I don't know what I'm doing but I need to put this down somewhere

[goosegoose]

@goosegoose, I hope you are doing ok.

You're so kind, thank you I'm not really sure how I've been tbh, but "okay" in general. It's like I feel so restless but also so tired but I can't sleep lately. My friends are still outside of my support system but I'm just trying to focus on what's important. I've noticed that I'm making a tiny bit of progress with my internal dialogue being nicer to myself, so that's been kind of nice. Weird tho.

I hope you're doing okay too

 

[goosegoose]

I keep thinking about a dream I had this morning where I got to hug and hold onto my child brother. He saw me and ran over to me and clung so tightly and our dad was standing over us the entire time asking me question after question, so imposing and oppressive. I've been no contact with everyone in my family for almost 2 years, I really f*cking miss my brother

I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, I just had to ghost. I hope he doesn't feel the same emptiness that I do on days like these

 

[goosegoose]

I hit myself again tonight but at least it was with a stuffed animal and not my fist(?)

 

[Tinyflame]

with a stuffed animal

That is great improvement. Brilliant idea @goosegoose .

Can you write your brother?

 

[goosegoose]

That is great improvement. Brilliant idea @goosegoose .

Can you write your brother?

Thank you, that means a lot. I'm really trying.

Also no, writing to my brother would be out of the question. I'm so determined about not putting him in the middle of all the adults he still lives with. I wouldn't want to put him in a position to either defend me and get picked on, or join the club and talk badly about me for survival. He could also think badly of me anyways for leaving so suddenly, I wouldn't blame him. There's also the issue of privacy and keeping my address a secret.