I don't feel safe anywhere

[donnaisatartt]

Because of my trauma, I don't feel safe anywhere I am. Even sitting in my bedroom right now, as I type this, I'm hyperaware of every sound outside my windows. My doors and windows are always locked, yet I check them a million times a day and even have reinforcements on my windows so they can't be forced open. I have a taser next to my bed, a knife under my mattress, and multiple pieces of wood that I could use as a bat if I needed to. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, constantly feeling like I could be attacked or something awful could happen to me at any moment. I still go out into the world-- I have to-- and I've learned over the years to push those thoughts of being unsafe down so I'm at least not thinking about it 24/7, even though my subconscious is very aware. But there are times, like tonight, where I feel so crippled by it, where I can't do anything except curl on my bed and cry. What makes it worse is that no one around me understands it. At least, not the whole scope of it. Sure, my friends (especially my female friends) would be sketched out walking down a dark alley at night. But they never would plan their escape route inside a Trader Joe's on the off chance someone may come in and try to harm them. I can't even count how many times someone has made me feel ridiculous because of how much I emphasize my safety. I feel so incredibly alone sometimes that it overwhelms me. I just want to feel safe somewhere, or feel safe with someone, someone who gets it, who gets me. I wouldn't wish my trauma on anyone, but I feel like I'm carrying thousands of pounds of weight on my shoulders and I have no one to help me carry it. Does anyone else feel like this? Is anyone else just constantly searching for a safe space that they can never seem to find?

 

[Dynamic]

Hi there. I can relate to almost your entire post. I see you are new here. Welcome!
I've had many days of the same feelings where all I could do was cry in my bed. It can improve for you.
Just yesterday and today all I could really do well was lay in my bed. But things have improved and they can for you also.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. There's so many wonderful helpful people on this site that are serious about caring for everyone else.

But Im actually comforted by your post. When I was there, I wasn't here. I'm sorry if that sounds messed up. I thought for sure I'd never get better or feel better. And that I was a freak of nature now. But this can all improve. I hope you the best!

 

[DharmaGirl]

Is anyone else just constantly searching for a safe space that they can never seem to find?

I found I had to make a safe place. I worked on grounding and being present, and eventually my symptoms lessened. I still have symptoms but I feel safer than I did 8 years ago. It's a long process healing from PTSD.

 

[donnaisatartt]

Hi there. I can relate to almost your entire post. I see you are new here. Welcome!
I've had many days of the same feelings where all I could do was cry in my bed. It can improve for you.
Just yesterday and today all I could really do well was lay in my bed. But things have improved and they can for you also.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. There's so many wonderful helpful people on this site that are serious about caring for everyone else.

But Im actually comforted by your post. When I was there, I wasn't here. I'm sorry if that sounds messed up. I thought for sure I'd never get better or feel better. And that I was a freak of nature now. But this can all improve. I hope you the best!

That’s not messed up at all. I decided to come on here because I wanted a community, I wanted to find at least one person that felt the way I do. So I totally get that. Your comment reminded me that I can’t be the only one who feels like this.

I found I had to make a safe place. I worked on grounding and being present, and eventually my symptoms lessened. I still have symptoms but I feel safer than I did 8 years ago. It's a long process healing from PTSD.

Yeah. It’s been 7 years since the incident and my sense of safety really hasn’t gotten any better. So I feel you on the lengthy process.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Yeah. It’s been 7 years since the incident

It was 8 years of therapy that helped. It's been over 58 years since the start of the incidents. Are you in therapy? Are you practicing the grounding techniques and other tools the therapist is giving? PTSD doesn't get better on its own. You can help yourself by getting books on the subject, workbooks, meditation, medication, yoga etc...

 

[WillowS]

Because of my trauma, I don't feel safe anywhere I am. Even sitting in my bedroom right now, as I type this, I'm hyperaware of every sound outside my windows. My doors and windows are always locked, yet I check them a million times a day and even have reinforcements on my windows so they can't be forced open. I have a taser next to my bed, a knife under my mattress, and multiple pieces of wood that I could use as a bat if I needed to. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, constantly feeling like I could be attacked or something awful could happen to me at any moment. I still go out into the world-- I have to-- and I've learned over the years to push those thoughts of being unsafe down so I'm at least not thinking about it 24/7, even though my subconscious is very aware. But there are times, like tonight, where I feel so crippled by it, where I can't do anything except curl on my bed and cry. What makes it worse is that no one around me understands it. At least, not the whole scope of it. Sure, my friends (especially my female friends) would be sketched out walking down a dark alley at night. But they never would plan their escape route inside a Trader Joe's on the off chance someone may come in and try to harm them. I can't even count how many times someone has made me feel ridiculous because of how much I emphasize my safety. I feel so incredibly alone sometimes that it overwhelms me. I just want to feel safe somewhere, or feel safe with someone, someone who gets it, who gets me. I wouldn't wish my trauma on anyone, but I feel like I'm carrying thousands of pounds of weight on my shoulders and I have no one to help me carry it. Does anyone else feel like this? Is anyone else just constantly searching for a safe space that they can never seem to find?

Your post made me sob. I know this place. It’s like falling. Always falling. I feel the lightest breath away from total collapse and there is ntnoi can do about it. No safety! Ever again!’ is where I am at tonight. I’m terrified and in bed hoping sleep comes quickly. I will listen to an e-book. They usually get me through.

 

[Friday]

No safety! Ever again!’ is where I am at tonight. I’m terrified

Because of my trauma, I don't feel safe anywhere I am.

What I can’t wrap my head around, is why this is something to be afraid of.

Which could be another way of tackling things: Just because the world isn’t safe? Doesn’t mean that’s something to fear. IE Working on the fear of danger, learning how to grade it & feel competent; rather than trying to wish away all the danger, whilst whitewashing all danger the same (safe v not safe), and becoming increasingly distressed by both.

Just to be clear? I very MUCH understand fear, and what that does to a person. Whether paralysis by analysis, or the lightning bolt of unthinking unreasonable terror; whether rhe legit fear of clear and present threats, or paranoia fueled anxiety spirals? Fear is a motherf*cker. But being afraid of anything “not safe”? Is like being afraid of the air. Something to learn to work around, manage, conquer… rather than wish there was no air, alternatively terrified & heartbroken with every breath. KWIM?

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @donnaisatartt. I understand your post and do get it! But I want to mention something and I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings in anyway.

Our world can be a hostile place, that's true but unless your living in a constant warzone, it's not all of the time. Right?! So because of our traumas and bad experiences we can think that were in danger all of the time. But that's not true. Our paranoia and stress levels tell us that but it's a cognitive distortion.

At some point we have to break through that mindset and say to yourself "actually I'm out of danger now" it's not happening to me right now.

What's happy and safe for you? What does that mean? What do you have to do or what do you need with you? Are you in therapy? Can you learn grounding techniques?

Does safety mean reading a book or doing a hobby?

Best wishes to you.