I Feel Depressed And Helpless

[SeekingAfrica]

I keep telling myself it's just a day, a week, a moment. Better times are coming. There is a nice day, may be a few. I'm almost doing okayish, almost feel like a normal human being. And then the pain washes over me again and I have a day like today.

When I'm in so much pain that I can't breathe, relax, sleep, do. All I am doing is existing until the feeling passes. Being out of bed is an accomplishment. Regular daily things are an accomplishment.

Every problem seems like a black hole. Like a dead end. Like every problem is leading to more problems. I'm trying to keep it together and be okay for so many people, I'm not sure what I really feel sometimes. My past is hunting me, the future feels bleak.

I keep telling myself I've gotten better before. I keep telling myself it's a process. I go to therapy, take medication. I try to reflect on things, improve things. But thinking of those issues makes me feel small, broken, disgusting. There is a reason I haven't resolved them for so many years. There is a reason sometimes I can't see how things will get better. I feel like I am the problem.

There is a part of me that knows I can get through this, but I feel I've dug myself so deep that I don't know how to get through it. I want to rewind at least 6 years back. I was pretty much just as messed up, but at least it hadn't yet affected my body physically. Now on a day like today I have no energy.

Doing one simple thing at a time is all I can do. I may as well have been up all night working or doing something fun-that's how wiped I feel.

How can I improve things with this little energy? How can I create meaningful friendships and keep my relationship healthy if I don't have energy to really connect?

No energy leads me to be really messy in a bad month, and that just makes me feel even more horrible. It makes me feel like a bad adult. Broken. I would never ever want to give up. I don't want to. But I am trying to many things and I am still so stuck. It makes me wonder if or how I'll get through...

 

[Bloomy]

I so much reckognize what you write here. I had and have to learn to accept that Ive been to strong for to long and now its getting back at me in the way Im totally so tired Im literally zombiefied at times.
Doesnt mean we are bad adults. Think it means that we have been so brave and so strong to hold on through real shit storms that happend to us in life.
I also felt stuck - hey I still feel stuck. But I see that through my effort and strive somethig might turn out to be good now. Finally. Something that can point to that Im not stuck. Trying to not condemn the future based on how my life is here and now. Trying to learn to accept to be present. Keep the hope no matter how small it is that it might be diferent if I keep troddin on. And also face the fears.

And when I do mess up now I also learned to clean up . Not like I did before. I messed up and thought I messed it up as in no return and it ment I was really broken.

I send you warm blessings and support - soon a new year - may the forces be with us :)

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I so much reckognize what you write here. I had and have to learn to accept that Ive been to strong for...

Thank you, I hope so.
Today is one of the days when I feel so stuck I don't know what to do with it, and it makes everything feel pointless. I might regrett not doing more tomorrow, but now I simply can't. Even doing manual stuff feels pointless. I keep trying to adjust to the present and so on, but in days like today I wonder- shouldn't I recognize that feeling like that is actually serious and adjust what I do to that? Realize that unless I get healthy no amount of doing what I have to matters. That no New Year celebrations and obligations matter as much as getting better.
That may be I need to really rethink what I'm doing right now. Because in days like today I don't even know how to breathe, I am in that much pain. I need something to change.

 

[Bloomy]

What you say gives meaning. Do Im not you in your tiredness. I traied with myself on zombiedays like today. Right here right now Im immensly tired. I shouldnt even write this. Want to lie down and cried so tired I am. Instead I will choose to muster my last strenght to tidy up and clean a bit at home. Its sought after since I didnt manage the past days of tiredness. So I wonder if its possible for you to trade withyour self too?
Earlier today I also went to a beautiful coastal area. I know to go there gives me some sense of peace I need for later. Took and easy walk along the shore. Personally Im afraid of falling into this zombie state and also to get back the actual fysical pain I had before so anythig but not lie down and stay down. Do maybe sometimes to lay down and have a rest also might be good?

 

[ladee]

One of the hardest things I have had to learn on this journey, is to just be with what I am feeling. That feelings aren't facts and that change happens.
I have been where you are many times
Will be there again. We have PTSD. It has it's own agenda sometimes and no matter what we do, or don't do, it Just drags us to the place you are in.
It sucks and there is not one thing right or fair about it.
I journal a lot when I am in this space. Doesn't change much but helps to get the negative noise out of my head.
It feels very defeating and makes us feel like what is the point to all this.
But something changes. It always does.
You are ok whether it Feels that way or not. It will pass whether you believe it or not.
Sending gentle hugs to a fellow traveler who just needs to hang on. Keep posting. Keep sharing.
You are ok right where you are. It just feels all kinds of wrong. But it will change.