k....
I'm not so clear on time. A few days ago mayb? I was super tired because of work and really hard physical labor. I still delayed going to be. my back was bad and I'm not sure if that's what woke me. it could have. And I'm not clear when awake happened. because my dad was in bed with me and I was tyring desperately to wake up. I wanted it to be a dream. At the same time I knew I wasn't asleep. Was some of that dream that was happening or was it all flashback I don't know? I really don't.
then time- I wanted to wake up but I couldn't because that was worse. And he encourage it to be a dream in a way.
now time- so, I got up and did some care for my back and realized it was going to be one of those times when the dad stuff wasn't going awya. so I got all busy, super high functional mode. go go go until you drop.
somewhere in there I decided I was going to engage in bad behavior when I got home. not self-harm. not something I'm willing to talk about her yet. have wanted to. have seen other people post about. have replied anonymously.. but this time was a bit different in that I understood very clearly what I was doing and why. it's a sort of overwriting and t's not a good overwriting but it's better than dad stuff.
felt all bad and ashamed anyway when I realized it was hours and hours later and I was still up and had lost time and done stuff I hate and blah blah blah. But... I emailed therapist. And put together stuff we've only talked about, and I've only been able to remember in fragments. all these jagged ugly puzzle pieces which I've know logically fit together in a certain way but the pieces are to sharp and horrible to handle.
I used words. I said that my dad made me touch him. that's why stickiness on my hands makes me panic. even cotten candy as a kid caused melt downs. he got in bed with me. or a few times made me get in bed with him. that part to rosemary was coherent. then I was all locked in flashbacks so bad every part of my body hurt. they ended though and I wrote incoherent further details. and flashbacked some more and then cried which I haven't done in months and month (years?)
in some ways I'm seriously f*cked up (sleep, food) but I here I am telling you what the dad did in a rational (not flashbacky) way and I told therapist more and I'm ok. And I'd be able to say it again, when I choose. more importantly I let the whole emerge. I guess I've been working towards this the last few months fairly hard.
the sleep thing is going to be very hard. It has been for a time. I mean, it wasn't safe. it's all so muddled. I've talked to my therapist for ages about the "in between place". asleep and awake.
I don't want to call him the dad again. I don't like sperm donor though because he was more than that. And maybe sometimes he was the dad. thoughts for later
