I Feel Like I'm About To Break...

[Futuremrs]

I don't know what to do anymore. Every time I mention therapy my fiancé blows up at me. He's agreed to go then he says he isn't ready, but he always just wants to run away because talking is too hard. He takes everything out on me and is always getting angry and blaming me. I know I'm not perfect, but the reactions I get and the way he treats me (especially in public) are not ok. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I love him, but I'm not the girl he started dating. I'm losing myself and I'm finding I get angry and lose my temper so fast now and I never used to be like that. I wanted to go to a support group and he gets angry and says we can work it out because we love each other and we don't need outside help. I don't know how to get him to see that he is literally going to make me crazy. I'm so frustrated and sad I cry everyday. I'm going through a lot of other hard things too and I just don't think I'm going to be able to make it through this if something doesn't change. He says he isn't the problem and it's all the things I'm doing and I know that's not the case or fair. He's been divorced before and I almost blurted out why bother getting married because if something doesn't change we're just going to be divorced anyways? Someone else who has combat PTSD told him he needs to get help or our relationship won't last and he got mad when I'm mentioned that. I'm completely at a loss.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Reclaim your truth and dignity. He's not at all ready for treatment and he's dragging you under the waves. It's ludicrous to think he can work his issues out alone. He needs highly trained trauma specialist. It sounds like he's battering you and its escalating. Save yourself and get your own therapist to support you through this. PTSD is insidious. Be careful.

 

[hodge]

I agree with KwanYingirl. You need your own therapist. I have PTSD and I was so angry before I was diagnosed and took it all out on my poor husband. It was only when I got treatment that I was able to deal with the anger and I've been anger-free for years now. Not symptom-free, but at least anger-free.

 

[Futuremrs]

Yeah. He's been diagnosed. He gets mad at me when I say I want to go to counseling. Mainly he gets mad a lot and he says I keep pressing his buttons, but I know that's not the case. I really want to get him a PTSD dog because he has a huge soft spot for dogs...I have a dog and when he gets upset at home I hand him the dog and just tell him to hold him. He gets so much better, but my dog can't go everywhere so it only helps if we're at home. I know he's dragging me down and I know it's insidious. I want to help him work it out, but I don't know if he's ever going to be ready. I really feel like I should even be getting married because if I'm already having doubts it's probably a bad idea. I feel like his mom not his fiancé:(

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yes, I can understand why you feel the way you do. Umm, I have to tell you that even when you finally seek help for PTSD, the road is long with bumps along the way. There can be months of backsliding, depression, anxiety to name a few. If he gets a dog that would be awesome. I have a PTSD therapy dog. She can't go everywhere but she's with me at work. However, he needs to be well enough that he can take care of the dog and not abuse him in a fit of rage. What to do about your future together? That's a good question. He's damn lucky you've stuck by him this long, he should be bowing in gratitude every day!! It's obvious you're at wits end. Look for a trauma therapist if possible. Because you may have secondary trauma from his treatment of you. We need all the happy, fulfilled and lived women we can get in this world!!!

 

[Futuremrs]

I know it's a hard road, but I just want to be going in the right direction...if that makes sense? He already has depression and anxiety and insomnia so I feel like I can deal with those. He loves dogs...he has a huge soft spot for them. He's never hit me and I'm sure I can piss him off more than a dog would. I thought they could go everywhere? Well, I take care of the dog now so I would probably end up taking care of it. He thinks he's fine, but I pick up after him and watch everything and makes sure he makes appointments and makes it to those appointments. Yeah, I know. I feel guilty for even thinking about it because it's supposed to be in sickness and in health. He definitely doesn't even understand what I'm going through. He thinks he's the only one that's affected. I wanted to go to a support group at the va and he got upset. He finally agreed to go to counseling, but I don't think he's happy about it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

If the dog is a certified Service dog, they can go everywhere. My dog hasn't had the extensive training that a Service dog does.

 

[Pebbles5280]

I'm going thru the same thing with my combat Vet. He was hospitalized in late May and upon release, he visited his T once. She suggested EMDR and long term therapy. When I tried to talk with him about it, his response was simply "I have a plan and I'll do it when I'm ready". I realize he has to be comfortable with both the EMDR and therapy so I let it go. This past Sunday (nearly 6 weeks after our original conversation), out of the blue, he mentioned that he was going to call Dr. A. I didn't remember her name so I asked why. He said he was ready now and wants to start therapy and progress to EMDR. He did have a plan and needed to prepare himself in his own time.

Combat PTSD is a wicked beast and relationships are difficult even in the best of times. My only advice to you is to take care of yourself, educate yourself and be honest with yourself about what you can and can't handle. This board is a Godsend and can provide you with support and knowledge. If you have the opportunity to get counseling as well, please consider it. You won't regret it.

Best of luck to you both.

 

[Futuremrs]

How old is he if you don't mind me asking. Yeah, it's so hard! He doesn't like the idea of me going to support groups or anything. I don't think he realizes the toll it takes in other people (mostly me.) I'm around him almost all the time so that's hard too.

He hates therapists and hasn't been for his PTSD. I definitely feel like it's getting worse too. He recently got diagnosed at the VA and he always gets upset there. The 2 therapists he had an evaluation with didn't want me in the room and he almost lost it, he was the most angry he's been and said he was never going back. He did say he would go to a civilian therapist because otherwise I said I was going to a support group and for some reason he does not like that idea at all. I would be no good to him crazy and I feel like I need someone to turn to. He doesn't want me telling any of my friends about it because he says they'll judge him so I have no one except here.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Oy vay it sounds like you're in an abusive relationship. He doesn't want you in any environment that would be therapeutic for you. He's isolating and trying to get you to also. Plus the references to rage. I smell a rat. Please take care of yourself, you deserve to be in a mutually beneficial relationship, not one that is crazy making. I'm sorry but I've been trying to think of why he is so resistant to therapy for himself and/or you. Let him take his miserable path and you can walk towards the light. Please be safe.

 

[Futuremrs]

Thanks you. He said he will go to therapy with a civilian doctor he just doesn't want to at the va. He's had very bad experiences there and the only support group I know is there. That's why I think he doesn't want me to go there.

 

[stacymarie88]

Hello,
I feel exactly what you are going through. My ex/bf ( I don't even know what to call it ) is the same. He had the best personality.. Then it hit him 2 years ago, moved away to the keys to better his life, still called all the time, came back home needing me, and as the months go on he has no will to live, they sent him to inpatient for 10 days which was a terrible situation for him. The VA was terrible to him, now he doesn't want to go back. He was never angry at all, lately he's been having outbursts and always saying in the outbursts.., no one know what life is until you see all your friends die and you come close to death and then he gets angry and his eyes turn black like he's not even there.., then he snaps back out and feels bad. Long story short, I'm lost.. It's been a few years of going down hill. Nothing I say helps. He sees me crying and how sad I am and he just stares .. He has such a good soul but he always tells me he wants to go places and live in different places and I can't. I feel so bad and don't know what to do. I told him do what makes him happy but nothing does:( this is just a short version. I feel like I can't move forward and be happy bc he's not.