I Have Become A Complete Cluster Fcuk

[JarHed]

Hey Daz

Welcome to the Forums. Glad you found us and I'm glad you made it back. The guys have pretty well covered it. If you're not in any kind of treatment program at the present time, it's time to consider it. You're here and talking about it and that's a good sign and a good start. Good place and good people. I understand what you miss about not being in the Army. It takes a long time to make that transition. You will and can find people in this life that aren't military that will be good Mates like they were. Let us know how we can help.

JarHed

 

[Sarg]

Welcome, Daz. You'll find good, solid answers here.

Sarg

 

[vikingr12]

Daz,

Parajumper, combat rescue, USAF, Southeast Asia. AOR was Fishhook mostly. I got hit early in the deployment so I am no hero.

I agree with Spock. Your description of blacking out, though not uncommon with PTSD, is a real sign of a brain injury and even a current problem caused after you left the service. I would see a good neurologist and be open with him/her about what has happened.

What meds are you taking, if any? Meds can cause tremors in the hand, as well as a knock to the head or cervical area near the neck and upper back. If your hands easily go to sleep when you lie down in bed it's the sign of those nerves being pinched or damaged. I have already had operations to the hand and elbow, caused by injuries to the upper back.

This $hit is not easy as you have found out. But you have come to the right place no matter what country you fought for. We are all in it together. Unexplained anger is usually the first and most damaging symptom. Lack of concentration is another.

The more you deny, the worse it gets. We're here.

 

[bemental]

Daz, welcome.

Spock and JarHed and the others did their due diligence. You're not in this alone, and not to belittle or take away from what you're experiencing, but we understand what you're going through.

Take solace in that, or maybe just use it as a bolster - regardless of what the world thinks, we're here for you... just like the good 'ol days.

 

[Daz]

This has been my firsts post and having been a roughty toughty suaddie willing to fight for queen and country, more importantly your brothers in arms In and around you you gain a sence of pride and well being. To state the fact I am struggling makes me a weak individual,my sergant major told me so.

We are all strong men capabal and willing to fight the good fight. Only to be left out in the cold when we discharge. I have such a long journey ahead and its going to be a tough battle. I know realise that in this patricular battle I will have people on either side watching my back like the good old days.

The battle field my be completely different to what I am used to but I know you guys will be there to help me along the way. I am so glad I decided to bite the bullet and post, and so very very thankful for all the positive message.

I don't think civvies try as they may can fully appreciate what I am trying to say, you guys know exactly whats goin on in my head and you can't teach that sh1t.

For the first time in ages I feel a little more positive and hopefull forthe future. Thank you guys for sharing your thoughts and being open and honest.

Daz

 

[ColdCalmQuiet]

You just spoke nothing but the truth brother, I was out nearly 6 years ago and two nights ago I had yet to speak a word to anyone about my situation until i came here and posted. Civilians have good intentions sometimes but the only people who have walked in your shoes can even so much as hear what your saying the way you need them to . Thank you for taking that first step with me . Also I have had very short blackouts like you talked about and it started in kuwait on the way home. It ened up being a blood clot from being too close to an explosion, thats what the doc suspected anyway. They came and went and were caused by minute swelling on the brain. Just a suggestion

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Daz said:

The battle field my be completely different to what I am used to but I know you guys will be there to help me along the way. I am so glad I decided to bite the bullet and post, and so very very thankful for all the positive message.

A very keen observation Daz, it can be more like a maze as we seem to run into more wall than exits. Trust me, you have made a huge step forward like you said "bite the bullet" and move on. We can't guarantee smooth passage but when the going gets rough we can hopefully keep your head above water. Good Luck......

Ba

 

[combatgoldfish]

I'd post a greeting but looks like wagon covered that for everyone here. :P

 

[Wagon]

Almost broke my mouse on that intro. The people I steal internet from really need to get their shit together.

Something in ColdCalms post made me glad I've filed a brain injury claim. "Too close to an explosion". Ok that might explain something. I've had a periodic twitch since standing at the wrong end of 16" guns for too long. That might explain that one.

Thanks for that.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Daz,

You said. ".......... she told me I had PTSD. I coulndt see how or why I could have this so I dismissed it." The fact that you've posted here is a sign that you understand you can't dismiss it. It's part of you now my Brother. But, even warriors like us can find a place in the civilian world. Problem is, the adjustment is a real bitch.

You also said. "To state the fact I am struggling makes me a weak individual,my sergant major told me so." Your Sgt. Major is FULL OF SHIT. Reactions to combat are normal, and those reactions helped keep you alive. They override all other thought processed, and are incredibly powerful.

You now have to learn how those processes work, and what you can do to adjust to them. It's going to be a lifetime undertaking. But, you will find that life still holds great things, and you'll find them. Believe me my Brother, they're still there.

SD

 

[vikingr12]

Daz,

Just a word that having the guts enough to post the first time is a lot, but keeping it up is another. My therapist told me (and not that I lend a lot of credence to what she says, speaking of man-hate) that her clients come for a while, don't come for a while, and then show up again. The pattern repeats.

The answer was easy for me. We tend to underestimate, thinking that PTSD is just a wound to the head that will heal forever. You think you are doing well and then something pulls the chain and you are back to chasing demons, some you can't even identify. And just not knowing is a cause of, let's call it what it is, fear. And the anxiety that it might happen again. Some call it paranoia. We call it hyper-vigilance.

And for many of us, it's the afterward, not the during, that is the friction for us. We handled the contact, the charging forward under fire, the missed (and hit) rifle shots, the RPG's -- we got through that. When we think about it afterwards, consciously or unconsciously, our brain revisits the scen, and does not resolve itself, especially when we can't sleep. Sleeping is when our brain relaxes from assuring we move during the day, and tries to resolve and heal our past conflicts. The guilt of seeing a buddy die and thinking you might have saved him is familiar to me. I was a combat medic. I know that dream very well. It's the cause of a lot of tears and anger sometimes. I hated to lose.

So we go through the pattern again of going back to therapy. Or posting on this forum.

Stay with us. We do want to know what's going on.

 

[Daz]

This is my third night since my first post,and trust me it has taken nearly two years having been out for nearly six to acknowledge I might need help. I believe most forums to be bullsh1t. There is usually some self made expert telling you how to correctly clean the carburettor on a mk3 space shuttle, or how to peel and orange using a garden spade. When I posted I was in total despair and I was hoping that some one, just someone may hopefully reply to my post.

I am overwhelmed with the amount of positive responses from so many people who are either experiencing, or have experienced what I am going through. I can't describe what I am feeling at the moment. I am shaking like a shitt1ng dog and crying like a baby and I don't know why. I know it's a good thing but I don't know why. I am just thankful I posted and extremely great full to every one who has posted back.

I don't know what else to say really as my mind is just so jumbled up. I hope the word thank you is enough for now