I freaked out during sex

[LED]

Hi,
I (18f) was raped and beaten 5 years ago. Since then I have had only 1 serious relationship. This relationship was amazing and I had almost no problem being with him because he knew all my triggers and was VERY careful to avoid them. However I recently started dating this new guy. I told him right off the bat that I have ptsd and sometimes have panic attacks during sex. Unfourtunatly during our first sexual encounter he accidentally got one in my ass. This just happens to be my biggest trigger. Needless to say I freaked out. He immediatly stopped and asked me what was wrong. I told him what he did and he apologized. Profusely. I am not upset with him in the slightest but since then he has been avoiding me. I am worried that my issues screwed everything up. What should I do?

 

[Freida]

I told him right off the bat that I have ptsd and sometimes have panic attacks during sex.

Hearing this from someone over coffee vs having it happen in the moment? A pretty big shock

He may be embarrassed, or not sure what to do next, or wondering if he has what it takes for a relationship with someone who has ptsd (because, y'know, we bring the fun! :)) Are you comfortable just asking him? Or is he avoiding like..not answering your calls?

 

[Esterio]

Hi Led Thank you for this thread

I started to have full blown Panic attacks in the night over 20 years ago now. It ended touching, intimacy and sex for me. My marriage ended with in 3 years lot of other stuff happened. My wife didn't know I had ptsd until the doctor told us both. I have tried to have sex since then once I had a really bad panic attack almost to the hospital that time. Scared the shit out of my partner.
I have never been able to talk with this person about what happen and why. I think they would understand and try to help. I have tried to bring up the conversation ever since it happened but unable to. I have never been able to talk about sex in my life, so I have not had a good loving sex life ever.
peace be safe

 

[LED]

Hearing this from someone over coffee vs having it happen in the moment? A pretty big shock

He may be...

When I try to call or text him he either ignores it or makes up an excuse to not have to talk to me. I really like this guy but even if he did answer I'm not sure I'd have the stomach to tell him what happened much less start the conversation. I can talk about it no problem when someone else asks me about it but I can't bring it up.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'd just let him go.

I'm also thinking BS on the accidental part.

My guess is that he thought he could give you anal sex, you called him out on his BS by having that flashback, and now he's avoiding you because you said no from the get-go and he knows he's guilty of trying to force it on you.

 

[Sideways]

Even without PTSD on board; clearly what he tried to do (anal - very hard for that to be ‘accidental’...) upset you a lot. Of course it did.

Going forward in your life; it’s okay to not want to do anything and everything sexually. If you’re not into anal and a guy does that? You don’t need to apologise for being upset, or not into it. Communication about sex should have you in a place where you can say what you don’t want, and have that respected. And if a guy goes too far (anal without asking is not on), you have every right to be furious about that.

It’s easy to apologise in the moment. Great. But right now, you haven’t done anything wrong. At all. He on the other hand? Accident or, not he seriously screwed up.

He should be trying to smooth things over with you, not the other way around, because what he tried to pull? Wasn’t okay. Ptsd or not.

Everything you’ve described is pointing to this guy not being a keeper.

 

[deeplyloved]

I wish I hadn’t read this, but I did and I’m furious for you. My partner has made some accidental mistakes that have set off flashbacks: kissing me a certain way or touching an area of my skin too lightly. Those are truly accidental. Anal sex is not accidental. Please stop chasing this jerk. He should be apologizing to you sincerely. Instead, it sounds like he has shown you his true self.

 

[Friday]

Seriously? No one else has ever missed a stroke before? That happens.

 

[deeplyloved]

No...I’ve been married for 18 years and it has never accidentally happened. I was raped anally so maybe that’s why? Maybe my awareness is heightened? I just can’t imagine it happening easily and accidentally. I also can’t believe I’m having this discussion. Maybe I’m experiencing some growth and progress—ha!

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I think that the most important part here is that he is blowing you off. The panic reaction may be something that he is incapable of dealing with. Men that young (assuming close to your age) are barely emotionally equipped to deal with any female, let alone one with ptsd triggers. It is possible that he was in this just for the sex, but with his stopping and apology I would think that he got scared or was a boy who wanted sex but was still human and empathetic when you panicked. I recommend you move on unless he comes to you and you work it out with him.

 

[scout86]

Seems to me that it doesn't matter much, at this point, if it was an accident or not. Him deciding to avoid you isn't an accident, it's a choice. And, it's the kind of choice we all get to make. I've got a few issues with some sexual situations too. I do what you did and tell people up front. I've decided to sort of use it as a test. If it's a problem, then it is, and the relationship isn't going to work. Then, if something goes wrong (like it did for you) what happens next is also sort of a test. He's giving you your answer. No matter how much else this guy has going for him, this is a deal breaker. That's legitimate, no harm, no foul. (And don't blame yourself either.)

 

[deeplyloved]

Yes, such good points from wise people. What happened after is more important. We all make mistakes and what matters is how we repair them. He’s showing you his capacity and you deserve better.