I Have Been Single To Me For Ten Years...

[sonicwhite]

I dated this gal a year and and half ago....Our idea's clashed, very lukewarm relationship....Me being a Born Again Christian i couldn't stand the thought that if she died on me what guilt i would feel even tho i have no right to judge God says to test the spirits, She is Agnostic with a little bit of everything, i am in total submission to God the Father........So lets talk about the ex from ten years ago.....She was the one I was dating while I was going thru the psychosis.....She was there for me but in a lot of ways she distanced herself from a crazy person, I start to come out of the psychosis and she breaks up with me, my roommate breaks my Collar bone. I just went thru seven months of sheer torture.......This is the landscape of my PTSD........

Everything I dream about now is about the meshed up past I have had, no revelations from God. Just a Normal disorder that's not normal. I wished I knew what she wanted. I thought sex was a way to show you love, that's a perverted way of thinking when your 19/20. I never got to show her how i could change. I had to have her break up with me in order for the pain to go so deep that only God could save me.......

I did however get to say all the apologies I needed in 09 when i found her on Myspace. Anyway I just want to be free of this.....Ten years should of been more than enough to heal from a relationship. I wasn't like her and stacked a relationship on top of another just to forget the pain of the past.....Now I'm wishing I did because there is no room in my heart for her anymore yet it feels like she is a part of my life some how......The trauma will never be reversed. Maybe if I had taken that offer to date in 07 I wouldn't be in this position but well life is what it is and I have to deal with the end time theme flashback/psychosis/PTSD nightmares.......On top of everything else I go thru.

 

[sonicwhite]

Anyone one to give me helpful advice on how to deal with these toxic feelings I still have?

 

[shimmerz]

Sonic, are you saying that you are ruminating about the ex 10 years later? I am not quite certain whether there is enough information in your post for me to answer. My brain gets a big scattered at times though.....

 

[sonicwhite]

Like I can't forgive but in my heart I forgive her........Trauma was what it was, Thinking your going to be chopped up in jail, then to get out only to see she was a different person.....One that I could not return the love back because of the shape I was in. Finally when the storm was calming down she broke it off to me.....It broke my heart twice.......Words just cannot describe the pain i felt......Seeing her after I got out of jail and we're crying together and I don't mean just trickles I mean pouring out, I thought I was never going to see her again.....My biggest fear was losing her and i did......I guess I need to call the therapist again and try to convince her that I need her help.......My life is fractured by this event......I just don't think i can love anyone else anymore because of these toxic feelings i have.

 

[joeylittle]

Yes, I think you are ruminating on these feelings of loss and it sounds like you could use help moving past them.

I guess I need to call the therapist again and try to convince her that I need her help.

Is this a trauma specialist?

 

[sonicwhite]

IDK, I think she works in all areas.......

 

[Ronin]

So a clinical psychologist or? I'm kind of confused on the wording here.

I'd work on letting go. Seriously. That was a chick you were with 10 years ago, when you were in a bad space. Sure it left some impact, but that has nothing to do with specialness of the relationship or what have you, but that it was a relationship you had in that particular time. Sounds to me you need to work through way more issues from that time than just that relationship.

She very likely moved on. By having hopes there's some rekindling you're only setting yourself up for confusion. It's over.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

As a fellow Christian, I understand the need and want to forgive. With that being said, forgiving does not mean forgetting. I think praying to God and asking him to help you let go of the pain and talking to your therapist is a good idea. Sometimes we have to work through the pain in order to be released from it. She was obviously very important to you and I am sorry you are suffering.

 

[sonicwhite]

I know it's over I wish her the best......I get images locked in my head and I can't get them out......severe psychosis meshed with feelings of hatred and love.....I want nothing more than for her to have the best life, not with me I wouldn't forget the pain........My brain has just been fried from meth use and the past is a very sensitive thing to me, why? idk.......other than that I like a gal already but I have to be working before I start dating. Women I noticed like men with confidence and has something to show for it.......



And I am by no means wanting to get back with her.......UGH.....

 

[shimmerz]

Sonic, how long have you liked this other girl?

 

[sonicwhite]

Well I was attracted to her when I first met but it's only been two months. I started a good conversation with her the other day but she was working so we had to shorten it. She goes to school for something and is going back for accounting. She is really nice. But I know nothing would work unless I was working.

 

[shimmerz]

So Sonic, could you be suffering maybe with a bit of anxiety because of your wanting to be involved again? Fear even? Maybe these present feelings bringing you back to your ex? Is that possible?