D
Deleted member 38644
I feel so guilty that I feel behind in life. 23 years of my life I feel is gone from me. I spent 23 years of my life trapped, shy and hiding who I was to please my family members. Nothing but repeated cycle of trauma over and over again with me not realizing. not realizing the problem with my life, not realizing I have PTSD, not realizing anything wrong because I always blacked my life out to escape reality. I felt trapped in a cage because I am a different girl and I get judged. I developed studdering and just noticed it. I have trouble speaking in conversation straight without talking or speaking slow. I freak out a lot and I get made fun of because people perceive me as a slow girl and I am not. Im not aware of what I be saying, all I know is I say it because my anxiety overtakes my speaking. I get judged alot but my own mother did not save me, someone else did. I was never protected by nobody. I missed on alot in life because of greed, and schemes. I look through these pictures asking what happened to me. I am just now having an opportunity. Idk anything...I be so confused. College is a struggle of a never ending degree. Someone had to sit down and explain something to me for me to wake up. Every time I try to read I get a headache and I am not understanding. My therapist appointment is approaching and I do not want to go because its in the city where I was getting beat for 2 years. I avoid almost everything to keep from being afraid. I had to go through the same path over and over again where something happened to me out of fear not knowing I drove 70 through the road. I pray everytime I am on that certain area. This entire State is a trigger because the State failed to protect me. The same thing happened to me over and over again. a never ending cycle of trauma. Now I am about to be set free. I dont have to be depressed anymore. I don't have to be scared to drive. I stay out of my truck because of repeated events that happens. I drive praying and trying to keep my anxiety down. My own family did not protect me. I didn't have the opportunity other kids had in life. I was suffering and didn't know it. People make fun of me because of the way I talk. I get called stupid because I did not want anyone to have my number. I want to break away. I want to be free. Everything has been repeated. I remember my father pushing a woman on a bed when I was young. He was rushing up trying to hit me always and even threatened me. He always have been abusive in every way as possible. People describe it as repeating history of trauma or a cycle. I just want to be set free. I feel trapped and 23 years I feel behind. I drive to another State (few hours away) to go to the gas station or food shopping. I work further and further away and do daily activties further away
