Relationship I Don't Know How To Handle This..

[Sayling]

I was recently shocked to read an email from the love of my life that said he had to break up with me because of his emotional turmoil related to his new PTSD diagnosis. I was horrified that he just broke it off over email, this did not make sense to me considering how much we loved each other.

He is an Afghanistan vet and I know he had seen and experienced some horrible things. He never seemed to be suffering from nightmares or high vigilance when we were together. He never mentioned to me that he was having a difficult time processing these memories. I feel like I may have not seemed like I would understand but I would have! I would do anything to help him.

He always said how happy I make him and now I just don't understand why he just completely cut me out. He was affectionate then all of a sudden after we had a romantic getaway a few days after he stopped talking to me and I had a feeling that something was wrong. I sent an email concerning my sadness that he seemed to lack interest in our relationship all of a sudden. He responded in an email that he couldn't reciprocate the same feelings! it was completely out of left field. He said he was experiencing the physical effects of PTSD and was in no shape to be in a relationship. It broke my heart that he didn't feel like he could tell me this in person.

I am so confused and heartbroken.

Is it possible that he still cares for me but he is going through something he can't manage and is not thinking straight, hence the breakup email. I feel like I want to help him still because I don't feel closure. It has been 10 days since I've seen him and I don't know if he's feeling depressed or not or if he's getting help or if he was using PTSD to breakup with me because he just stopped loving me.

I don't know what to do please help!

 

[Elphaba]

I am sorry to hear about this. PTSD is a tricky disease. It is not abnormal to push people away if you have this diagnose. For my sake, it makes me pull away from some of the people that I love the most. I don't want them to see me in a certain state. I don't want to say things that will worry them. And I don't want them to say well meaning things that in the end makes me feel like they don't understand even if they want to. I do these things to protect myself from being hurt and to protect them at the same time. At the same time I don't want to lose them, but this is a difficult thing to communicate.

The forum has some information around this if you look around a little.
I think the best thing you can do, is to let him know you are there and let him get in touch when he is ready.

Wish you both strength.

E

 

[Sayling]

Thank you so much for replying. I have been on the internet non stop to try and get my head around this situation. The more I read about PTSD the more I am starting to understand why he pushed me away. I plan on sending him a letter to express how much I care and want to support him and that I have been doing research to better understand his diagnosis.

It pains me not knowing if he is getting help or not. He lives alone and his family is across the country. I am hoping that the military will require him get treatment after they were the one's diagnosed it. I too have decided to go to therapy while I am not hearing from him I feel like I need support to keep me on track so I don't let my sadness get worse.

Wish you the best,
Xelabela

 

[ISupportHer]

Sometimes I just don't know what to say.

I am not in your exact circumstance but yet there are those who are here or have passed through here in previous months who have experienced similar loss. On one hand you are not alone but I would venture to guess that you feel alone in this. I hope you gain insight from those who have walked these steps before you.

It is a very hard situation. You want to be supportive but yet, if you do too much, it can be perceived as attempting to be controlling if you try to contact too much.

I am not going to pretend to be able to advise you but yet wanted you to know I read your posts and know it's hard. My primary recommendation is to do what you are doing. Search for understanding. There are lots of previous threads that you can learn from using the search function.

Oh, one more thing. Sometimes when this is so fresh and people are first here, other members make recommendations that may be hard to hear when you are panicked. Panicked meaning a new loss and trying to make sense of it all. Anyway, sometimes there is frank suggestions that are hard to hear. I hope you will come to view everyone's help as just that, an attempt to help. We all "get it" here.

ISH

 

[Jawn]

Xelabela I can relate some what to your story. My wife has done something similar after being together 17+ yrs (16 yrs of marriage). In her case, the trauma is some sort of supressed memory and over the past couple of years the PTSD has consumed her. We got her diagnosis early in the summer and I thought we were making progress. She was laughing, smiling, and being affectionate. Then the next week she said she wanted a divorce. For the time being we have gone with a separation while she focuses on her therapy.

So while you are in a tough situation, it's not that unusual for someone with PTSD (in my opinion). I suspect he is confused and overwhelmed right now and trying to figure out how to deal with it. Even though you are trying to be supportive he probably sees it as pressuring him. For now, let him know you are there if he needs you, but you need to give him time & space. If you push or cling to him it will make things worse.

Read the articles about PTSD and Carers, then read some of the threads in the Carers section of the forum. It will help you understand what "it" is and how you can try to deal with your situtation.

Hang in there,

Jawn
P.S. Another possibility is he is trying to protect you from the effects the PTSD would have on you.

 

[Sayling]

Thank you for sharing Jawn. I am starting to grasp all of this with a more mindful attitude rather than emotional. I will let him know that I will be here for support, and a friend who will listen whenever he's ready. And I am prepared and willing to to understand whatever he may be going through. And I guess will also have to be prepared if he will not except my love.

He is a very protecting man and he knows my personality (extremely caring and giving) and I probably would have gotten real emotional if I witnessed him having a breakdown or something. He would be embarrassed to show this side of him I feel. He's admitted to me that he can't stand his weakness. I feel that he is now just starting to deal with the symptoms.

I hope I'm not losing him for good though. My friends tell me that he's an asshole and I should forget about him and move on. I guess time will tell. I personally am still going be here for him and give him time and if he wants to let me in I will be right there.

Thanks again,
xelabela

 

[Spring]

Sayling,
Hello. Thank you for your words to me today. You were a blessin'.

 

[celia]

Hi Xelabela,
Theres a pattern here that I recognize and have experienced and one that while experiencing...in the back of my mind I heard my inner voice say...Watch out..."there's a fall coming".

Here's what I mean: During very romantic moments, trips, intimacy, dates, affection, expressions of devotion and love coming from them...making plans for the future and telling me everything a woman would want to hear...within days or one day...the negativity enters, the distance, the anger, taking back everything they said and placing blame that we are the ones causing the negativity.

When I reminded him or asked why he said all of those loving things and then turns around and hates me the next....( NOT NORMAL)...he says I caused it. I would retrace my steps and see what I said , did , or caused and there's really nothing. Im not sure if there's a chemical imbalance in their brain that gets triggered from extreme positive and happiness, to extreme anger and hatred , and sadness.

I never could understand how he could watch me in anguish, pain, crying, heartbroken and be in complete apathy. Not a care of how I feel. When I was physically with him during this, the look in his face was of ice cold eyes.

When I would try to reach out to him a few days later he would tell me to go away and that I don't respect him and that I disgust him.

The overwhelming shock that you are really hearing this from the love of your life is unbearable. The apologies are few and far between. Even when they come back around, they never really realize the pain they caused.

I cannot say I was perfect because I used to react and sometimes react in anger and ask them who the hell he thinks he is?

I've lost him at this time and I'm really scared and alone.

Just adding to this thread with my experience as it is mind boggling, I already have a hard time letting my guard down and then when I did....he hurt me.

Peace to you! - Celia