December before last, I decided to divorce my narcissistic husband. I had some medical problems and was living in the same house with soon to be x, and had to curb my driving for a few months. I would come home, cook myself dinner, and go in the bedroom and lock the door. This went on for 6 months and was very stressful....like being in a modified prison....with a bathroom, bedroom, tv, and internet connection and computer-always monitored, always lied to....and the closer to the end of the marriage the bigger the lies.
I would go out afternoons and ride around with the realtor looking for a house. I could imagine my own home....but the idea was surreal. The house I lived in with the husband clearly belonged to him. I wasn't allowed to drive a nail in the wall or put up a picture hanger. I was allowed to cook, vacuum, dust, and do the things he said I could do. I learned (this is very dumb sounding) to be dumb and "not know how to do things" because that was less abusive than making the effort to do things around the house and be monitored and corrected all the time-then be called stupid because I didn't load the dishwasher or do clothes his way. The upside....few chores....and the down side, when you move out you have no idea how to do stuff making the learning curve very steep.
I closed on a beautiful water front home last summer, and moved in. I was terrified and dissociating all the time. I was afraid of intruders, checked my doors and windows at least 3 times before climbing into bed, locked my bedroom door, and bought a gun. Many trauma related things occurred with the move which helped to make this situation so frightening. Then life happened with a new house...a gas leak (I'd always had electric), property taxes....ugg, a water bill? and so many other little things that I didn't know about.... and doing it all myself was overwhelming. The learning curve for owning a new house when you have never in your life lived alone.... is very steep! Oh, did I say I hadn't been responsible for paying the bills, getting the cars tuned up, doing outside maintenance to the lawn, or anything else. Needless to say, I'm a smart person but very naïve....feeling very dumb. I can learn but PTSD has slowed that process down.
So now, almost a year later in a new home, I can answer this question.
-LIFE is so much more predictable.
-No more criticism unless it is from myself and no one is calling me names in my own home.
-My home feels like my home....the last house I lived in was his even though my name was on the mortgage too-husband made the rules and unless I wanted to deal with his shit...I followed them. I have few house rules. Take shoes off and don't let cats out after dark oh...and get out of my house if you feel the need to be disrespectful.
-I enjoy running around the house wearing whatever I want.
-I eat what I want when I want and if I want to diet....it is much easier to do without considering other's in the food equation.
-The remote and big TV are mine! No sharing.
-I don't share the bathroom-all mine, too!
-I can cut the grass, work outside, plant flowers, or whatever else by myself.
-I'm not as accessible by phone or email, so it really is more peaceful. I can control a lot more drama in my own home.
-I'm so much more creative, and have more time for creative activities like music, drawing, photography and writing.
-I have enough time to stop and take in the view.
-I have fun doing stuff like mowing my lawn on my tractor!
-And best of all, I can travel when the urge hits me, and I'm not tied down to husband's schedule or needs or wants.
-IM FREE!
