I Feel Like I Am in the "Trauma Olympics" With My New Friend

candor

Confident
>Have you ever experienced this?
Yes I have but the shoe has been on the other foot. I totally identify with your description of your new friend. If you want to respond and react constructively, I suggest asking her if she wants to hear about how her behavior affects you. You can add that your intensions are coming from a good place and either way it's ok with you. The value IMHO of having friends like us is that your being triggered by us provides a wonderful opportunity for you to self reflect inwards. What are your unmet needs and desires? Sadly, most people make it about us, our weak boundaries, our messed up childhoods and our know it all attitude. Whatever way you choose to heal, make it about you and not about the external trigger. Once you clearly communicate your needs and expectations, you can together decide if there is a basis for any relationship imo. I am respectfully not sure what you want from this person. But she is the one that should be the holder of that information. And thanks for posting this, we "know it alls", only really learn anything when our views are challenged. We tend not to let on but we are grateful ?.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
It's just the continuation of my pattern with people

I understand completely. I have a mental list of red flags for friends since I tend to pick those with extreme baggage who are looking for someone to be therapist or work out their issues. I have baggage, I'm not down on people with baggage, it's just I can't help them in the way they seem to want. I can't carry anyone else who won't carry most of themselves, I am emotionally unable, so I am really careful of who I choose to be friends with. That's why I have no friends, lol.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
I understand completely. I have a mental list of red flags for friends since I tend to pick those with extreme baggage who are looking for someone to be therapist or work out their issues. I have baggage, I'm not down on people with baggage, it's just I can't help them in the way they seem to want. I can't carry anyone else who won't carry most of themselves, I am emotionally unable, so I am really careful of who I choose to be friends with. That's why I have no friends, lol.

This to me feels like maybe the hardest part of ‘recovery’. I am dealing with some stuff better than I ever thought I could ...but trust in others - (and indeed myself to contain under pressure) ...that’s not coming back so quickly.

@Nuance, one of the great things I learned early in therapy from an experience in my social circle is that we cannot help others till we are righted a bit more . It’s hugely about window of tolerance and containment . Your new friend might not be there yet - I know I am most of the time not in a pre PTSD place for very long periods of time at all. Holding space for others is not easy when it reminds me of my own feelings, rather than allowing me to be with theirs.

When someone cannot hold my stuff ( and my circle is REALLY small now) in a mutually non beneficial situation - unless it’s my T - i don’t confide in them. I have here , my self reading and T for that ( and I’m trying to limit my exposure of trauma talk in my marriage and my best friendship too- It’s not off limits - but I am actively working to improve containment and be more present with those people and in a weird way - also more present as my self.

I don’t know if any of that helps ?
 
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