Okay, that's good...maybe the universe is challenging you but also telling you to WAIT until you and your therapist have time to talk more? Maybe you also go back to more original trauma stuff if it's there and work it out with your therapist? You mentioned being triggered with your ex (other post, thanks for clarifying that). I'm not saying it wasn't rape. I had an asshole boyfriend that became possessed once he put it in. The fuzzy part for me was that I didn't say STOP but dissociated (he wouldn't have noticed if I stopped breathing). I also had a couple murky situations where I flirted with people who reminded me of past abusers (likely to gain some mastery/power and slip away from them but it didn't work in one case) or where I clearly said NO SEX on the first date and then it happened and I didn't know HOW to say stop (boundaries get all f*cked up because of my earlier abuse where "no" or "stop" was not an option). I also said NO to one guy and fought to keep ahold of my pants and get away...but when I realized he had me trapped I feel like I gave in because I honestly couldn't fight him (super drunk and maybe 80 pounds smaller), so in my head I decided I wanted it (ODed and tried to kill myself the following week). Messes like that all over my sex life.
It's clear you've said no, and none of this is victim-blaming....I'm trying to say (sorry if not very well) that I think some of us have a load of stuff worth processing with a therapist, especially when repeat victims.
So I have been assaulted. But even in some of those cases, since a couple would have been hard to report or have involved muddy and difficult closure, the take-away lesson for my life has been the boundary issues I've had from original traumas...and learning now how to respect myself and have boundaries...that is how I've found closure....seeing links to original traumas and working on those. Now I don't go to a guy's house on the first date. Or lay in bed with anyone I don't want to have sex with. Or, if I feel guilty about my boundaries I take it as a clue that I'm not with the right person. Things like that, but it's taken a lot of time and attention. Again, noting that laying in bed with someone or going over to their house (on any date) does NOT give them permission to have non-consensual sex with you. Just stuff I've found for creating better boundaries up-front...I'm probably more cautious than I need to be because of my past experiences, but that's how it is for me.
Again, none of this excuses rape or the trauma created in these murkier situations, because it's still real). But I can relate to the difficult feelings when it does not feel like a black and white call, or when we become repeat victims of real trauma...and have really found better closure in working on the original traumas. In the little I know of your story, I understand triggers and also wonder about how you are working at going about communicating WAY UP FRONT with people you might sleep with (especially because of your past), knowing how to protect your boundaries way up front, and not having to go through all the hell you have afterwards...like knowing if they raped you or they didn't or what it all meant. I know that can be torture and put too much burden on us. Does your therapist know about the BDSM? I'm not personally judging it but it's extra complicated with abuse histories. Are you still into it, and if so what is your therapist's opinion on it for you?
Anyway, glad you have a therapist. I'd say block the guy and promise yourself a conversation with your therapist about this. I relate to wanting resolution NOW, but this sounds more complex and deserves more qualified attention. You can always unblock the guy later. But talk to your therapist about this.
It's clear you've said no, and none of this is victim-blaming....I'm trying to say (sorry if not very well) that I think some of us have a load of stuff worth processing with a therapist, especially when repeat victims.
So I have been assaulted. But even in some of those cases, since a couple would have been hard to report or have involved muddy and difficult closure, the take-away lesson for my life has been the boundary issues I've had from original traumas...and learning now how to respect myself and have boundaries...that is how I've found closure....seeing links to original traumas and working on those. Now I don't go to a guy's house on the first date. Or lay in bed with anyone I don't want to have sex with. Or, if I feel guilty about my boundaries I take it as a clue that I'm not with the right person. Things like that, but it's taken a lot of time and attention. Again, noting that laying in bed with someone or going over to their house (on any date) does NOT give them permission to have non-consensual sex with you. Just stuff I've found for creating better boundaries up-front...I'm probably more cautious than I need to be because of my past experiences, but that's how it is for me.
Again, none of this excuses rape or the trauma created in these murkier situations, because it's still real). But I can relate to the difficult feelings when it does not feel like a black and white call, or when we become repeat victims of real trauma...and have really found better closure in working on the original traumas. In the little I know of your story, I understand triggers and also wonder about how you are working at going about communicating WAY UP FRONT with people you might sleep with (especially because of your past), knowing how to protect your boundaries way up front, and not having to go through all the hell you have afterwards...like knowing if they raped you or they didn't or what it all meant. I know that can be torture and put too much burden on us. Does your therapist know about the BDSM? I'm not personally judging it but it's extra complicated with abuse histories. Are you still into it, and if so what is your therapist's opinion on it for you?
Anyway, glad you have a therapist. I'd say block the guy and promise yourself a conversation with your therapist about this. I relate to wanting resolution NOW, but this sounds more complex and deserves more qualified attention. You can always unblock the guy later. But talk to your therapist about this.
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