I feel extremely hopeless

[BigBirdsSister]

I feel like there is too much to try and heal.Too much has happened, both trauma and plain old horrible experiences that have affected me. I can't even get myself into college (university) at the moment. I have made changes in therapy in my thinking and my life..but I just can't seem to heal all the affects of the traumas and more subtle things like family dynamics and the damage that has done.I feel sick all the time due to anxiety. The last tiime I went to college I was jumping out of my skin thinking anyone who came towards me suddenly was going to hurt me. I can't sleep, and that day was seeing spiders crawl across the floors where there was no real spiders. I am dry heaving every few hours due to anxiety. I am having anxiety attacks every day.I feel so depressed. Sorry for being so long winded. I feel like everything is far too complicated to even ever get through in therapy. Each topic alone takes two sessions at least and there is so many. I feel like dying is my only option but I am too cowardly to do it. I won't do it, I truelly promise but I feel like one more little thing, even just one more memory, or one more thing that makes life harder will push me over the edge into complete non fuctioning. I am already struggling to even leave the house or stay out of bed and even wash. I just feel sick.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is your therapist working with you on learning coping skills?

 

[Joan]

So sorry that you are struggling so at the moment. Glad that you are committing to not ending it all though. I totally get it...sometimes that seems the only "logical" solution. I hope that you can hang on and find some coping skills that help you get through the crap. Take sweet care of yourself.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Yes. The aren't really helping much at the moment.I am using all of them throughout the day. Sometimes I get a little relief but it ends up flooding again. I'm just deep in crisis. I'm sorry.

 

[Supervixn]

Nothing to apologize about. We understand and are here to help you.

It would help to keep a thought journal. To jot down the thoughts you're having throughout the day. You'll notice patterns. It's important to keep your negative/anxious thoughts in check once you realizethe pattern, because thoughts influence feelings which influence behaviors. Start there. It doesnt have to be anything elaborate or fancy, but just the date, time, and the thoughts you're having (maybe jot down the provoking incident also, if you're aware of it).

It's okay, friend. You have room to grow. Things will improve, just got to find what works! Keep fighting and know that you're worth it.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

I have a journal and I love it. I use an array of coping methods. I know the patterns. I keep the behaviours in check so they don't bother or worry anyone. It's a good idea, thank you. I use it everyday. It helps usually but in the last couple weeks ever since a crisis line told me my trauma was my own fault I just can't shake the pain. I am trying very hard and I have kept myself safe. Coping methods help me be safe but the pain is just eating me. Thanks for your support @Supervixn

 

[BigBirdsSister]

I think I need to go to my doctor

 

[Supervixn]

but in the last couple weeks ever since a crisis line told me my trauma was my own fault I just can't shake the pain

I've had similar experience with a suicide hotline. Remember: they are NO experts; just like anywhere else, you'll get an inexperienced fool every now and then. I haven't since called a suicide hotline and it's been 3 years... just because of the ignorance. I understand. I'm so sorry.

 

[Supervixn]

I think I need to go to my doctor

Sounds good! When can you get in do you think?

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Wednesday I think. I want my therapist to help me with a letter to explain the situation. I'm not able on my own because I get too terrified of not being believed so I downplay.

I'm sorry you had such an awful experience with the hotline, they can have such awful people at times. I am never using it again for sure.

 

[Supervixn]

The fear of not being believed has been such a handicap to me as well... please fight it and fight for truth. You know your life and experiences better than anyone. It doesn't matter what people think. All that matters is the truth.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Thanks @Supervixn your words have been soothing tonight x The truth matters a great deal to me.I am lucky too to have a therapist who always believes me