I feel like a zombie

[Deleted member 38906]

Lately Ive been feeling like everything in life is pointless and I just don't have anything left in me to keep going. I fail to see the point. No matter what I do I can't seem to find enough zest and enthusiasm for life. I basically feel like a dead person or zombie going through the motions of life.

I need to talk about my suicidal feelings with my T but the words just won't come out. I've tried several times. I feel very disconnected from my suicidal feelings when I'm in his office. To the point that when I even think about bringing it up I start smiling ear to ear. He would never believe me if I smiled. Have you guys every talked about your suicidal feelings with a T or doctor and not been believed? If so how did you handle it?

 

[Skier Anonymous]

I can't say that I have personally, but in my journey through therapy I found that the real reasons you are there may not surface during the first few visits. If you discussed it and he didn't believe you, then keep bringing it back up with your T. Doing that will help demonstrate to him that those thoughts are on your mind and that they need to be addressed. Best of luck!

 

[Sideways]

I’ve had to have this discussion countless times with different Ts over the years. It’s never easy. And yeah, sometimes the stress (and pointlessness) comes put as a smile. Which is frustrating.

I don’t think it’s ever been a case of them not believing me, but there have been plenty of times when I simply haven’t been effective at communicating how serious it was (important difference).

If you know that you struggle to get the words out in the right way? Use that knowledge to your benefit, and try a different form of communication. Handing over that post you’ve just written? Maybe try that; because you’re quite clear in that post about exactly what the symptoms are that are causing the problem.

Different Ts will respond differently, and sometimes it helpa to have a conversation about the way they’re going to respond when you talk about suicide. Some of my Ts? Would put me straight into hospital. Others would simply try and wrangle a promise to come to the next session and otherwise not seem to act at all (which can be very off-putting, even when that’s the response that you want!).

When we raise suicide, if a T knows us well, then they aren’t going to panic. Sometimes them being eerily calm about it? Comes off as us not being believed. But that is not always the case. Sometimes they’re being calm because if they start to panic; we start to panic. By staying calm and seemingly relaxed, they’re keeping the communication channels open, like: you can talk to me about whatever you need to, even suicide, and I won’t freak out on you.

If you would feel reassured to know that they believe you, you can always ask. You can always (always) put it to your T: “Hey, do you think I’m making this up”, “Do you think I’m a malingerer”, etc. More helpfully perhaps? “Have I effectively communicated how serious this is for me right now?”

 

[Cavegirl]

You are not alone. I wish I could offer you more than that. But it’s all I have. I truly understand feeling like a zombie. I feel like that too. I feel like a “pretend” human. I wish they could figure out what chemical in our brains is missing. Or whatever is wrong. It’s not will power. I know I try harder than ANY of my non mentally ill friends everyday just to be here.

Maybe write down on paper what you want you T to know. What you need them to do for you.

I wish you... luck.

 

[jade53]

You are not alone. I wish I could offer you more than that. But it’s all I have. I truly understand...

I completely agree with that idea of writing it down and really wish I thought of it when it wasn't as counter-productive as it became dealing with therapists.
The reason I think it's wise is partly because of that and most of them simply being good talkers, that really only hear what they want to make out of what you say, (while at the same time in many instances thinking themselves that the patient is talking off the cuff so to say).
Plus you then have the conversation somewhat documented which may improve professionalism. .

 

[ladee]

I really encourage the method of writing how you are feeling and simply handing it to him.
And have spent a lot of time on this journey going thru the motions.
Hope you make this very important connection with your T, it simply proves you are fighting for your life.
Sending healing energy your way.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

The idea of writing down my feelings and handing it to my T terrifies me becuase after he is done reading I will have to talk about it with him further anyway.

I keep thinking about the worst. I've told my family doc in the past to refer me to a psychiatrist bc I'm depressed but he just said you have a beautiful smile how cam you be depressed :| ever since then I've been really self conscious about my smile and what it means to people. I also told my previous T that I was feeling depressed and decided to walk along the edge of a bridge just to feel my life in my finger tips and to gain more of an appreciation for it bc I felt sooo numb and dead. Next time I saw her she referred to it as acting out :(

I know i shouldn't keep comparing my T to previous experiences but it's a hard thing to do.

 

[Sideways]

Next time I saw her she referred to it as acting out

For what it’s worth - I had a go at one of my Ts for telling me I was ‘acting out’ when I’d been self harming. I resented being talked about like I was some kind of petulant, attention-seeking child.

My T explained to me that in psychology terms, ‘acting out’ is an expression that directly relates to our emotional dysregulation, which is core to ptsd. It means that our emotions have become incredibly distressing to us, and the way we’re trying to cope with that is by, literally, acting them out. So, in my case, I was acting out the extreme self loathing by harming myself.

It’s a reflection not just of the intensity of the emotional state, but the way we’re trying to manage those emotions.

Not trying to defend your previous T. Just in case the expression ever gets used again. Because if the way we’re managing our depression is by acting it out, if the depression continues to get worse, the things we have to do to act it out will get more extreme. So it’s important, from our Ts perspective, that they can not just identify the emotions, but also if that’s how we’re trying to cope with them.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Thanks, I'll be less reactive next time a therapist uses the words acting out

I attempted to bring up my suicidal feelings in therapy today but it didn't go too well I don't think. I feel like I've been on an island all my life and now I have to connect with people I feel like I can't do it. It feels strange like I'm a fish out of water. I might have to really consider writing stuff out next time.

I think I still did some work becuase I explained to him that I have trouble feeling my feelings and talking about them in his presence. I felt like he got me becuase he said that's completely understandable when you've felt your feelings on your own your whole life it can feel difficult to connect with another person if you're not used to it and it's something you haven't had in your life.

For a child to feel her feelings she needs to have a parent who responds with love and joy.
And if they don't have that they won't be able to feel their feelings.and slowly be unable to feel and a connect with others.
It's small trauma in increments. Like a Chinese water torture..

Everything he said makes me feel so understood because it's exactly how I feel. But it also makes me feel really sad and hopeless for myself. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get better.
He suggested that we hold onto a rope and pull it and practice being in connection with each other through a rope. I couldn't do it. It seemed so terrifying to me. Especially cause he's a male it feels double scary. I feel like such a failure that I wasn't able to do the exercise and so sad for myself that I just want to sedate myself or cut.

 

[jade53]

The idea of writing down my feelings and handing it to my T terrifies me becuase after he is done reading I...

I can't tell how much I sympathize. I still don't think my PTSD would have manifested if not for so much getting lost in translation among desk jockey doctors, T's and everyone else except maybe 2 people. As I try and explain to anyone there, (Canada), I moved to Thailand in hopes to get better living with people that have a good excuse for not understanding a thing I try and tell them.