I'm so sorry Felicia. You do deserve someone who wants to be with you. It sounds like you've done everything you can. That's just how it is, sometimes things just can't work out. I'm just coming to realize it with my husband... I'm the sufferer and he's the supporter, but it's a similar situation. We've been quasi-separated for almost 2 weeks. I was the one who kicked him out. I was just tired of getting no support and no help from him. I was tried of being blamed for every single thing that was wrong in our lives. I was tired of his promises and his lies. He was the one saying how much he loves me and he would never leave me, and all... but then we separated, and he hasn't done one thing to prove he loves or misses me or wants to be around me. He hasn't apologized for the arguments that lead to our separation.
I apologize all the time for my PTSD and my behavior when I get upset, yell and scream, or isolate and become inconsolable. I spend so much of my time and energy trying to do nice things for my family, because I know I'm so impossible to live with. I work everyday on getting better. And I don't want to have PTSD, I just want to be a normal, fun person. He's always acted like he accepted me as is. Maybe he's trying to give me what I want (I really wanted the separation) and he's trying to respect that or whatever, but by basically ignoring me and not apologizing or talking to me or trying in any way to work things out, well... it just hurts. It's like he can say over and over he loves me and would never leave, but now that we're here, that's just another one of his lies? It seems pretty easy for him to stop loving me and just leave, y'know?
I know I kicked him out. I realize I may have conflicting and unreasonable expectations. It's just such a mess. I am so much happier without him around though, he would trigger me multiple times a day. I've enjoyed the last 10+ days of not being triggered by him at all, because I don't see him. I've had to talk to him often (text messages), because we have kids, but those conversations have been limited to things related to their lives only (school, sports, activities). I've tried reaching out a couple times saying how I was struggling with this or that, but he's ignored those comments.
Thank you Felicia, for sticking with someone with PTSD for so long. Thank you for all your understanding, all your research, all your patience and all your hope. It didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that all you did doesn't matter.
