I Don't Even Know Myself.

[FlowerGirl]

Something is really wrong with me and I don't know what it is. Sometimes I act out of character and I don't know why. I don't feel like I am a consistent person. In fact I always warn new people that I am unpredictable. I can say one thing and sincerely mean it and then, at some random time, decide I don't feel that way/think that thing anymore. I can sincerely love someone and then the next day tell them I dont have feelings for them, and then flip back to having feelings for them again. I can never tell what I'll feel like or do next. And worse!!! Every time I try to talk about this, I automatically become serious and I cannot say what I want to. And even if I do say it I dont feel it emotionally.

 

[joe222]

Honestly maybe you should just take time to find yourself, if you can? I had a time like that a few years ago, with my feelings shifting to one extreme from the next. Looking back I just realise I was extremely confused... Also peoples feelings do change, like again if I look at myself at the mo I may feel like crap for a few days, then amazing for another couple. Are you on medication? That might help, and if you need to say something say it, regardless of if you feel emotional when you do. Sometimes we get so emotional, when we say it we can't feel anything when it comes out. Take care!

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Flower girl you sound like my twin

 

[henamedmeowl]

Wow. Me too. I have this..and the interesting thing is that when I with someone that is open and accepting of me like this...all of a sudden I super present and aware of myself...like no longer disassociated but in my body and unafraid. This is a new experience for me...but I feel like the not knowing who I am is a result of being disassociated majority of the time in my life..because I never want to be in myself...I actually feel locked out of myself...because inside there is nothing but pain and I feel like if I go in..I will fall apart and there is no where safe in my world to do so. ...I am not sure if any of that made sense...basically I relate and I appreciate you sharing. x

 

[Oicu812]

To Flower Girl, I do understand what you're going through, I have been diagnosed with PTSD in the last year and a half, and I can tell you it's a very unpredictable mind numbing experience to say the least. PTSD is a whole body tragedy, an integral human event of enormous proportions with massive repercussions, that said not all wounds are visible and love is one of them, I've had those same feelings many times and it drives my girl crazy, for now the med's do help but It hurt's so badly going from one extreme to another and this has been my life for 46 years, yes I'm finally in therapy with an awesome therapist and I have a lot of work in front of me, at times I just want to give up. I too am new to this site so welcome, I might not be the best to give you any advice but I sure do know all about the monster that dwells in my head and I do feel for you and the tragedy that's before you. I wish you peace my friend. Greg...

 

[BlueOrange]

@FlowerGirl , your description sounds like a dissociative disorder at work to me.

Given the general kind of description you provided, here are some general suggestions:
- find a therapist who understands trauma
- be gentle with yourself and recognize that sustainable change happens slowly
- seek safe opportunities to express the various things that you feel (perhaps through art)