Eagle3
MyPTSD Pro
Man, the past few years have been the biggest kick in the b*lls....
Employment has always been spotty, but I was fired TWICE from my therapeutic horse job! They hired me knowing I had physical and mental health issues, but when extreme situations happened and I couldn't deal with the care of 20 horses in apocalyptic weather conditions alone, they finally fired me for good. That job was so good for me in so many ways, and losing it has just......it felt like the final straw. All vestiges of any self-worth or capability, up in smoke. On top of that, having to deal with the truth of just how bad my physical condition really is. Now that I'm on SSDI and able to pursue the multiple physical diagnoses I've been neglecting, I just feel even worse. The medical answers I keep getting are "incurable, untreatable, and degenerative". That's a lot to deal with under 40 years old! So, not only do I have Autism and PTSD (with all kinds of anxiety and depression), I have degenerative, incurable conditions that leave me physically incapable of living my life.
I live with my parents and while they do help float me financially to a certain extent, they're just as physically and cognitively challenged as I am, in some ways even worse! They don't accept my transgender self, they barely acknowledge my physical and mental issues, and they sure as HELL don't acknowledge their OWN issues. Emotional support is sparse at best, and my family is still involved in the Christian cult I got out of, so living here is the biggest trigger I have. My brother has pretty much disowned me since I've come out, so I know when my parents pass, my next option will be the streets. Even the local LGBTQ resource and counseling center dropped me from care!
I don't like this. My life was not supposed to be this way. I'm adaptable, I can accept my situation, but knowing I will never be a functional part of society HURTS!! Losing my horses, losing my family, losing my hope for independence and an adult life.....what's the point anymore? Even my martial arts is realistically out of reach, although I still go to class and just watch and socialize. My existence is nothing but a study in futility and pain, and I HATE it!!! I can honestly say I've hit the point where I won't pursue medical care for a Major Medical Event (which is a distinct possibility at this point!). It scares me to think about my life ending, but I have several suicidal parts, and they're gaining strength. I'm just....tired and in pain, in every way.
And tomorrow I'll wake up and keep trying to move forward like I always do, even against my own Self screaming how futile the effort is....I'll keep TRYING.
Employment has always been spotty, but I was fired TWICE from my therapeutic horse job! They hired me knowing I had physical and mental health issues, but when extreme situations happened and I couldn't deal with the care of 20 horses in apocalyptic weather conditions alone, they finally fired me for good. That job was so good for me in so many ways, and losing it has just......it felt like the final straw. All vestiges of any self-worth or capability, up in smoke. On top of that, having to deal with the truth of just how bad my physical condition really is. Now that I'm on SSDI and able to pursue the multiple physical diagnoses I've been neglecting, I just feel even worse. The medical answers I keep getting are "incurable, untreatable, and degenerative". That's a lot to deal with under 40 years old! So, not only do I have Autism and PTSD (with all kinds of anxiety and depression), I have degenerative, incurable conditions that leave me physically incapable of living my life.
I live with my parents and while they do help float me financially to a certain extent, they're just as physically and cognitively challenged as I am, in some ways even worse! They don't accept my transgender self, they barely acknowledge my physical and mental issues, and they sure as HELL don't acknowledge their OWN issues. Emotional support is sparse at best, and my family is still involved in the Christian cult I got out of, so living here is the biggest trigger I have. My brother has pretty much disowned me since I've come out, so I know when my parents pass, my next option will be the streets. Even the local LGBTQ resource and counseling center dropped me from care!
I don't like this. My life was not supposed to be this way. I'm adaptable, I can accept my situation, but knowing I will never be a functional part of society HURTS!! Losing my horses, losing my family, losing my hope for independence and an adult life.....what's the point anymore? Even my martial arts is realistically out of reach, although I still go to class and just watch and socialize. My existence is nothing but a study in futility and pain, and I HATE it!!! I can honestly say I've hit the point where I won't pursue medical care for a Major Medical Event (which is a distinct possibility at this point!). It scares me to think about my life ending, but I have several suicidal parts, and they're gaining strength. I'm just....tired and in pain, in every way.
And tomorrow I'll wake up and keep trying to move forward like I always do, even against my own Self screaming how futile the effort is....I'll keep TRYING.
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