I Hate My Body

[Upside Down Eagle]

Well, not exactly. I don't hate my body in the sense that it's not beautiful enough. I'm good looking. There is nothing wrong with me physically, and I don't think it needs to change in any way.

What I hate, is the physical presence of it -to the point of sheer revulsion. This thing I call a body was a weapon, it was used against me, the people who inflicted pain on it with the intent of humiliating me, enjoyed the process. And now, ten years after such things took place, it still makes me want to puke.

It being feminine is even worse. It feels more unprotected and vulnerable, which I totally I hate; and being without clothes is pretty much unbearable even if I'm alone. I pretty much wish I could dump this body in a ditch and go on living happily without it, but obviously I'll have to "live with it" literally and it makes me so angry...

Anybody else recognize this? What did you do to ameliorate the feeling...?

 

[Abstract]

Hi Radise,

Yes I have felt some of these feelings. Some I have improved, some I haven't and others wax and wan. My history is probably a bit different but I understand that resentment of having a physical self or even a self at all. It can be seen, it can be targeted, it can be used against you - it makes you a target.

The femininity. I hated that. Ironic as I am naturally feminine. Nothing worked at getting rid of that. I used to dress in ways to hide it. Clothes were often double the size they should have been.

I can now be naked which is good. I can also wear clothes that fit and are appropriate. I got to that point through exposure and nothing more complex I am afraid. Every time I changed anything I would be convinced I was going to be attacked and be paranoid and often triggered.

There are still strong impulses to hide or disappear and I have to watch myself that I don't succumb.

I did have an eating disorder for most of my life and the aim of that too was mostly a way of getting rid or my body, to get rid of femininity or attractiveness, a way of feeling invisible. It took a lot of hard work to separate body from reality and break the distortions.

I wish I could share the main issue I still have but I can't I am afraid. It's too raw still.

I think trying to break the distortions us usually the best way out. Even when there is some truth in the belief is very far from the big picture or the truth in the larger sense.

 

[franciemarnie]

I used to hate my body too.

I was slim and considered by some not unattractive, but because of the past - I hated my body and all sorts of things about me.

Becoming physically powerful with weights and boxing helped me a lot. I don't look big or manly. I wasn't going for that. I'm still 5'-7" and 125 - ish in pounds but I feel like I could give anyone a run for their money, especially when I'm mad. I feel like superwoman then.

Now that I don't work anymore, I dress for comfort. Jeans and blazer. It doesn't hide my body, but I don't feel any need to advertise.

Hating my body - it was an awful feeling. That changed but it took a while for me.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

thanks for the replies :-)

It probably could have been worse, in the past I only used to dress in baggy clothes too, so no-one would see what I looked like underneath. Nowadays I wear clothes that fit... still don't like being looked at much, though. I tend to wear a baseball cap in public so I can avoid people's gazes. I don't think they're judging me, but by looking they are confirming that I am in fact physically present... which is terrible...! It would be so great if we could be just spirits sometimes...

Generally when the impulse to dissapear comes up (which is specially in social situations), I take a run for it, or bike away really fast... the problem of my body being that I can't escape from it, it will come with me wherever I go, so sometimes it feels rather like a mobile jail...

You're right about the distortions Abstract, I've been trying to change other mental distortions I've been having, and that is working out a bit, although I find it extremely challenging... because it feels safe to cling to the old (though dysfunctional) patterns and so scary to let them go... :(

I did KravMaga for a while, Franciemarnie, like three months, but it was so exhausting, it's really intense. And there were only guys, who thought it extremely weird that I participated, so I quit. But I've been thinking about kickboxing. I'll look around to see if I can enroll somewhere... thanks for the tip!

 

[The Albatross]

I am learning to embrace the vitality of the body, it is more resilient than the spirit or soul. It goes on, it's own way, in spite of outside influence. It is quite an amazing thing. I hated it for a while, a long while, to see the ravages and scars on my face. Now no one else really sees them except for me. That is the resilience of the body. It continues to regenerate... in a way that my spirit and soul for a time did not.

 

[therisa]

Radise, I understand and can totally relate to the experience that you, Franciemarnie and Abstract have written about, but in my case, it gets twisted, because I am trangendered. My body, became the focus of my abuse and the PTSD, which followed. Even now, I am totally passable, as a woman, I wear clothes, which hide my emerging figure, from men. And yes, I do have other issues that I need to address, too.

 

[euca]

Your post rang so many bells with me. I dislike my body too, I hate the scars and I hate what it did to my psyche during my trauma. And I hate how when I have flashbacks it 'lets me down'.

I've started to exercise, uh, a lot more, because it relieves my mental tensions. My body has responded by becoming better looking and I hate this. I do not want men to look at me! Urgh so complicated, most people want to look better, it makes me feel more vulnerable, but I do like knowing I can run and I can fight.

As for clothes I don't leave the house without 3 layers and I deliberately wear unattractive shapes. I love the idea of dumping my body in a ditch and living on without it LOL that would be awesome.

BUT...healing hat on. T says my body is a part of me and we need to integrate the body and the mind, and my body didn't betray me, it tried to protect me. I'm trying to believe this and I'm working on trying to enjoy pleasurable sensations - warm water, not scalding; nice food to be eaten because it's nice; positive touch with friends etc

 

[Britt.f7]

I'm trying to get over my hatred of my body. That's one of the reasons I have my picture as my avatar. It's a newish thing. Trying to get myself comfortable in my own skin without looking at it and wanting to hide. I use to be anorexic(borderline they say) and, though I am now fat, those messages have not left my mind. I do worry that people think of me, when they see me, as the person I see when I see myself. I become disgusted. I know, through therapy mostly, that my visions of myself are distorted. I'm working on it.

On the other hand I do have a niece who is very strong and has done the whole fighting thing. She still likes girly things, but she could kick butt if needed. She's a tough cookie.

Just made me think of something though. Today, while shopping with my sister, she made a comment about wanting a granddaughter someday, but a tough one(more like her I suppose). For some reason, whenever she makes a comment like that I think she is saying something is wrong with me. Sounds like another therapy session in the making.

I wish none of us hated our bodies as much as we do. We should be amazed at the awesome way it actually works. And another thing, it took me having a baby to decide that women's bodies were not weak.