Relationship I Don't Know What To Do.

[Tinyflame]

Please consider what Eleanor says.
It is also possible that one can be abusive and not have ptsd, and one can have ptsd (and have meltdowns) but not be abusive.
The fact that you know (and fear) the consequences if he read what you wrote speaks volumes.
Best wishes to you.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Sarah Lee, I am no specialist and what I am saying is based on my own personal experiences and what I learned about myself as I got better, so please take it as nothing more than my opinion.

I have read and re read your posts and I am hearing your pain in every word you type, I wish there was a magic wand that could take it all away.

I feel that this situation is very little to do with the man and a very great deal to do with you and your past emotional trauma and there are two things that spring to mind:

Some times it is easier for us as sufferers to find distant and hurtful men who reconfirm our lowly status and keep us on the adrenalin buzz that we have become used to. The need to feel. This is part of being ill.

In denial about our own illness, we focus on others (I can heal him/her with my love bull sh*t) rather than healing ourselves. We redefine love as a painful or fearful place because of the pain and fear we have experienced in the past and gravitate to those who will hurt us - situation normal. This is part of being ill.

All I can hope is that you get some suport, for some family and friends can be good however, to get the job done you need to find a therapist or counselor.

I repeat, I believe from what you write that this is about you and your trauma - not him. He is just an unpleasant symptom.

 

[Tinyflame]

When I look back at abusive (emotionally or otherwise) relationships I was trying to re-write the ending (impossible to do). One part of me felt if I was 'good enough' (or 'acceptable'- whatever, not the word I need) in their eyes I could be in anyone's (or vice versa, if I wasn't I would never be, perhaps closer to that truth).
And part of it is just being forgiving, the mind games, blaming myself, after all- "I have ptsd, therefore I must have been to blame".

 

[Wordgirl]

Sarah, the fact is there are abusers with ptsd, and abusers without ptsd. Both, however, are abusers.

It makes me angry that you are willing to continue to pursue a relationship with this person, to your detriment. I want to show you my past, and all the people I couldn't change or save, some of whom are doing quite well at this point - without my help. I just didn't matter to them, but each of them broke my heart in one way or another.

As a survivor, it takes me a long time to form any trust in new people. My husband, who is not a sufferer, and I were friends for two years before we started dating, and we were engaged for a year before getting married. My first marriage, however, occurred 9 weeks after the first date - and he nearly killed me over a 13 year period. My rationale for not leaving sooner? I didn't want to hurt him.

This will sound very hard-hearted, but unless this guy is actively engaged in treatment, he is a waste of your time and emotion. There is someone very nice out there, just waiting for a wonderful person like you. I wish you well.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, trust, especially complete trust, can be badly misplaced.

 

[ProudWife99]

and partly because he knows that if he tells me I am wrong enough times I will start to believe it.

My ex boyfriend told me I deserved to be "punished" so many times that I began to believe that every time he hit me, I really did deserve it. His fists did some damage to my body, but it was his psychological abuse that has lasting effects on who I am as a person.

I did not deserve a damn thing he did to me. I could have insulted his mother and not once did I deserve the "punishment" he delivered.

I find myself hugely triggered by your posts, so I'm not going to write much anymore. It feels like you're making excuses for him to avoid the pain it would cause YOU to end your relationship. This makes me sad for both you and him.

I do hope you find comfort and peace. You so deserve the happiness. I hope you find a point where you believe that. I also hope your boyfriend finds help and someone to give him a reality check for his own sake.

Take care.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry SLee, I'm not abandoning you or your feelings, like PW99 I too am too triggered to read this stuff. I have a hard enough time trusting who's trustworthy than revisiting painful memories.

I so hope you will be able to afford yourself the care (and love) you deserve.
It's my experience the combination of both (this situation and your own ptsd) will destroy you. At the very least it will set you back beyond belief.

(((((Hugs))))) to you.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Sarah Lee,

I am still around to listen and discuss stuff. My 3rd round of therapy is still strong in my mind and I can remember my own experiences with less anguish than might have been the case in the past.

It was my husband's acquisition of PTSD 6 years into our marriage that precipitated my own return to the therapist's chair. So yes, 2 people with PTSD can hold down a healthy relationship but, in my opinion, only if they are both committed to active healing.

 

[Tifanee]

Sarah Lee... I am here as well. I am a supporter so my opinion comes from a place of being able to see the symptomatic abuse from the outside and separating that abuse from how I see myself. My love can feel ugly and mean all he wants, but he will not direct it at me and get away with it. By allowing him to get away with it, like the ladies said above, I am saying the abuse is okay. It is not okay though.

I support any of the ladies above making the choice to choose their recovery if being triggered.:tup: This is all they are asking of you to do, choose your recovery not his.

The words you are typing is painful for even I to read. I so desperatly want to reach out and give you a hug and tell you that you are worth your own personal fight. Know that they come from a place of experience as a supporter and as a sufferer. They have been where you are now. Please take the time to focus on your own therapy before you try to tackle getting him in therapy.

The love you are describing is not real love but dependency...his attentions are defining how you approach your life and how you see yourself. No one has that power unless you give it to them. Take back control and the power, and live the life you want to live. You will find a man who will appreciate and love you, without fear, dependency, abuse, or disrespect.:tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry SarahLee too, I know you're trying to make sense of it, and you can't do that without talking about it or feedback.
Hugs to you.

 

[Sarah Lee]

Well it is over, I should be relieved but I am devestated. We spoke today and I said I needed clarification on whether we were working towards getting back together or not and I told him that I felt hurt that after a lovely weekend where we spoke about getting back together that I not only didn't hear from him but when I asked him a question, via text (that was a valid question) he ignored me. He admitted that he had been avoiding speaking to me, he says it is because he knew we would have a conversation like the one we were having (weighted, with me crying, him being hurt etc) but I don't think that is true, I think he was avoiding me because that is what he does, he pushes people away once he has pulled them in. If he was worried about having this sort of conversation then leaving me hanging, wondering why he wasn't talking to me, and worrying that he was angry at me after I flew down and spent a weekend in bed with him, was probably not the best way to go about it. I would have thought that it would be pretty obvious that 'not calling' after a weekend like that could be intepreted to mean he regretted the weekend or wasn't really into me and so could lead to an argument. But I'm not meant to have feelings, expecially not ones that can be hurt. Because I 'caused' all this drama within a week of us spending time together he doesn't want any more contact with me.

Now for seeing if it stays over, I feel like this is it and that he isn't going to try and contact me but I have been here before and have been wrong. But at least now I know he doesn't really want to get back together and my main reason for continuing to let him back into my life was the hope that we could make things work.

 

[Sarah Lee]

I feel so hurt, and used and stupid for flying down there at the drop of a hat, getting a credit card bill I will struggle to pay off and believing that this time things might actually be different.