a therapist thinks it’s something you should fix?

 

[Freida]

I'm not sure I want to give up my hyper vigilance but according to the T my need for it will lessen as my therapy goes on...so I guess the jury is still out on that. And I'm not terribly sure I want anger back -- no matter how much they insist that I need it.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Yeah there are some hyper-vigilance things I’d like to keep. For example I have an excellent sense of direction and very rarely get lost I’m constantly aware which means I find my way around much easier.

Also... I’m not sure about this one all the time it’s a very fine line. I’m very good at reading people and knowing when something is up with them which it’s a survival technique from a volatile childhood. As well as hyper-vigilance. The problem with this one is I’m constantly assessing situations and sometimes when I’m not feeling well and not in tune with myself I project on to others. It’s also very draining to be constantly supporting other people and they like seek me out for emotional support and that’s the role I took in childhood so trying to step away from that. It’s just hard when you can see the pain people are hiding from other people.

Is that the sort of thing you meant? I’d keep those things if I could and get rid of the rest.

 

[Stephernovas]

So writing this out will likely sound strange, but I hope I can explain this well enough so you can understand. The reason I like having PTSD is there everyone is encouraging me to amp up my self-care. They push me to be in the moment and stay there. To take time for myself and ensure I am feeling okay. To work on feeling inner peace always. I cannot express to you enough how many times I hear (in the social work field), when I was working others preaching so hard about taking care of yourself. Only thing is, it became something people spoke of, but never put into practice. It has always been this idealistic way of living/working, but the minute productivity suffers because your attention is on taking care of yourself too long...well, you better change that fast and get to work otherwise you're in trouble!

The hypervigilence is great. I notice so much more than anyone else I know. It has also helped me out of many scenarios in my youth, but it's also sometimes SO annoying to not be able to 'shut my monitors off'. I always used to see pics of classmates taking group trips down to Mexico or whatever and there I was, unable to feel comfortable or safe enough to do anything like that, much less have friends. Therefore, I also enjoy the numbing. I'm honestly so comfortable by myself now that if I can forget feelings happened or are there, the better.

**Edit to first paragraph: But, obviously for all of the awful symptoms of PTSD, it is not something I wish to keep. I don't enjoy crying and I have done waaaaay too much of that with my mood swings and etc since the trauma.