I Don’t Know What I Am Doing

[Lost in the Woods]

I don’t have a clue what I am doing. I filed for divorce less than 2 months ago after living separate from my wife for 8 months. It was the most emotionally painful thing I have ever been through. I have been enjoying living alone in my little hippie house above old town Bisbee Arizona. I did a road trip to Seattle to pick up a new to me BMW 750 motorcycle. Which I just got back from Sunday night. So a few weeks ago I got one of those facebook friend notices from an old girlfriend. It wasn’t that she was seeking me out, facebook somehow knew we knew each other. Then a few days later someone is talking to me about skiing and I remembered a wonderful skiing trip I took with that girlfriend. I sent her an email and we started chatting via email. It was going great and I decided I would visit her on my way back to Bisbee. So I did and ended up staying 3 nights with her. At first as we made love I would think “what am I doing”. I of course don’t have a clue.

We talked for over an hour and a half on the phone last night. We decided we would start dating long distance with one of us frequently traveling to visit the other or meeting at destinations. She has a trauma history and has been doing therapy for decades. I first met her when she was 24 and I was 33. I was a single parent at the time as she was. I hired her as a nanny for my kids and in time we started dating. We dated 2 or 3 years and just sort of drifted apart. There were a couple time we got together over the years and had brief flings before I met my wife.

So here we are 35 years later finding ourselves as attracted to each other as much as ever. After what I have been trough the last thing I want is an unhealthy relationship or something that would hamper my personal healing.

She has come a long way since her nanny days, she is a very successful self made woman which I think is fantastic. We have decided to explore having an ongoing relationship and I am scared to death. If we do this I want to do it right. I am thinking about getting some relationship counseling from the start. I have talked to my T about it and she thinks it is fine but cautions to not lose myself in the relationship. I already have noticed my anxiety level has been up since we started seeing each other. I have a mixture of fear and excitement. What do you guys think?

 

[Teasel]

It sounds ok, maybe a little quick? Having some relationship counselling sounds a great idea

 

[Friday]

She’s familiar… so she’s “safe” / comfortable / understood. And you JUST filed. Which means there is a 96.4% chance (apx) she’s a rebound. A port in a storm. A place to breathe. To rest/recover from. Both -ex & turmoil- are better than even chances, add them together, and it’s deeply unlikely this is long term. That. Doesn’t. Mean. It’s. A. Bad. Thing. Any port in a storm? Could be a stripper you’ve known 2 minutes, but in this storm you’ve found a self made successful former lover. There’s connection. Long standing connection. It will still likely blow all to hell, but it is what it is. Possible bad timing fixed, probably bad timing continues / is what’s foundational IN your being with them.

It sounds ok, maybe a little quick? Having some relationship counselling sounds a great idea

The male of the species reacts in about 1/10th-1/50th of the time the female does… statistically.

So if the average woman takes a year? The average man takes a month, a week, or less. A week of Hagen Daas, and sobbing, before their girlfriends drag them out? That same night do blokes go out with the guys, or in the first phone call 10 minutes later. To get to the exact same mental/emotional “place”. With durn near identical long term results. As a general rule? Men shift gears INFINITELY faster than women do. Are there outliers to the stats? Yep! Individual men/women who respond in “normal” ways… for the other gender. As well as in bizarre ways for either gender. Outliers are just that. Also normal, in their own ways.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

All good stuff. I agree about the rebound issue. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to get hurt. I really value my alone time to reflect on what is happening so in that sense a long distance relationship makes sense.

 

[Movingforward10]

You have been separated for 8 months. Whilst you have just filed for divorce, it hasn't been a rash decision. It's been one that has been coming for some time.

Why not start a relationship? It sounds like you have a big connection, you know each other, and maybe the timing is right now than before? Why not go for it?

No one can predict the future. No one can know if a relationship will work or not. And if this one ends, it doesn't mean it wasn't worth pursuing. It just means it ended. Or, maybe this one won't. Who knows?

Does it feel right? That's the only thing that matters.

The anxiety, is understandable. This is change. This is a risk. This is the unknown.
Is it a rebound? Who knows. No one ever knows about a rebound until after the event.
As long as you are treating her with respect, being honest, communicating, then that is important.

And, learning from your previous 'mistakes' in relationships. What have you learnt about what not to repeat? And then do that.

 

[Susan Jane]

I don’t have a clue what I am doing. I filed for divorce less than 2 months ago after living separate from my wife for 8 months. It was the most emotionally painful thing I have ever been through. I have been enjoying living alone in my little hippie house above old town Bisbee Arizona. I did a road trip to Seattle to pick up a new to me BMW 750 motorcycle. Which I just got back from Sunday night. So a few weeks ago I got one of those facebook friend notices from an old girlfriend. It wasn’t that she was seeking me out, facebook somehow knew we knew each other. Then a few days later someone is talking to me about skiing and I remembered a wonderful skiing trip I took with that girlfriend. I sent her an email and we started chatting via email. It was going great and I decided I would visit her on my way back to Bisbee. So I did and ended up staying 3 nights with her. At first as we made love I would think “what am I doing”. I of course don’t have a clue.

We talked for over an hour and a half on the phone last night. We decided we would start dating long distance with one of us frequently traveling to visit the other or meeting at destinations. She has a trauma history and has been doing therapy for decades. I first met her when she was 24 and I was 33. I was a single parent at the time as she was. I hired her as a nanny for my kids and in time we started dating. We dated 2 or 3 years and just sort of drifted apart. There were a couple time we got together over the years and had brief flings before I met my wife.

So here we are 35 years later finding ourselves as attracted to each other as much as ever. After what I have been trough the last thing I want is an unhealthy relationship or something that would hamper my personal healing.

She has come a long way since her nanny days, she is a very successful self made woman which I think is fantastic. We have decided to explore having an ongoing relationship and I am scared to death. If we do this I want to do it right. I am thinking about getting some relationship counseling from the start. I have talked to my T about it and she thinks it is fine but cautions to not lose myself in the relationship. I already have noticed my anxiety level has been up since we started seeing each other. I have a mixture of fear and excitement. What do you guys think?

I see your concerns… perhaps just get to know each other again? Honestly, for me sex confuses things, but that is me. I think you should listen to your gut… and I know that is hard. I visited an old love, and it was great. I fantasied about us being together again. I was convinced it was real. My gut told me otherwise, and I got caught up in the past. That is only MY experience. I have trauma issues and abandonment fear, so even though it didn’t work out, it helped me grow… nevertheless it was really hard to let go again. Don’t know if this will help but wishing you peace during this confusing/exciting/anxious time.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

We are talking about it. We both feel very attracted to each other but we both have concerns. We agree we can make it whatever we want. We see value in the geographic separation.

 

[arfie]

finding the humility to accept that i haven't a clue what i am doing has been my key to relationships across the board, from the store clerk to the love of my life whom i have been tempted to dump more often than my sisters have remarried. i think the only reason our 45th anniversary approaches is that we both hate lawyers. my sisters have rolodexes filled with lawyer referrals.

letting myself remain clueless on what the future may bring has opened many a surprising window to unique relationship growth. i guess i should emphasize that i have a larger definition of, "relationship" than the classic dating rhetoric.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I am clueless about everything. I think that is what makes life so interesting, it isn’t understandable.