I Feel So... Alone.

[Sick of Fear]

I'm standing here making dinner. My kids are playing, husband is in the front room. I spoke with my grandma, sister, and mom today. All of these people, and I'm fighting the tears from the painful emptiness I feel inside. I feel disposable, worthless, exhausted, and scared. I go out in public afraid to make eye contact with people. They scare me...especially men. Every day I think of all the reasons not to...yet I can't seem to get myself out of this funk.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Sometimes it can feel like theirs no one to listen to how we really feel.
Find it in yourself somehow to express yourself on here, and find the safty you need. Maybe some time away would help.

 

[xena21]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I wish I knew how to help you. What I always thought I wanted was what you say you have, but I know it's only perspective. I understand the loneliness even when people are around.

What I mean by saying I wanted what you have is the "family" thing. I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I'm just trying to say that I know this is how the "grass is always greener" statement comes from. I live alone and always dreamed of getting married and having kids but I just never have been able to. I am always lonely too. So I feel your pain.

I also understand what its like to feel lonely when others are around too though. When my family has a party and invites me over, I go and its weird because I feel so isolated, so separated from everyone. Its like there are two worlds you know? I understand the separation you feel between people. It's so hard and so lonely! I'm sorry you feel this way.

Is there another friend outside the house you can call or email...maybe text? I dont know. I dont these things much but I know lots of others have friends on speed dial. I hope you find some comfort tonight.

 

[nomedic1]

We are here to listen.

 

[Sick of Fear]

Thank you. Time away would be awesome, but unfortunately it's unlikely to happen. I would love to know what a complete spa treatment would feel like. Maybe I'll suggest that to my hubby for my birthday :) thanks again!

 

[Sick of Fear]

Is there another friend outside the house you can call or email...maybe text? I dont know. I dont these things much but I know lots of others have friends on speed dial. I hope you find some comfort tonight.

Thank you for your thoughtful post. Unfortunately...I don't have any friends. The closest I have to a friend is my sister and I feel like I'm burdening her with my depression and anxiety. Plus she lives in IL and I live in VA. So many people that called themselves my friends--best friends even-have abandoned me. I've given up on trying to make friends, but I feel bad because I don't want my curse to effect my daughters' outlook on life. Also, being married and having kids is wonderful, but it doesn't take away the symptoms of PTSD, so you're right, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Thank you again.

 

[Cufflinks]

This sounds brutal. I really don't mean it to be but your first posting was full of silences. I know how you feel. I was new once. I have been helped beyond my wildest dreams by the thoughtfulness and kindnessvof the other members of this forum. Share....I'm a simple soul and want to help too but I feel you need to share but only when you're ready.

 

[Sick of Fear]

Cufflinks, I know and I'm sorry...
Thank you for wanting to help. I'm just feeling lost with what to post where, plus I am nervous about talking about my situation. I can express emotions until I'm blue in the face, but when it comes to discussing their roots, not so much. I want to change that, and I'm hoping I can through here.

The thing is, and I'm not saying this for attention, I truly don't feel that I matter. Even behind a screen name I'm still afraid to talk about in detail the things I so hoped I would be able to. Who knows, maybe I will get there someday.

 

[Bubba]

Unfortunately...I don't have any friends....

So many people that called themselves my friends--best friends even-have abandoned me.

I am can totally relate to you. I also have never been able to keep close friends. I don't know if I unconsciously push people away - but it sure makes for a lonely life. I long to have a "best friend" like they do in the movies. Someone that I can laugh with - go shopping with - just be ME with. But I don't and I don't think I ever will.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in how you feel. Many of us deal with the same feelings.

((((((HUGS))))))

 

[Sick of Fear]

Thank you, Bubba.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I was coming here to write a thread about loneliness and saw this one! Sick of Fear - well done for getting this discussion started, I appreciate that someone else has had the strength to do so.

All of these people, and I'm fighting the tears from the painful emptiness I feel inside. I feel disposable, worthless, exhausted, and scared.

I could not agree more - sometime I look around me and see people that I am working with and think that it makes no sense for me to feel so non-existent - but that is how I feel. Frightened and to exhausted to do anything about it at all. But coming here, and being able to write whatever is on my mind, has helped me a great deal. I can usually manage to feel some kind of connection to the world through this site.

I have been helped beyond my wildest dreams by the thoughtfulness and kindnessvof the other members of this forum.

Me too! It has been a life saver for me at times - and you can say as much or as little as you like! I am a bit like you in that I tend to talk about how I am feeling rather than the events that caused my trauma. And that has been OK here - no judgement about it at all. (I do hand write about my trauma in a journal, which you might like to try at some stage).

I don't know if I unconsciously push people away

I know that I do - am working on not doing it and being here has helped me with that. Especially understanding that a "criticism" is not necessarily a huge condemnation of me - it can be a constructive thing that helps me to think!

Finally sick of Fear - YOU DO MATTER. You really do! To yourself, your husband and kids and to everyone here. Please be as kind to yourself as you can and work you way along your own journey as and when you can. The will always be support / resources here for you - I have learnt that (at the beginning I did not really believe it but now I do).

:hug: if you accept them, GF.

 

[Cufflinks]

Cufflinks, I know and I'm sorry...
I truly don't feel that I matter. Even behind a screen name I'm still afraid to talk about in detail the things I so hoped I would be able to. Who knows, maybe I will get there someday.

We all matter.
Every single one of us. We just sometimes think we don't.

When I joined this forum I was distraught because my anger had destroyed a marriage. I had just about every symptom in the book but no diagnosis. I thought I had PTSD but wasn't sure. I now have 2 independent diagnoses and I'm getting some fantastic treatment which is starting to work. I have learned so much about what was going on underneath that I am recovering and looking forward to my future.

I have nobody else and sometimes I need advice, sometimes I need to vent. Occasionally, I need to explain or discuss. Whatever it is, it comes out in bits and pieces and sometimes in a strange order. That's also the nature of PTSD!

Take your time. Read some of the other threads. I comment on other threads, not just my own (like I'm doing now). Everyone here wants to support and help. The moderators are kind and helpful and also suffering so we all understand. No two experiences are the same and everything should be at your own pace and comfort level.

This forum has saved my life and helps me on those dark days. Hang in there, we're all here for you.