I feel like my issues are too complex to recover from

[Deleted member 39476]

That's the first, most hopeful thing I've read from you. You're right, it's possible. And the beginning and end of most of this stuff. I'm glad you can see that and also just see that you're stuck there without qualifying or judging. It's not permanent. Nothing is. You change, environments change, life changes, things come unstuck. And I don't mean girls wander in and jump start it all..no, sometimes the pain just gets so bad there's no other way than to break open.

I've got it before. I've came out of therapy a couple times having resolved some internal issues that are stopping me from loving myself, felt 5-10 times better immediately, but it takes a really long time and a lot of pain to solve the issues long term, that's what I'm working on.

For me it means many different things... I like me enough and care about me enough to set some boundaries and not let people use me or shame me. I care about me enough to eat a decent meal. I care about myself enough to start doing some things to help myself. You get the drift...to me that all amounts to loving ones self....very much a process not an event.

At the risk of sounding preachy,,,hope you can do it now while you are young...will save you much heartache, and what's a little work and effort now if it saves you from more trauma?

To me its a lot deeper than self esteem and treating yourself well. The way I love my brother is not the same as liking him. The things he does, the way he looks, its all irrelevant and there's nothing he can do to change the fact that I will always care about him on a deeper level. I've felt that for myself -briefly- and it is amazing, that's what I'm aiming for.

I hope so too, everyone, my therapist included, as pointed out how unusual it is for someone my age to be signing themselves up and trying to change, usually people only have the motivation to try to change in their middle ages after their lives have fallen apart from divorce, death, alcoholism, or any number of terrible things that can happen. You can still recover and live a decent life after things like that, but their lives will be worse off no question, I'm glad to have realized I needed help before I got myself into some serious trouble like that.

 

[LuckiLee]

I've been following along and just have a couple of questions for you. You have been diagnosed with CPTSD from " a really bad experience with the end of a relationship"? Do you have a history of additional trauma?

Everyone here has given you good advice. I hope you take some of it. Good luck!

 

[Ms Priss]

Well, I am done here too. I think you are very arrogant and insulting.

I was not talking about self-esteem; you treat everyone like they are an idiot.

We are all looking for something deeper...who knows maybe you will have a magic wand waved over you, and poof, problem solved.

 

[ninja]

Alright. Do you feel like an approach that is trauma focused is what will work? Or an approach that is maybe becoming-a-whole person focused? There are a few individuals out there who have taken a philosophical slant on psychology that may be of interest to you. Carl Jung is one though I’m not sure you’d find his thoughts solid enough. I do encourage you to give him a go, particularly where personality development is concerned (psychological types). Another guy is Kazmierez Dabrowski, his work is significantly more difficult to find online, but so good. He is very logical, and his theory is based on the premise that emotions have levels of development and are what motivate personality development. Through personality development comes dealing with trauma.

I do think at some point we have to face the horror, actually look the monster in the face and just feel whilst trying to believe we will be okay inside and outside no matter what. Deep breathing through each phase of this process can be helpful. I think it is really good that these issues are really just below the surface and ready to be felt and released. Clearly you and your T have done the good work to get to this point and perhaps your T and you can continue trailblazing your own way through.

I did notice that one of the few posts you liked in this thread was one where a person was empathetic to your situation and didn’t offer suggestions. Is compassion and understanding what you are needing here? That’s not a criticism. We all need this modeled for us at some point, it’s just different from what this thread seemed to ask for.

 

[mumstheword]

I've got it before. I've came out of therapy a couple times having resolved some internal issues that a...

I think you are really getting somewhere already. It's good that you've identified where you want to be in yourself and have reference points already, to reflect on.

I think if you focus on that sense of self-care that you are aiming for, before you know it, you'll be closer that you realize.

Tapping into the self-compassion may be a real challenge for you right now but if you can.just suspend the "monkey mind" judgey part, even momentarily, you might feel into your heart and feel the grief of what you need and it's absence. If you can sense that and start to honour your own grieving process and notice if you want to give yourself a hard time, just bring some awareness to the fact that that is an introduced part, fabricated by the lack of love that you've been subject to.

That it's not even a core part of your being, it's a distortion, a fear-based part of your ego that actually loves you too, because it's sole purpose is to try to keep you safe.
The more awareness you can bring to understanding how your inner being works and that it's well meaning in its distortion, it's not actually a monster, it's a frightened little boy who feels his life is in danger trying his best to keep you safe. If you can give him that acknowledgement maybe, just maybe, he'll feel safe enough to bare his grief and soul-shattering pain and you, the adult you, can entertain the thought that you can hold him and let him cry, scream, punch, shout some of his unbearable grief out.
Your self judgement is causing your inner little boy to feel so attacked he has no choice but to try to defend himself with a counter attack.
He didn't deserve any of it. He is actually a lovable, highly intelligent, awesome person who hasn't had a chance to thrive yet. He's highly worthy of love. He's dying and crying out for love, he needs your love and approval and understanding that, while he may not be doing a very good job of it (after all, nobody taught him so how can he be expected to?) all he's been trying to do is protect you, so maybe, just maybe, you can forgive him and acknowledge him for that and let him know you know he needs love and you're working on it.

 

[ms spock]

I hope so too, everyone, my therapist included, as pointed out how unusual it is for someone my age to be signing themselves up and trying to change, usually people only have the motivation to try to change in their middle ages after their lives have fallen apart from divorce, death, alcoholism, or any number of terrible things that can happen. You can still recover and live a decent life after things like that, but their lives will be worse off no question, I'm glad to have realized I needed help before I got myself into some serious trouble like that.

