I Faced My Abuse And Wrote It All Down

[dragonflymom]

I have finally stopped being in denial to everyone about being abused for 7 years by my ex husband. My husband has known about it since he and I began dating 5 years ago, but I have finally told the rest of my family about the abuse. I have been trying to remember everything my ex did to me and writing it all down because memories of it seem to come and go.

I think I've remembered all or close to all of it now. It's hard to tell because some memories of him hitting me or especially dragging me by my hair all seem to run together and I think the hair pulling happened multiple times. But I've written down everything I can remember and it's come out to five pages now, and I'm feeling better just getting it out and reading through it and knowing that this did happen to me and I am not going insane like my ex said I was.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Dragonflymom,

That is great that you are getting it all out. Also a big step in letting other members of your family know what happened.

You should be proud of yourself, as this is a huge step towards recover.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie

 

[Srain]

What a great job you have done! It's so important to begin facing something like that and clearing it out.

I'm so sorry for horrible abuse you suffered, nobody should be treated physically or emotionally like that.

Rain

 

[dragonflymom]

Thanks Rain and intothelight!

I am finding myself remembering even more now. I used to think that what he did was not that bad, and that I was stupid for not reporting him to the police. Now I am remembering him chasing me and unplugging the phone til I promised not to call. And I used to think he only did a few things to me, and was basically kind and harmless and I just set him off or that the stress of my daughter's premature birth caused it since the physical abuse didn't start til after she was born. Now I see the whole pattern of the abuse escalating, starting with him throwing and breaking things not long after we got married, and that it is just how he is and it was not my fault.

The hardest thing is knowing that I was stronger than he is - I routinely dealt with 1000 lb horses at that time, rode two horses a day and mucked out stalls and he was a weak ineffectual video game playing guy. But I still froze every time and did not fight back.

I am starting to think that my recent severe weight gain may be related to the abuse, an "armour" of fat to protect me from being hurt and make me bigger than him and unattractive to him. Although I have remarried I still have contact with him because my daughter still wants to see him, and I used to go into near panic attacks every time he'd come to the house to pick her up or drop her off.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Thats wonderful you see that! Because it really is not your fault.

It takes time to see things clearly, but when you do its usually hard to swallow at first. But once you do, you find yourself steps ahead of where you used to be. :)

I wish you peace.

 

[Iam]

Thanks Rain and intothelight!

I am finding myself remembering even more now. I used to think that what he did was not that bad, and that I was stupid for not reporting him to the police. And I used to think he only did a few things to me, and was basically kind and harmless and I just set him off or that the stress of my daughter's premature birth caused it since the physical abuse didn't start til after she was born. Now I see the whole pattern of the abuse escalating, starting with him throwing and breaking things not long after we got married, and that it is just how he is and it was not my fault.

Denial seems to be pretty common in abuse cases so don't beat yourself up over it. My T pointed out several times that I discounted my abuse. It's hard to face what happened to us. That those we loved and should have been able to trust hurt us so badly.

I am amazed that you were able to write everything out so quickly, having just been dx'd. Wow, that is a great accomplishment. I am sure that it was hard for you to do, but it is somewhat freeing to do that isn't it? It will also keep the denial at bay.

Therapy will be hard too, but as you have already experienced it does help in the healing process and getting your mind straight. I know for me everything would get all jumbled up and it was hard to see clearly. Far to easy to think I was just over dramatizing the things that happened.

Way to go Dragonfly...keep up the good work!

 

[dragonflymom]

Thanks Ayesha - it is definitely helping to know it's not my fault and stop blaming myself.

Thanks Iam - Writing it down was really weird, I'd say cathartic more than freeing but when I was done (or close to done, I have a feeling that there is more that I've still repressed) it did feel like a huge release of tension. I think I cried all those tears that I wanted to lock myself in a room and cry when I was with the ex but I couldn't, and by the end I was typing it all out on autopilot without even thinking about it. I dunno if I'd call it quickly - this has been brewing for the 8 years since I separated from my ex, and just kind of stewing away at the back of my mind in bits and pieces that I'd half forgotten.

I totally agree with you about everything feeling all jumbled together for a long time, and I used to feel like I was being overly dramatic about it all too. *hugs* My mom has sort of implied that I'm still doing so which is annoying.

Thanks to both of you for the encouragement! :)

 

[blueangel371115]

I just wrote mine down too. It is a strange feeling. I feel better. I was afraid to write mine down as I didn't want to back there. Kudos!!

 

[Pickle]

Just wanted to say that I think it is brave of you not only to write it down but also to share here. I have found everyone here is very supportive but it is still hard to take that step. I am just beginning to work through my own story with myself and a counselor who could not be any kinder - but putting words to things is hard! I am glad you are feeling better and welcome.

 

[dragonflymom]

Thanks blueangel, I'm glad it helped you too. :) You're right it is a really strange feeling, stressful and hard to do and I could feel myself get close to having a panic attack when I wrote it out, but it feels much better having gotten it out. Kind of like how it feels when you really need to cry and then you finally do.

Thanks Picke :) Everyone here has been super supportive! I have been working hard on not hiding and not denying the abuse anymore, as I had repressed it for 8 years. Sharing it here is part of that for me. :) The hardest part for me was to actually start thinking about it all before I wrote it - then writing came easy, I almost went into a trance remembering it all and just typed and typed. Glad that you are getting help working with a counselor. :)

 

[dragonflymom]

Wow so I thought I had written it all down, and faced all of it, but more and more memories keep coming up now. I'm up to nine pages. I think I've remembered most of the really violent incidents at this point, but some of the less severe violent incidents and more memories of the emotional/verbal/crazymaking type abuse are coming back. And I am realizing just how thoroughly he manipulated and controlled me, and that none of it truly is my fault. And it is not my fault for not getting away sooner, but that I was manipulated into staying with him and utterly dominated.

 

[Grace11]

I have finally stopped being in denial to everyone about being abused for 7 years by my ex husband. My husband has known about it since he and I began dating 5 years ago, but I have finally told the rest of my family about the abuse. I have been trying to remember everything my ex did to me and writing it all down because memories of it seem to come and go.

I think I've remembered all or close to all of it now. It's hard to tell because some memories of him hitting me or especially dragging me by my hair all seem to run together and I think the hair pulling happened multiple times. But I've written down everything I can remember and it's come out to five pages now, and I'm feeling better just getting it out and reading through it and knowing that this did happen to me and I am not going insane like my ex said I was.

I started doing this about a year ago and spent a few nights immersed in it. I came out with several pages of horrible events and things said to me. At the time, I did it so I wouldn't forget and second guess my decision to leave. I am so grateful now that I did it. I have pulled it out several times when I feel like maybe we could have worked things out. Or maybe I was being over emotional. Reading it helps me put things back into place and feel confident in my choices. I tend to forget the actual details if I don't commit them to paper. It sounds like doing this will be helpful to you.