I Feel So Depressed...

[Broken Hearted]

I feel scared...I feel shaky....I'm constantly tired...and sleeping is hell....but at the same time it's like I'm numb? I can not emotionally connect with the bad things that happened to me...I get teary, but I don't cry. I just started remembering some of the horrible things that I blocked out from the abusive relationship that took place 8 years ago. As I write this I do so with no feeling, but with full alertness, like I have to be ALERT. For the longest time, I could remember that for some reason I felt like I may have told him stop during sex and he didn't, but I quite couldn't put my finger on it, so I didn't reason with it and I just remembered the whole thing, wrote it down, and felt no feeling about it, besides shaking and different aches in my body. Now as I write this I feel something, shakes again; it's as if I'm vibrating and I can't calm down, but that's it, no tears at all. I don't even want to leave the house. I don't understand this....

 

[woundedsoul]

I had/have that symptom too. Sometimes it's more severe than at other times.

I think it's a natural defense mechanism to protect the self from further harm and it's called emotional numbing to protect yourself from becoming overwhelmed emotionally, physically and mentally.

Hope the following comment isn't triggering or too shocking, but it took an attemtped suicide for my total mind/body numbing to stop and then in all honesty, there have been times since that I have wished I had the protection of being numb again!

However, I know that is a very unhealthy mode of coping, if it is coping, but in retrospect, I know it was a means of survival for me at the time. I have since chosen healing, however difficult that may be, rather living like this forever. Having said, that, the healing process needs to be taken very seriously and at a pace where the mind and body can cope with the, at times, overwhelming symptoms of PTSD.

I hope you have a therapist to help you? Please take good, careful care of yourself and if you don't have a therapist, try to get one with a trauma specialty background because they understand that processing trauma needs to be done very carefully and very slowly so as not to retraumatize.

You appear to me to be in a fragile state. So please be careful and treat yourself with tender loving kindness and do anything you can to make yourself feel pampered and taken care of. We have to do this for ourselves because so many people do not understand PTSD...we look good/fine on the outside, it's the inside that is hurting and screaming for help and alleviation of all of this turmoil and emotional pain.

 

[Broken Hearted]

Thank you for that. Maybe I am re-traumatizing myself too? The reason I say this is, because at first after doing EMDR with a therapist and feeling horrible I tried to remember stuff to let it all out, write it down with hopes of feeling better, but I feel even worse. I still don't understand why I am so depressed.

 

[piratelady]

(Hugs BH) I wish I had some wonderful and comforting words for you. All I have is to know that everyone is here to listen to you and offer support where they can. I hope you can feel better soon.

 

[RosieNorth]

Hugs, Broken Hearted, I hope you feel better soon.