I Don't Understand "brave"

[Mafasu]

Misdirected anger... shooting the messenger. I agree with the poster who suggests that there is an alternative way to vi...

yeah...That poster did give me pause for thought. I guess its just something else I'm wrong with in the way my brain works. I wish I could get something right one day ...maybe it's not just my body the bastards f*cked with, they screwed my mind more than I realised too.

Thank you everyone.

 

[Ize]

So in an ideal world what would you want people to say instead? If people's sympathy on this forum isn't helpful -- what its? Not grilling you, I just find that defining what I want makes it easier to share with people who really do want to help, and it makes it easier for me to know what I'm looking for in a conversation.

 

[Mafasu]

So in an ideal world what would you want people to say instead? If people's sympathy on this forum isn't helpful -- what i...

This is a tricky one to answer and I've been trying to work out how to answer since I read your question. Not because I don't know what my answer is....but simply because my brain scrambles and no one seems to understand what I'm trying to say when I try to write things down. I seriously messed up explaining what I was really trying to ask when I started this thread and feel like I got chastised because of my inability to communicate clearly...it was totally my own fault though for having an emotional meltdown and getting upset whilst trying to write the first post.
I completely misrepresented myself....I am not an angry person generally. I am actually one of the most timid people around but something happened this week that severely got under my skin. I would never in real life allow myself to blow a fuse and get something off my chest, it normally just runs round in my head instead until I can shut it up internally. I was always taught to be seen and not heard and that is just how I am naturally now, I don't know how to be anything other than that when I'm around people. I mistakenly thought this was somewhere I could ask if anyone has the same kind of thought patterns and feelings as me....if to feel the way I do is normal. The reason this was anonymous is because I am ashamed of how I sometimes think and don't know if I am really the freak "they" constantly told me I am. I am so confused that I don't know what to think about anything anymore....what was my fault....what was "their" fault...even if I am wrong for thinking "they" were wrong for what they did to me.

In answer to your question @Ize :
I would like people to help me understand if they way I think, feel or behave is "normal"....or if anyone has experienced similar, or knows why I sometimes feel like I do. I want to know if I am to blame for any of this because right now I honestly don't know. I think I must be doing something wrong to make this stuff keep happenin, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
My T obviously thinks i did something to cause some of this stuff that was done to me by the questions she asks, but she says the answers have to come from me. I really have no idea don't know what I did to cause it....she asked what I would do differently if I was that child again at the start of the situation. When I answer that I don't think I would behave differently because there was no way to predict what was about to happen, there was no way that I can possibly have known and therefore couldn't have reacted differently........ she tells me that I have to think again.
I absolutely have no idea what she wants me to say....I don't know where I went wrong. If that was my fault.....is she going to tell me the worse stuff was my fault too?? I have only told her two of the smaller things and she seems to have blamed me for both...I don't feel I can tell her the seriously sick and twisted crap that happened to me. I have asked if I'm misunderstanding her question, and she says that I've understood her but am not giving the right answer.

Anyway, enough rambling on. I'm probably just making a tit of myself again and showing myself up.
Sorry to have dropped the ball with this whole thread.

 

[Ikuco]

I mistakenly thought this was somewhere I could ask if anyone has the same kind of thought patterns and feelings as me

You're not mistaken! Don't worry. I have found that I may not always get the answers I'm looking for posting on here but you are absolutely correct in thinking of this as a place where you can ask stuff like that. I think a lot of people have a hard time accepting sympathy or comfort -- or even basic friendship -- from people who don't actually know what it's like to struggle. I know I do.

 

[Tamez]

"In don't want people awkward on my behalf. But if they knew me they would know that I can't abide fake sympathy. I would rather they say nothing."

Understandable to not want people awkward on our behalf, but not something in our control.

I think I'd pick apart why the comment about "brave" is hardwired for you to be interpreted as "sympathy" and also "fake". The first is likely reflexive because of your first and third preferences (I don't want people/prefer awkward on my behalf... and I would rather/prefer they say nothing."

 

[Bowa]

Sounds like people are really over using it with you. It's nice to be told something like you're brave when you're doing something really brave but if people say it over and over for nothing I can see why it would become useless and even annoying. There's also a difference between being brave and being strong which seems to be missing here.

 

[Banef]

I would like people to help me understand if they way I think, feel or behave is "normal"....or if anyone has experienced similar, or knows why I sometimes feel like I do. I want to know if I am to blame for any of this because right now I honestly don't know. I think I must be doing something wrong to make this stuff keep happenin, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong

One of my favorite threads of all time Sympathy - It Is Creeping Back Here

 

[Pacev]

I think brave can be massively overused, but I also think it applies in lots of places where I struggle to hear it.

So people have said my struggle to understand myself and my trauma is brave, my T says I'm brave in the work I do in therapy, I don't leap into burning buildings but I am brave at work. I hated people saying it for a long time because I didn't choose to be abused and then there came a point where I had to deal with it, it felt like I had no choice so what was brave about that.

Now I can see bravery in me, it's not about whether it's hard, or how slowly you think X is going or whether you chose it or wanted it, looking ourselves in the eye and addressing our trauma past takes a lot of courage. Letting people see the real you when you think you draw abuse into yourself takes balls. It's ok that you don't want or like the label, but I think people will call you brave because they see some of how hard life can be for you and yet you live anyway.

 

[Sago]

totally.

I get told I'm strong. hmm. didn't have much choice in that. yep.

reminds me of a stupid thing on facebook - the most sensitive are the strongest...

oh god, give me a f*cking break!

 

[Oben]

My thoughts on what brave is, "being brave is not the absence of fear but doing something even though you are afraid." If this fits then you were brave, if it doesn't fit you can you can take what they said with a grain of salt.

 

[Mafasu]

Thanks everybody. I'm sorry for coming across as angry or aggressive, I really hadn't intended it to sound like that.

I appreciate all who have taken the time to try to help. It's encouraging that it isn't just me that has an issue with the usage of brave.
The conclusion I've come to for why I struggle with people using the 'brave' label is because I don't see the way I handle my difficult situations as anything unusual or anything that any other person wouldn't do/ have done in the exact same circumstance.
I also find compliments a hard thing to hear which I think is rooted in the same place. The only times I usually get compliments, especially when I was small , is/ was at a time when someone was tryng to get me to let my guard down around them. As soon as I started to relax around them and believe whatever they had said, that was the time that they started to hurt me and I was left feeling like it was my own fault because I had been foolish enough to think someone had actually just wanted to be nice to me.
Thanks for helping work out where that distaste for 'brave' comes from.

 

[Viton]

My T told mei was grace so I asked her why. She said becausethis has all been dumped in my lap and I'm choosing to deal with it. I agree it doesn't usually feel like a choice but I could just stuff it down and keep going. That would be dangerous. And I was thinking yesterday about all the people I know who don't ever seek out ways to better themselves. I am glad I'm not one of them. It might make life seem less painful but I am awed by the things I'm learning about myself and what I am really about. So choosing to face things and deal with them is brave.