SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
...my health. I mean, things practically are bad too. But here is the difference. 2 months ago, things were really bad practically and I had to constantly solve problems...but I was okay. And I was taking things one by one and solving them. I was getting better.
And in those 2 months I have been steadily declining. I feel like time is wearing me out. A good example would be, 2 months ago, there was a day I spend 6 hours going from office to office dealing with the documents I had to make no matter how many extra documents I had to figure out. Today I had to bring one document to one place an hour away...it took me 2 hours of calming myself to go out, then all the way to there I was low-key hyperventilating(like, still able to keep walking, just feeling dizzy and weak and my heart going too fast no matter how I was trying to breathe) and wanting to throw up. Finally, I got it together for few minutes when I got there, gave the document, and then it was back to hyperventilating on the way back. Had to stop few times because I was too weak. And then I had this odd reaction and I rescheduled everything and took a nap because I just felt sick, and woke 30min later in hyper-panic.
I am in a hard point in my life...but I have been at a hard point and handled it better. I am not okay. I am not good. I'm trying to exercise and read books and push through meetings, but with time the things I can push through are getting less and less. It's a magic circle. I am getting to a point where I really need help and I can't afford it. I need to be better to do what I need to do to be able to afford it, and I need my health to be better to do what I need to do. And skipping things creates anxiety, but there are days when even pushing through things changes nothing. Like today I was relieved I dealt with the document, but it did nothing to calm my heart or change how I felt. I need to do a lot of important things and every day I have less energy and I am able to push through less things. I know if I get through this month, things have to get better(at the very least-less outside stressors), but honestly for like a week I'm slowly moving towards not knowing how to function.
I want things to get better and I kept trying and trying, but lately it feels like they never will. It takes me longer to get up, to fall asleep, to get ready for things. It takes me more energy to get through meetings. I need to do more than ever if I want to change things, and I am barely getting through the most important things and everything else is just...I'm trying to keep it up and it's getting harder and harder and I feel like I was lucky to get this far in this situation but I'm running out of luck, and out of energy to seek solutions and I just find it so hard to exist at all. I feel like I need change and I don't know how to get it in this state. Anxiety and depression are starting to interfere with the basic things I do(getting food, cleaning, errands, work...) and it's just getting worse. I feel like I need a month to just get a hold of myself, but seriously, who can just say I'm going to take a month off? I can't afford that. And every day I feel a little more stuck.
I mean it's like, if I stick it out, if I keep pushing through, I suppose one day I'll find a way to take care of myself. That things can only go like this for so long, evertually either I'll have a breakdown or they WILL get better. But in the meantime I don't know how to hold out. My mind knows that doing anything is better than being in bed, but logic makes me feel like either I do my schedule or I can't. Like, I can't do something else during that time other than try to get myself to a useful state of mind. For one reason or another I feel like there's no one I can talk about this. I don't know how to handle an afternoon these days, let alone a day or a week. Sometimes even good things that I need to do feel hard to get through. I'm just ...here. And for what? For what reason? What am I doing with the chances I get? I was doing so well, how did I get myself back into such a state that I need to gravel and pray for solutions because I can barely function? It's 2 steps forward and 5 back and it's exhausting.
And in those 2 months I have been steadily declining. I feel like time is wearing me out. A good example would be, 2 months ago, there was a day I spend 6 hours going from office to office dealing with the documents I had to make no matter how many extra documents I had to figure out. Today I had to bring one document to one place an hour away...it took me 2 hours of calming myself to go out, then all the way to there I was low-key hyperventilating(like, still able to keep walking, just feeling dizzy and weak and my heart going too fast no matter how I was trying to breathe) and wanting to throw up. Finally, I got it together for few minutes when I got there, gave the document, and then it was back to hyperventilating on the way back. Had to stop few times because I was too weak. And then I had this odd reaction and I rescheduled everything and took a nap because I just felt sick, and woke 30min later in hyper-panic.
I am in a hard point in my life...but I have been at a hard point and handled it better. I am not okay. I am not good. I'm trying to exercise and read books and push through meetings, but with time the things I can push through are getting less and less. It's a magic circle. I am getting to a point where I really need help and I can't afford it. I need to be better to do what I need to do to be able to afford it, and I need my health to be better to do what I need to do. And skipping things creates anxiety, but there are days when even pushing through things changes nothing. Like today I was relieved I dealt with the document, but it did nothing to calm my heart or change how I felt. I need to do a lot of important things and every day I have less energy and I am able to push through less things. I know if I get through this month, things have to get better(at the very least-less outside stressors), but honestly for like a week I'm slowly moving towards not knowing how to function.
I want things to get better and I kept trying and trying, but lately it feels like they never will. It takes me longer to get up, to fall asleep, to get ready for things. It takes me more energy to get through meetings. I need to do more than ever if I want to change things, and I am barely getting through the most important things and everything else is just...I'm trying to keep it up and it's getting harder and harder and I feel like I was lucky to get this far in this situation but I'm running out of luck, and out of energy to seek solutions and I just find it so hard to exist at all. I feel like I need change and I don't know how to get it in this state. Anxiety and depression are starting to interfere with the basic things I do(getting food, cleaning, errands, work...) and it's just getting worse. I feel like I need a month to just get a hold of myself, but seriously, who can just say I'm going to take a month off? I can't afford that. And every day I feel a little more stuck.
I mean it's like, if I stick it out, if I keep pushing through, I suppose one day I'll find a way to take care of myself. That things can only go like this for so long, evertually either I'll have a breakdown or they WILL get better. But in the meantime I don't know how to hold out. My mind knows that doing anything is better than being in bed, but logic makes me feel like either I do my schedule or I can't. Like, I can't do something else during that time other than try to get myself to a useful state of mind. For one reason or another I feel like there's no one I can talk about this. I don't know how to handle an afternoon these days, let alone a day or a week. Sometimes even good things that I need to do feel hard to get through. I'm just ...here. And for what? For what reason? What am I doing with the chances I get? I was doing so well, how did I get myself back into such a state that I need to gravel and pray for solutions because I can barely function? It's 2 steps forward and 5 back and it's exhausting.
