Undiagnosed I Feel I Might Have Been Sexually Abused As A Child... Help, Please

[Barconian]

Optimism is far better than pessimism, wouldn't you agree? :D

 

[Nonexistent]

There's no question about it. Lucky Australians.


***
I kind of forgot to mention I have hyperprolactinaemia, a condition with abnormally elevated levels of prolactin, and sex hormones are switched off. I have a feeling it might be an indirect consequence of my trauma. It is directly related to levels of dopamine somewhere in the brain, as I've read.
That, also greatly has contributed to the "fun" part of my life... I wish I had been spared some of the inadequacy feelings I have, I never got the chance to be a teenager...

 

[Echo]

@BrokenGlass - I feel too that I have missed out on so much. I don't know what people would say to a 53-year old woman playing like a child, but I think I need to do it to catch up. Then there's all the other stuff that's been damaged. Who knows how to make it good? I guess we just have to try every day to make it the best day we can with what we've got.

 

[Hope4Now]

I don't know what people would say to a 53-year old woman playing like a child, but I think I need to do it to catch up

I think lots of us feel this way. I know I do. A big part of me is still basically a little kid. I went to a conference on self-compassion a few weeks ago with a guy named Robert Gonzales (he was pretty interesting). The gist is that we need to look underneath our emotions to see what our hearts are longing for. It is a pretty powerful process for getting to know yourself. Anyway, one of my longings is to have fun (and I'm 50). I don't always enjoy what other adults think of as fun though (dinner parties, cocktail parties, competitive sports, etc.). I like little kid fun. Swinging on swings, playing in the ocean waves, building sand castles and faerie houses, etc. My kids are old enough to get embarrassed by me doing these things (in the deep throes of adolescence), but I still need to do these things. A while ago when I was feeling pretty down, I went to a park that is pretty deserted during the weekdays. I swung on a swing as high as I could go and leaned back to look at the sky and trees upside down. Then I sang one of my favorite songs at the top of my lungs. Nobody around, no embarrassment. It was a very healing 30 minutes. I think this is what they mean by getting in touch with your inner child.
How do you long to play?

 

[Barconian]

I don't know what people would say to a 53-year old woman playing like a child

I don't think it matters what age you are. If you can play like a child, then do so!!! The children would enjoy it :) The adults who try to tell you otherwise... F**K them :D

I was playing with some kids one evening at a motor bike, social event, the kids were having a ball, stealing my phone and keys from me and running around the complex with me on their tale... They were giggling as they ran. One of the parents, didn't like his son of about 6 or 7 playing, even though the surroundings were safe, all the kids were under 10 and all the other parents enjoyed watching their children having fun, except for Mr stick in the mud who made his son miss out because of his own negativities and fears. I felt bad for that little boy :(

I kind of forgot to mention I have hyperprolactinaemia

If you have ADHD, the dopamine levels are effected anyway. You wouldn't know if your milk supply would be affected yet unless you are virgin Mary. So what else is in Hyperpro, what ever that word is that affects you?

 

[joeygn72]

This is my experience ONLY and not advice. I'm a few sessions into EMDR therapy (still in the stabilization phase) and my therapist advised me to read "Getting past your past" by Francine Shapiro who is the brilliant woman who developed EMDR. I did and began reading it. I know I have 30 something years of "hidden" and unprocessed memories that started to resurface once I began reading. They began surfacing a long time ago but I pushed through them and kept going on with life. When I began reading some started coming up and I've since had to put the book down because I have no clue what to do with the memories when they arise. My take on self help stuff is be careful. They sound like a great idea at the time they are suggested but it's a lot like going to a bookstore and buying a book on anatomy going home and attempting to perform a procedure yourself.

 

[Nonexistent]

@joeygn72 yes, you're right. At first I really was confused at times and didn't know what I'm supposed to do with my emotions. Luckily now I know more, and it's good. Just sometimes it gets a little scary when a dark memory pops-up.

Funny you guys talking about feeling like a little kid and wanting to play. I thought I was alone in this. It's good to know I'm not.:)

So what else is in Hyperpro, what ever that word is that affects you?

Like I said, it's a condition where the sex hormones are turned off by a command (via lack of hormone FSH) from hypophysis. There's a lot that I miss because of this in physical terms - physical maturity of my body and social integrity because everyone treats you like you're 17 when you're 27. And young people are not respected that much in our country (post-Soviet legacy), you have to have status here to get people to smile at you and not be rude to you, most places you go. It hurts, because many people (including my mother) deliberately put emphasis on addressing me in a diminutive way, thus putting some salt on the wound. Some get pleasure from putting others down just to feel better about themselves.

 

[joeygn72]

@BrokenGlass

It's ok to be a kid, you're an adult you my friend can do whatever you want!!! I have to nurture the kid in me that was not allowed to be a kid when he was suppose to be a kid.

Thankfully I have a woman in my life that likes to goto the new Lego movie, go play mini golf and all the other stuff the childish part of me likes to do.
One of the most important things I've done in my life is allow myself to be a child!!

 

[joeygn72]

Also I'm not at the point that I know what to do with negative memories and emotions.. More therapy to come!

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @BrokenGlass it sounds like you have much self-knowledge already. I think it's a big step and a lot of progress to be able to even identify what bothers you, or others' influence on you. It can be taken for granted that it's 'natural' to be able to do that but it really isn't. That puts you leaps ahead already. :tup: And it's really brave to post.

I had some incomplete memories, I just waited as some parts filled in, or never did. I don't recommend trying to rush it, it seems we will know when we are ready.

I too fear doctors/ hospitals for somewhat different reasons than you. Sheer terror. But in retrospect it probably has harmed me more than helped me when all was said and done.

I think someone gave advice to start with one thing at a time. I find that is critical. I have to keep it simple and clear and step-wise, but that's just me.

If you are able to do something for yourself each day, important to you or that you enjoy, I find that helps. It feels like the start of stability or a mini-rebuilding. I wouldn't have any guilt about avoiding your mother right now if that's a trigger. That's ok. No matter what the history, it's not personal to her it's just identifying and doing what you need to get stronger and heal. I hope you find help and support here.

Welcome and peace to you. :)