It's a real challenge to put into words how reading your last post has influenced me and brought to the surface feelings.
It's very helpful to know that others have this happen even after they've done a lot of work on their problems.
.......it's difficult to read. It's not a good idea for me to go into details as to just why, but very difficult.
I can say though that just as I had grown again to a place where I was not only having more good days and nights in a row then not having them, very unexpected traumas occurred, followed by a crushing ********* **********.
It and what followed has turned my families whole world upside down and it was just a matter of months ago.
So it's just me and my forced denial of emotional pain, fears and disgust that would have your kind words get twisted in my thoughts now as to send out an invitation of self-pity; something I just can't afford as such is too costly.
Anyhow, I can't really agree that me being so easily triggered and shaken these days, is in any way interwoven with so much work I've done on my past trauma(s) and problems. Rather, so much to do with my most recent present, and possibly too other re-occurring Neuro-medical problems.
Maria you say:
If I'm with people, I usually act pretty irrationally.
Though this may be so now, this truly can improve greatly and get so much better to a point where you develop abundant self-control, intuitiveness and even a reputation for being overly rational. I believe this because this had been my experience! .....and so why not yours?
I blame others for upsetting me.
This too can greatly lessen and improve with proactivity and getting in on the know, continuing relevant education about your condition or condition(s), ...Certainly good therapy and through collectively pulling together the wisdom we've gained over the years and while in meditation piecing it all together with daily self-honesty.
When I was exposing and confronting many a trauma, once really regularly processing much with a good therapist and then here writing and re-reading as best I could, though I didn't always expend energies writing further about what was being processed, and becoming acceptable within me, ...this is what was happening. So much ugliness, severe abuse and neglect now just truly memories in which I accept and can rather easily speak about in proper context, and have. Yet truly some more for me to come to accept or perhaps even understand.
However, there were times when so terribly ill from really opening (I think it's called) pandora's box, and the outflow of too much, ...and so much of it I was too self-reliantly facing alone ...and some of the going it to much alone determined by circumstances. Well, then I was then consistently blaming, blaming, and blaming for others added aggravations and insensitivities.
As for right now, when triggered from blatant disregard and/or another's denial or restricted perspective of what's what, without another trusting and taking into account countless other aspects and realities, well then there is where I speak up and am not so careful as to not hold another accountable to blame.
And, still Maria I don't know how to drop blame when pushed beyond my limits even though I've clearly announced ......Enough is Enough.
Blaming others for one feeling and upset is quite common among many people, as is not holding another accountable when they ought to be.
Maria, right now you say that you "escape and often never speak to that person or enter that situation again."
This being avoidance is quite unhealthy for us with Ptsd, as you likely know. Thoush suppose it isn't when it's a true matter of self-preservation, (like staying sane and/or alive).
But when it is unhealthy, even this we can let go of when we're persuaded by our own guilt, inspired or both.
I had last spoke to my mother back some months ago when I believe she was way out of line, but before Christmas day was over, shortly before midnight, I called her to wish her a belated Merry Christmas and then offered her a whole bunch of good info. on resources and materials that she could enjoy and some which could help her. We talked for 4 hrs. and it went fast; Could've enjoyed speaking with her for a couple more. Me calling her soon enough after 'that' months back was like highly unexpected, it's just not like me.
I can't really focus on what the other person is saying, or how it is important for them to feel heard. I make disconnected responses.
I do this too, usually with people I feel disgusted with, but who know now with whom, (another words, disgusted or not) while generally other times after a lot of well-rounded healing I'd learned to focus extradionarily well. Hope this is still the case soon enough ahead.
Maria, I'm sorry that you and your son are having such difficulties. It's good that you started to cry. Crying is good, though far too many people don't feel comfortable with it or around it.
.........Crying is Good! Crying is Healing! Crying is generally real grief! And, Crying fuels inspiration, motivation, energy and strong holds release. Loving, responsible actions and service taken on our part, replaces the grief. And, the goodness just comes alive in us!
Please Maria, open yourself up and be willing to meet new people. There are a lot of friends you simply just haven't met yet and those that will allow you to cry in there prescence; This all by itself, can be so comforting, as is such friendship given and received.
All My Best Maria, .......and take all the time in the world reading this post as it's a lonnnnnnnngg one. (hint: if you haven't already, or don't already know, from some browser windows and or your computer you can increase the size of this forums text and then sometimes long posts are actually readable one step at a time.)
Will be thinking of you.
goingonhope
