Regret - I don’t know what to do

[Jimmy80]

So about 8 months ago I was happily in a relationship. The woman i was with was beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, and I had never had anyone as caring/connected to me as her. It was clearly the happiest/best period of time in my life.

Unfortunately, I got physically ill and it degraded my mental health. My cptsd rooted self shame/guilt compounded by my internal belief that we as a species are gonna suffer majorly before 2060 completely brought out my avoidant side and ruined my relationship. I couldn’t see how I, with all my faults and pain could support a mother and her child through that.

I wish I could go back and stop myself from ever ending it. I try insanely hard everyday to not think about it/criticize myself over it but it is sooooo hard. Anytime I see any beautiful woman, hear a song we shared, see a car that looks like hers, etc… I fight a war within myself to not dissociate and spiral down into self shame/guilt.

I don’t know what to do. As I said i am trying my best to use all of the skills and techniques from all of the different therapies, but it feels like it’s eating me alive.

 

[Friday]

So she was someone you could love when you were at your best, but couldn’t trust to even make her own choices, (much less anything else) when you were at your worst.

That’s both brutal, and often unfair (as she never got the chance to choose, as you took that away from her)… but ALSO? Very valid.

You did what you could do, to protect her.

That’s something to grieve, rather than regret, imo/ime.

She sounds wonderful. I’m both sorry you lost her, and proud you prioritized her & her child, over yourself, and recognize that extreme loss… of trust in yourself, in her, & making the BEST choice you could, in the moment. It may, or may not, be the “right” choice… but it was the best choice, in the moment, at the time. DO try and forgive yourself for loving her… that much. That you would choose her happiness over your own. Without allowing her to choose.

 

[arfie]

ouch on top of ouch and ouch some more. i hate it when my mental illness makes me do bone-headed, paranoid stuff like that. my self-loathing comes roaring, front and center, when i think of all the good and innocent people i've lashed out at like you describe here. "sick people do sick things" isn't much of a consolation when the sick person doing sick things is me. where's my magic time machine so i can go back for a redo?

empathetic sigh. . .

personally, i channel my grief over such messes into my recovery. i let the remorse serve as a reminder to work my therapy tools. they work when i work them. self-forgiveness is a biggie for me. there is nothing justy about forgiving myself for being a sick person doing sick things.

congratulations on your courage for speaking of ^it^ so honestly and openly. honest and open acceptance is always my first step toward channeling my remorse into recovery.