I Hate The Effects Of Ptsd

[Lost Soldier]

Wow, a forum I can release my angst. I was diagnosed with PTSD by three different doctors from multiple parts of the military and VA. What a roller coaster. Not to mention a long ride. I sit and go to the a therapist, a psychologist, and a doctor that hands out my meds. Most days I feel like I am losing my mind everyday and I want to give up. I continue the good fight for my family. If I did not have them, then I probably would not be typing this.

I hid my feelings for three years. Everybody just thought I was angry and closed up about my service. When I felt my emotions was going to hurt someone or I was going to end it all; I decided to get help. The VA has been great for me. The military was not so understanding and puts me in a corner. It is unbelievable. I finally got help after three years and almost wanting to call it quits with life, the one people I thought would support me, just sent me to a shrink to make sure I was stable enough to continue on.

I find it ironic, that before I left to war I was a happy guy and when I come back, I could give two shits less about another human being and go give one f*ck less about myself. I love my country, just hate what war did to me. I am an empty shell of a person that keeps going for the people around him. Personally, If I met my fate it would not bother me. Shit, I think I would even welcome it. No, I do not want to end my life and yes I am safe right now. It is just so nice to be able to right this down on paper or on a screen. Most nights I wake up sweating thinking about all the destroyed things I saw over there. I get up and want to scream most mornings.

Also, I gave up on all my pills, because they were causing me to gain weight and I really don't feel like getting kicked out of the military for my weight. They are not getting rid of me like that.

So, I have to fight my hallucinations and disturbing thoughts and dreams by myself. I have done it for over three years and can still keep going. Right now I feel like a person stuck at sea in a really small boat that is adrift.

Now days I hide downstairs and do my job. I work from home, so I at least don't have to deal with to many people. This I am glad for.

So all my soldiers out there, I feel your pain. I understand your hate. It just feels good to spill my guts without judgement. I don't know who will read this, but thanks for listening.

 

[JennyMac]

Welcome, I am glad you found us, and I hope you find what you need here. There are lots of good folks on here and we are a pretty tight support system. Sorry to hear about your meds, mine are making me gain weight like...well like a crazy hungry hungry hippo. At one point I stopped taking them, I slid back down that slippery slope so fast I damn near made it to the bottom again. I thought it was pretty crappy- the choice between fat and semi happy or skinny and miserable. Its a choice to make and it really made me think hard about what was important. I don't like feeling like I want to rip people's heads off while crying uncontrollably...hahaha so my choice was to go back on them and deal with the weight gain when I was in a more stable place in my life. But that was just my choice, no right or wrong about it but it was the best for me. Hope you find what you need here, lots of advice, information and laughs. Welcome!

 

[JarHed]

Hey Soldier

You're not lost brother. You've found somewhere where there are people that are struggling as well. Everyday can be a challenge. You just have to take it one at a time. You've got family and that's a good thing, it's keeps you here. Glad you found us and Welcome to the forums.

JarHed

 

[Fargo1]

Welcome brother. You are taking the steps. I'm sure they feel like baby steps to you right now. And they are. They have to be. You are wounded, and you know what a wounded animal is like, right?

The good news is that you have been diagnosed and you have found this place. You can talk, rant, cry, scream as you like here, we'll still have your back. There is a lot of good information here, so read, read, read.

Fargo

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome LS,

Mate the VA are notorious for handing out pills, it's a blanket fix and they have to do it to get the veteran in a calm enough state to seek therapy.

Can you answer me a few questions brother so I can work out where your at?

First of all, do you go to any type of therapy? Therapy although it sounds daunting is the best way to deal with the demons and to help set up ways in your life to tackle the worst symptoms of the beast.

And last but not least mate, you did not let us know who you served with or where you live (State). For all you know there might be others here on the forum from the same unit or same state who can give you pointers if needed.

Anyway, welcome again mate, hope we can help.

Jimmy

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

LS,

I want to focus on something you said. "....before I left to war I was a happy guy and when I come back, I could give two shits less about another human being......" You didn't loose the things that made you who you were before you went to war. You set them aside for a number of very good reasons.

The good news is, all those parts of you are still there. The problem is, they are very hard to find. So, like the Fargo said. It's baby steps my Brother, baby steps. Keep taking them.

FINDING YOUR WAY BACK IS WORTH IT BECAUSE YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!

SD

 

[Zipperhead]

Evening lost.

 

[anthony]

Me too... hate the effects of PTSD. It sucks arse, big time.

 

[Lee C]

Welcome to the madhouse !

 

[Chin Strapped]

A belated, evening mate.

 

[Lost Soldier]

Welcome LS,

Mate the VA are notorious for handing out pills, it's a blanket fix and they have to do it to get the veteran in a calm enough state to seek therapy.

Can you answer me a few questions brother so I can work out where your at?

First of all, do you go to any type of therapy? Therapy although it sounds daunting is the best way to deal with the demons and to help set up ways in your life to tackle the worst symptoms of the beast.

And last but not least mate, you did not let us know who you served with or where you live (State). For all you know there might be others here on the forum from the same unit or same state who can give you pointers if needed.

Anyway, welcome again mate, hope we can help.

Jimmy

I am still in the military and have a state job. I work law enforcement and retire in a couple of years. I just don't want them to give them a reason to side line me. That is one thing that keeps me going.

I am in Utah and I serve in the United States Navy.

The VA has been a big help, not to mention I also see a psychologist on the Air Force Base near me. The doctor is great and helps me work through my nightmares. I also have an individual therapist that helps me out that works for the VA. We are going through Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT), and I also see a nurse practitioner that gives me my meds. So all and all, the VA and military are doing the best they can to help me. Sometimes, it is nice to let the demons out, because if you tell some therapist too much or how your feeling, prepare for a lovely ride to the funny farm. I cannot afford that, I have a family that depends on me. So, that is why I was a bland on where I love and the branch I serve in.

I was 50 miles north of Baghdad in Iraq for a year. The whole crappy thing about this whole mess in my mind is that I never killed anyone. I only saw the after affects of death and gore. That is the real shitty thing about this. Maybe I could have processed it better or maybe I would have been even worse than I am. Anyway, I appreciate all the kind words. This is just a good forum to spill my mind and get the shit off my chest. Many thanks.

 

[Lost Soldier]

Welcome, I am glad you found us, and I hope you find what you need here. There are lots of good folks on here and we are a pretty tight support system. Sorry to hear about your meds, mine are making me gain weight like...well like a crazy hungry hungry hippo. At one point I stopped taking them, I slid back down that slippery slope so fast I damn near made it to the bottom again. I thought it was pretty crappy- the choice between fat and semi happy or skinny and miserable. Its a choice to make and it really made me think hard about what was important. I don't like feeling like I want to rip people's heads off while crying uncontrollably...hahaha so my choice was to go back on them and deal with the weight gain when I was in a more stable place in my life. But that was just my choice, no right or wrong about it but it was the best for me. Hope you find what you need here, lots of advice, information and laughs. Welcome!

Yup, I am there at the bottom. The only reason I stopped the meds is because I am still in the military and don't want to get kicked out over weight gain. When I wrote my original message, I was feeling down and it made me feel better. Yes, the meds were doing there job. I am more aggressive, suicidal, and angry. I will see how it goes off the meds. If I hit the ultimate rock bottom, then I will start taking them again. I am on like 12 pills per day. Holy crap that is a lot of pills to take. So yes, I suffer from extreme PTSD, but I can still function at my job, because of being able to work at home, just sometimes it is hard to deal with life and yes, the thought of calling it quits always crosses my mind. I then look at my family and know that is not the answer. So I keep taking everything day by day.