Relationship I Feel Like The Worst Person In The World!

[tori0718]

I fell in love with a man with PTSD. He didn't tell me until a few months into the relationship. Loss of job and a knee injury triggered the PTSD big time. He tried to kill himself, didn't succeed, and is now getting treatment. He wants to get better and I want to be there for him, but this is too much. I feel hopeless. He can't feel a damn thing! It messes with my head and confuses me. I broke it off out of the blue. He has no idea why because he didn't ask. It was like he didn't even care. I feel like crap anyway though. I feel like the worst person in the world for abandoning him right now, but this is not healthy for me. I have my own demons and I have to come first right now. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

 

[Echo]

Hi @tori0718 - I'm finding it hard to find the right words here. Aside from the abandonment issue, which you will find is a big trigger for many of us sufferers here, I am wondering what you find "too much" specifically. Is it that he tried to kill himself or that he has PTSD at all?

I am also wondering why you have come here. What would you find useful from us?

I hope you find what you are looking for, and I hope your ex finds the help, treatment and support he needs.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi,
I think it's important to realize that we all have our breaking points, and if you can't handle it, then you simply cannot handle it. Being a supporter is not for everybody. My only thought is that if you cannot handle this, then please don't yo-yo him. If you are out, then it is best that you stay out. Don't try to go back later and be there for him in any capacity (friend, girlfriend, etc). If you go back later you send the message that you're only there for the good times and this can be very damaging to a sufferer (or anybody who struggles with anything, really). I am a sufferer myself and while being left is quite hurtful, it's even worse when someone is there for the good times and gone for the bad.

I am not trying to be harsh, as I know you feel bad enough as it is. I just don't want to see him get hurt (again) in all of this, either.

 

[user17231]

@tori0718, I don't blame you. Dealing with a sufferer is not easy, and it's not something you asked for.

As far as his response goes, that could be something we refer to as dissociation, where a part of our brain basically disconnects us from reality is some capacity as a defense mechanism. It's happened to me many times where people might expect you to be more upset. Recently a cousin passed away from cancer and when I told my girlfriend about it after getting off the phone with my aunt I was matter-of-fact and not very upset, just a minor feeling of "blah". I could tell she wanted to comfort me and was confused that I wasn't really upset:

"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. It just sucks."

It's just as confusing being on our side of that fence. Three days later, while driving to work it crossed my mind again and I cried for 20 minutes in the car, partly because she died, and partly because I'm so sick of not being able to have an emotional reaction to difficult things when it would help (i.e. when my girlfriend was there to comfort me).

I tell you all that so you know he's not "cold hearted", you definitely upset him and he definitely cares. He just may not be totally aware of it yet.

Best of luck to you and I hope he gets better, he's got a long road ahead..

If you're interested, you can read more about dissociation on Wikipedia by looking for an article called "Dissociative disorder". I would link it but anti-spam won't let me.

 

[Changing4Best]

When something is too much for you, it is probably too much for him too, but from the other side. Your reactions to his illness might in fact make him worse off, so you probably did the right thing. I agree with what someone said before me here, that you should not attempt to get back into a relationship with him later, once he has healed (which could be many years from now anyway). It is best for you both that you ended it so soon in the relationship, because dragging it out would have been devastating for the both of you.

May you be blessed in some future relationship and may he be blessed in the one he finds too. God be with you both, separately!

 

[scout86]

Phil4423, I just had something similar happen. I got a call on Wed, telling me one of my best friends and favorite people had lost HIS battle with PTSD and shot himself. I sent my T a brief email, telling him the facts (we had talked about this person or I probably wouldn't have done that.) He replied with acknowledgement and sympathy. My reply was "yeah". When I saw him the following day, he said, "I'll be no one ever called you a cry baby, did they?" Actually, they have, but not recently.

tori, I'll echo the "Either do it or don't do it, but don't yo yo" sentiment. That's hard on everyone. The only other thing I'll add is that I've had a couple people who were really important to me voluntarily drop out of my life without explanation. Down the road, THAT kind of messes with your head too. If I was him (and I'm NOT) I'd appreciate an email kind of like what you just posted here, just to tie up the loose ends. Again, maybe that's mostly just me. I passionately hate loose ends.

 

[Changing4Best]

The only other thing I'll add is that I've had a couple people who were really important to me voluntarily drop out of my life without explanation. Down the road, THAT kind of messes with your head too. If I was him (and I'm NOT) I'd appreciate an email kind of like what you just posted here, just to tie up the loose ends. Again, maybe that's mostly just me. I passionately hate loose ends.

This could drag it out and just make it worse, as he might reply, then she counter, etc. Worst of all it could bring them back together again, when hat probably wouldn't be for the best.

 

[scout86]

Maybe. Not knowing the people, I really don't know. All I'm saying is, I'd have had a much easier time accepting "Get out of my life." if I'd known what I did wrong. Because I guarantee, that's the way I took it. I think you can offer an explanation, state that this is the end of the conversation, and then follow through as easy as anything else.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree with @Phil4423 as sometimes it can take me three days to react to something. It can be confusing and makes it very hard to figure out how I really feel.

And I think I'm leaning more toward @scout86 in that an explanation is best. I've been in this situation too and it can be confusing as if I don't actually hear it's over and why, I tend to think the person will come back. But, this is just me!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Being a supporter is emotionally very hard, especially if you have trust or abandonment issues. We all have our breaking points, as much as that hurts. I found the nonchalance very hard to take sometimes. It left me very insecure. I became defensive emotionally. Loving someone who sometimes treats you as just an extra, as someone they accept, but who isn't crucial hurts.

Having compassion is good, but you have to have compassion for yourself as well. I'm sorry for your pain. But you know your limits and if you have reached them, stick by it. Good luck with everything.

 

[Echo]

I would agree that it is far worse to leave without an explanation or to leave it hanging than it is to try and find some kind but clear-cut words. Don't offer friendship because that just adds confusion and then leave him well alone, let him grieve (or be relieved) and tend to your own demons. It's not his fault and it's not yours. Accept that just now you are not a good match and hopefully both of you will ultimately find more suitable partners, probably after much work on yourselves separately.

 

[LilBit]

I agree with Echo. This is where I stand with my sufferer, a state of confusion. Goodbye or not? Make it clearcut and known to him what you have chosen and then stick with it. I would much rather have a clearcut goodbye so I could have definite closure, grieve, and be able to close the door on it.