I Don't Know What To Do

[Shay4]

It sounds like a one sided relationship to me, that's not really fair to you. Have you discussed this...

Would he be lying about his girlfriend because he wants to be with me? Why would he want sex with me when he hates sex and intimacy? His girlfriend is also a veteran so they don't have sex. Why would he send me a Valentine's Day present? I'm so confused. Now he's not texting or calling since yesterday which isn't normal for him. He's very stubborn. I don't feel I need to talk to him about all this because I've vented to him twice about why he's being mean and why he lied etc. hes still denying being back with his girlfriend. I felt that he was stand offish bc he had guilt for being here in fear of his girlfriend finding out. She knows about our friendship but read his texts over a year ago and since doesn't like me and he lies to her about me bc she felt our texts were flirting.

 

[Sideways]

Guy who wants sex (normal) but is afraid of intimacy and so is screwing up his support network - sounds like ptsd.

It also sounds like this isn't your average 'equal give and take with mutual support' friendship. You're supporting a guy recovering from ptsd, and if you're cool with that, that's awesome.

But part of helping both of you is establishing, and committing to, healthy boundaries. So when the intimacy thing starts up, no need to get harsh, just remind him that you'd prefer to stay friends, that you'd really like to stay friends. Whether he can understand that in his mixed up world? Who knows. But if he can, having someone he knows he's perfectly safe with is a good thing. When he's screwing things up with his ex, he's still got you as a friend. From what you've written, he's not in a place where he can pull off a healthy relationship right now, so just friends is good:)

 

[Shay4]

Guy who wants sex (normal) but is afraid of intimacy and so is screwing up his support network -...

I agree! Thank you! He has a TBI and has PTSD. He's In therapy twice a week. He definitely struggles. I'm a LCSW so I did all I could to make things normalized for him. I'm just confused bc we talk daily everyday for the past 6 years and he has a lot of emotional problems but never with me. And your right Atlwast I make him feel safe :) thank u!

 

[EveHarrington]

I agree with @CaitMiller

This relationship seems very one sided to me. I think you're in danger of excusing his behavior due to PTSD. He may not be cheating (no commitment on either side) but he's not really being honest, either.

The guy looks to you for emotional support but gives nothing in return? Is this how you see a healthy relationship?

If you were THE ONE then he wouldn't be bouncing from you to her to you, would he? If he were all into you but PTSD was in the way, he'd be isolating from you and not "relationship bouncing".

I think you're a friend. Now with benefits. I think you very much want this to be more but you can't force these things.

You deserve an unattached man. (He is not.) You deserve a man who can support you, too. (He does not.)

I know you want to hear that he cares but it's PTSD getting in the way, but at the end of the day he's being deceptive and deception (lying/cheating/whatever) is always a choice.

I've read so many posts where people say PTSD doesn't make someone cheat. Follow that on down....cheating is deception and in your case there is no commitment hence no technical cheating but the animal is the same as he's being deceptive.

No, not PTSD. He's latched on to you for emotional support and is being deceptive in the process. IMHO.

 

[Shay4]

I agree with @CaitMiller

This relationship seems very one sided to me. I thin...

You're right!! Thank you!!!! So is it safe for me to reach out to him as normal as a friend or just let him reach out to me at this point.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Why don't you just ask him if he needs some space? Is he says yes, then you will have to decide whether you want to wait for him to come around...

It's he says no, then I would suggest that you make some ground rules and stick to them. Consistentcy is a good thing for PTSD sufferers.

 

[Shay4]

Update: my friend started talking to me again. He said it wasn't me it's the PTSD. So we're back Talking as friends again :) we normally talk about everything. Since we've had sex I'm afraid to ask him for advice about a guy who wants to take me out. Can I talk to him about this? Will it cause him not to trust me? He said sex hasn't changed our friendship. So I feel like I can talk to him normally but I don't want to mess anything up or push him away again. What do I do? You guys have been amazing I appreciate all your insight and time helping me through this! I feel so alone with all this.

 

[Sideways]

My thinking is this might be less of a ptsd issue and more of a male/female friendship quandry. His self-confidence may have taken a bit of a battering. Go with your gut, but if in doubt, maybe save the "I'm seeing someone else" till a little bit of time has elapsed and this new fella has turned out to be a good 'un.

Not knowing your friend it's hard to guess, but a lot of guys would have the wind knocked out of their sails hearing "I've already moved on"...which is more nature than ptsd!!

 

[Shay4]

My thinking is this might be less of a ptsd issue and more of a male/female friendship quandry....

Thank you! We agreed that sex wouldn't change our friendship so I assume he doesn't have future plans for us except friends. That's why I'm confused . Do you think he had more feelings for me then friends? My earlier posts explain what's occurred. I appreciate your advice!

 

[Casey_03]

Am I wrong in thinking that you are secretly hopeful he wanted more than friends? (Don't mean to be presumptuous, it's just hard to tell when reading something online ... but I am picking up a vibe that you maybe did want more ...?)

 

[Shay4]

Am I wrong in thinking that you are secretly hopeful he wanted more than friends? (Don't mean to be pre...

Hi! I thought he wanted more because he's had a crush on me since we were kids. But before he came to visit we said we never wanted to ruin our friendship. If he wanted more then of course I would try with him but I'm okay with being only friends. It's driving me crazy that he's not acting the same so I feel like I have to reassure him were only friends. I'm so confused and he's not one to talk about feelings he will just shut me out completely. When I said I wanted my best friend back he said that's what irritates him. So I feel like I can't win no matter what I try

 

[Sideways]

Who knows how their brains work!? Possibly he does want more thna friends, but I just don't see him being in the right space for a relationship right now. Maybe (possibly) one day, but not right now.