I was 15 when I got myself into therapy after running away from home to save all my family's lives. Many my own age that I knew at that time were also in therapy. I am glad that your therapist acknowledges that you are brave to be in therapy, you are, but you are not alone.

There are many, many young people in therapy. There are child psychiatrists and child psychologists that work exclusively with children and young adults.

Being in therapy at 21 is not unusual. I am not sure what the American or global figures would be but you be in the thousands, if not the millions of young adults in therapy.

 

[Sideways]

@Disco Dancing Queen - You got me there. I didn’t start therapy till my mid-20s. I guess I was one of those ones are ‘too arrogant to sign-up for change’ while they’re young...

Oh, no, wait - I was studying full time and working full time in my early 20s, because my parents booted me out of home when I was 16, and I could barely afford my rent, never mind therapy.

I’ll be over in my corner handing out silver spoons for those people who truly believe that life is supposed to be easy:whistling:

 

[mumstheword]

I was having my third kid, living on the road and had a slave-wage job in a band at 21. And yes, out of families way at 16 too. I white-knuckled it, and faked ok while being utterly codependent and anorexic. Chronically fawny and work-obsessed flighty. Therapy was not an option.

 

[Deleted member 39476]

I've been following along and just have a couple of questions for you. You have been diagnosed with CPTSD from " a really bad experience with the end of a relationship"? Do you have a history of additional trauma?

I have quite a few traumas but the most significant one by a long shot is I never had a bond with my mother and she left me when I was 4 years old, which is why having a relationship meant so much to me. The relationship itself wasn't even really bad it was basically just a rejection, but it felt horrendous.

Alright. Do you feel like an approach that is trauma focused is what will work? Or an approach that is maybe becoming-a-whole person focused?

At this point the line between those two strategies is completely blurred. It's not possible to process trauma effectively without first being a whole person and present, realistically there is also no way to become whole without processing some trauma, it feels very much like a catch 22 situation. Right now I have been working on become whole for the better part of the last year though, seems like that is the most sensible thing to do, although it has felt like slamming against a brick wall for 6 months.

That it's not even a core part of your being, it's a distortion, a fear-based part of your ego that actually loves you too, because it's sole purpose is to try to keep you safe.

It is very much a core part of my being, I think that's important to recognize when doing things the direct way. It is not only the most dominant part of my personality, it is by far the most powerful. It is very much a fear based part and its true that its not so much a "monster" but more of a protector trying to keep me safe indirectly. The thing is that control is vital to him, he has nothing else. If I acknowledge him as a hurt boy, he loses his fear factor, he loses his power, he loses his control, I feel all of that. Not only do I feel the immense amount of fear and pain that comes from losing all those things, but every time an event like that happens, he is more afraid, more aggressive, less trusting, harder to work with. It's getting to the point where if I ask "what do you want" the answer is usually just that he wants to die, because he is so starved of love and safety after so much time that he has almost completely given up hope that he'll ever feel better. The dialogue is very strange, he does not even understand that I am an adult, and feels completely isolated from me, the outside world, and all of my other parts, and cannot trust anyone. It's not easy to work with.

 

[joeylittle]

It's not possible to process trauma effectively without first being a whole person and present,

You really know a lot about trauma processing, for having done so little.

So, if you aren’t saying that you need another romantic relationship to fill the void...do you have a concept of what else might do it? Something that would turn everything around and make things become possible again?

 

[mumstheword]

I have quite a few traumas but the most significant one by a long shot is I never had a bond with my mo...

I do get that he is dying for love and is utterly grief stricken. He's probably angry underneath the self-contempt and bitter self-annihilation, angry that he never got his due, angry at the injustice of a world that didn't give him a chance, angry that he's so f*cked up and shouldn't be, if only life has been fairer to him. His rage is healthier than his despair and hopelessness and yet his despair and hopelessness are valid and need space to be.
You have a strong soul. Evident in your stubbornness, your resistance to orthodox "treatment" via pharmy drugs, your articulate self advocacy, self-awareness and kinda intelligent-guy arrogant persona.
Can you feel the reality of that?
That you want to have a life, more self -expression, to be seen, to be supported, to be yourself, you won't be bullied easily anymore, that much is evident and should be acknowledged by you, I think.

I hope you can appreciate that about yourself.
That you understand that your (kinda) humble admission of needing help is exceptional at your age. I don't believe it is as common to be in therapy in your age group as for older people, like you said. It's something to celebrate that I think would be of benefit to reflect on and appreciate.

You have a keen mind, but at the moment it is working against you in a big way.

You need a lot more information to appease your active and considerable intellect.

Your stubbornness can be one of your best and strongest qualities in your journey and quest to actualize your potential and progress in your recovery. Persistence pays off, yes it does! I will vouch for it.

I'm very stubborn and strong-willed in my own way. I've been mired in self-disgust, self-annihilation, torturous states and stuckness myself.
Lots of us do get it. Not negating how bad life is for you but yeah, suffering, rejection, self harm, avoidance, suicidal ideation, etc goes with this shitty territory.

You are very intelligent but not always smart, so really listening to older, insightful people with openness and humility is going to go a long way in helping you crack open this inner bastard who is ruining your life.

Relational intelligence is something that you can only benefit from developing at this stage.

 

[Deleted member 39476]

You really know a lot about trauma processing, for having done so little.

So, if you aren’t saying that you need another romantic relationship to fill the void...do you have a concept of what else might do it? Something that would turn everything around and make things become possible again?

It's totally possible to just source the love internally, develop an image of yourself as someone you can depend on for love and protection, rather than the usual mother/father image. I can't do it right now though because there's a million internal conflicts blocking that from happening.