I Finally Have The Courage To Introduce Myself

[MissP]

Where do I start. That is the question that I’m always asking myself

First off Im really happy to be a part of a community where I won’t feel alone.

My boyfriend found this forum for me a few years ago. I didn’t pay much attention. I browsed but never decided to submit my story. I felt that revisiting my past and opening old wounds that I felt were buried deep would crush me. Ive read many stories and I’ve finally got the courage introduce myself and tell my story

I was sexually abused from the ages of 4-7/8, by someone very close in my family. I was told to never say anything. And being a child I obeyed them. Now its 22 years later and I wish I would’ve said something. A part of me stills wants to say something I at least to my mom, but I don’t want to give her a nervous breakdown or even worse. During the past few months every single memory has flooded my mind, even new ones also. I recently been having nightmares of the same black and white dream that I’ve had when I was 4.



My life has been filled with nothing but secrets, lies, trusting issues and the list goes on. I’m scared to speak my mind afraid of being judged. I’m Afraid to speak up because I feel like I won’t be heard. I can’t even have a normal relationship with anyone. The one person who knew my story which is my boyfriend, I’ve lost his trust with lying to him and keeping secrets from him. He’s very supportive and now I feel alone again because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

Making new friends is very hard for me, whenever I feel a relationship forming I distant myself. I feel as if I don’t even deserve the right to walk this earth and socialize amongst others. Being intimate is hard, I belive my libido is very low from my past. Having intercourse would hurt and I don’t know if it’s from what happened to me as a child or just the fact that it hurts at times.



But I’ve decided that enough is enough. Whenever I’m sad, stressed, depressed or even just have too much time on my hands to think about life, I find myself crying and really hating myself. I’m confused because I don’t know why it had to happen to me. Why do I have to live this life? I made peace with the individual who sexually abused me as a child, but I can’t seem to make peace with myself no matter how hard I try to. As a teen I would hurt myself to try get rid of the pain. Once that stopped working, I began having suicidal thoughts. That was atleast 10 years ago, and I still have them. I’m extremely embarrassed to even speak about them. Maybe I’m crazy. Which I really do believe that I am. Especially since my father has bipolar disease and also suffered from PTSD from being in the service.

I just want to make sense of what happened to me. I know the answers but are they the right ones? I want to know that what I’m feeling will soon pass. I just want to live a normal life, free from secrets, lying and trusting issues.

 

[NDKnight]

It may never pass, but you can become stronger. Stronger until you can survive the thoughts that may break free. They need to get out, and you will become stronger, it just takes time. sorry, that's all I know. Just remember you are not alone, never will you be alone again, to suffer what happened to you.

 

[MissP]

Thanks for the feedback NDKnight. I wish it would pass, but this will be something that will stay with me forever. I wish that there was a button that i can press that says "erase memory". But then that would be easy, everyone would love to press that button. I know that i shouldnt beat myself up and be so hard on myself, but i cant help it. Living with this is effecting who I am and who I would like to become. I know that they way that i am, as in personality wise, is not me.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Miss P,

You are right that you cannot erase those memories, but with the right therapy you can work to make them feel less important to you. It is like moving them from constant reminders to packaging them away for when you choose to think about them.

I know it would be better if you could get rid of them entirely, but they are a part of who you are. I am not saying they should be affecting you so much now, but you cannot change that they affected you before.

You do not mention therapy, I would strongly recommend it. In my case EMDR is what has helped so much. Like you I managed to survive with those memories for many years then all of a sudden, 30 years later they became overwhelming and that is when I sought help. I am so glad I did as it really has put a different perspective on my whole childhood.

 

[MissP]

Hi Miss P,

You are right that you cannot erase those memories, but with the right therapy you can work to make them feel less important to you. It is like moving them from constant reminders to packaging them away for when you choose to think about them.

I know it would be better if you could get rid of them entirely, but they are a part of who you are. I am not saying they should be affecting you so much now, but you cannot change that they affected you before.

You do not mention therapy, I would strongly recommend it. In my case EMDR is what has helped so much. Like you I managed to survive with those memories for many years then all of a sudden, 30 years later they became overwhelming and that is when I sought help. I am so glad I did as it really has put a different perspective on my whole childhood.

HelloBrucieLucy, thanks for responding. I actually start therapy next week. I had tried counseling sessions before in my college a few months back but it was awkward due to the fact that I could possibly see them in my school just passing through to my next calss. So i stopped going. I have mixed feelings about what to expect next week. Im already contemplating about not going, but I know I need to go. Everytime I speak about my past I start crying before i even finish my first sentence and just cant seem to stop. But I really hope that the outcome of my therapy sessions will shine a light on how I should see things, not only about my childhood but just about life in general. Hopefully my recent flashbacks and my now current scary/ upsetting nightmares will slowly but surely disappear.