I Have Never Seen Myself As A Victim

[growingpains]

I have been emotionally detached for the most part of 12 years due to PTSD, or due to many things that lead me to try to take my own life and instead I got PTSD.

I have been neglected by my parents from birth, abused by them, tried to end my life because of that and my mom was disappointed when I didn't die. I think she tried to kill me a few times but I just have flashbacks of almost dying so it is hard to say.

I have been stalked a few times, had partners and guy friends who have taken advantage of me or used me, and mentally disordered people close to me my whole life...everyone in my family has mental disorders...except for me and my good old PTSD. I don't consider it a "disorder" because I think it saved my life.

I am trying to get healthier and I have never seen myself as a victim though probably anybody would think that I should. I just want to live. My emotions are a roller-coaster, and I don't remember ever feeling so much.

But people have tried to kill me so many times and I am not dead yet so...just gotta keep on keeping on...and trying to get healthier, and trying to heal. I laugh when others cry--not insensitive...it is just that you don't sweat the small stuff when your life has been threatened a lot. Like when people think it is a big deal that they look fat one day or their hair is out of place....I mean seriously...in the scheme of things...anyway...I feel for them but I don't see that as something so important as who a person is, and what they bring to the world.

Hello and nice to be a member of a group of survivors. Hugs!

 

[amethist]

Hi growingpains

Welcome to the forum.

You have gone through so much, but also come along way so far, now you can continue with the support of others who understand.

We are a great bunch of suffers and carers who help and support each other through all that ptsd throws at us.

Good luck and take care.

Amethist

 

[helena]

Hi growingpains,

Your post moved me a lot...welcome to the forum and look forward to reading more of your posts.

 

[Manic11]

Hello growingpains.

Are you sure when you were writing your introduction you weren't talking about me?
By the sounds of it we've been through a lot of the same things. You aren't alone here and you can do this.
I have to ask though, why do you say PTSD saved your life?

Manic

 

[growingpains]

Thank you for your responses Amethist, Helena and Manic11! Even though my biggest fault as a person is that I stress too much PTSD saved my life because the disassociation saved me from becoming crazy or taking my own life. Not feeling much of anything for such a long time gave me the time to develop and grow as a person enough to understand now that it is okay to feel even if my feelings are overwhelming at times.

I have incredible emotional boundaries from everything that has happened to me and I can use them whenever I need to in order to protect myself. I do get flashbacks and memories randomly, and nightmares which scare me...but I feel free now. I can say that I have been there and truly mean it, and look back at how far I have come. Life is a journey and I have come a long way. My flashbacks and nightmares and memories all let me know that the things I confronted in life REALLY happened to me though some of the perps have tried/managed to brainwash me at times to believe that I was at fault and deserved their ill treatment. When I get "PTSD phases" in life I just try my best to inform those around me that I have PTSD, what that means for me personally, and try my best to keep everything in perspective (even though I get almost paranoid at times :P). I also have major trust issues and that is something I am working on the most right now...it doesn't do any good in life to go around thinking the worst of people...I am also eternally optimistic. I love challenges because they show me how strong I am. I am a bit strange that I don't "get" when people make a big deal over little problems in life...but then I could just say try walking around in my shoes.

Manic11--Interesting to read you have been through similar experiences...I am interested to learn more about your struggles and where you are with PTSD right now. It is kind of lonely surviving so many things that a lot of people just don't, or trying to explain it in my calm, logical tone of voice without "non-survivors" either thinking I am crazy or strange. :) But who isn't a little crazy at times or strange? That is what makes people special/different.:P

 

[growingpains]

I Am Perfect

I was diagnosed with PTSD awhile ago, though now I wonder if I have C-PTSD (still waiting for a new diagnosis since I am going to do therapy again, and this time tell everything).

When I go out into the world people see me as perfect as long as I keep them at arms-length. I am perfectionistic in my grooming, my clothes, hair, prepare what I am going to say (depending on the language I am using that day), and am try my best to be perfect. I am not perfect. That is the problem. I am human. I hate that. I hate that I feel I have to be perfect just to be okay. I know people that know me know I am not perfect. However, people do not know that I secretly let my worst critic on the inside win constantly. Many of my successes in life come from the fact that I stress too much and am overly critical with myself. I give myself a lot of pressure too. This is not good for my stress level but oddly it is the stress that helps me to accomplish, and inner critic that gets me to keep pushing on...but my body is tired and I almost never feel like I can just relax. I never give myself permission to just relax and when I try to, I cannot sit still. How does one love oneself (which I do), without magnifying the faults through one's view of how the world sees you? I think the main thing is I have self-esteem, just not self worth (if you can make sense of that). Can someone help me out here? :)

 

[JohnnyM53]

Overcoming Perfectionism - CBT Technique

Hi Growing Pains

I can relate to that feeling of having to be perfect. I was like that for about 30 years before knowing how to start chipping away at the puzzle.

The good news is that the tendency towards perfection is, for the better part -fixable over a short period of time and with a bit of soul searching and effort. I say "for the better part" because one must use what I am about describe below, each time they feel they must be perfect until they resolve all issues or an issue comes up again, or until the thinking process becomes natural. I still use it now and then.

This has everything to do with unconscious reasons dealing with what motivates a person to feel and act as if they must be perfect - and if they fall short just a wee bit of their ideals - they think they are completely flawed. The distorted form of thinking in this case is "all or nothing thinking".

Example: If I am not totally perfect, I am, therefore, completely flawed.

This is one of the 10 forms of "distorted thinking" that most humans experience as a result of faulty programming and self reprogramming.

I overcame this drive using cognitive based therapy; specifically - I used what I call "unpeeling the psychological onion skin" leaf by leaf technique that each of us naturally and unconsciously builds up.

The technique is called the "vertical-downward arrow" (VDA) technique - and its a very powerful yet simple one to use. All you need is to be really honest with yourself when answering your own questions and be as objective as you can, as if you were both Growing Pain and a judge or jury listening in on your case to decide "guilty of imperfection or not guilty".

I urge you to pick up a copy of Dr. David Burns book called "Feeling Good". This book should be read by everyone and contains the 10 forms of distorting thinking and the VDA.

OK, in a nutshell here's what it boils down to:

First, from my analysis, the final conclusion seems to always "I will only be loved/lovable if I am/act a certain way."

What a person feels they must be like, act like, and why, is always very specific to each person. No two persons answer is usually the same. And all of this is locked in our subconscious, outside of our every day awareness, but easily accessible.

The technique is as follows.

1. Write down a statement relating to why you are upset/depressed, etc. Example: I feel bad because I am not perfect all the time.

2. Find the grain of truth: On a scale of 1 to 10, where do you think you fit in. "1" is you are a totally inept idiot with nothing but faults, and "10" is the model of absolute perfection. Using your case as an example, let's say you answer "I'm a "3". Next, make a general list of reasons you feel you do right/perfect and wrong/imperfect, and then be honest with your honest. ie "Am I really a 3?

I am certain you, as the judge or juror, would conclude that you are probably "not guilty of imperfection" because of all the things you do and how hard you try to do your best, your grooming is meticulous, etc., etc.

3. Ask yourself: What would it mean to me "if"?

Example: "OK, Growing Pain, you're a 7 on a scale of 10 because you are this way and that way. But what would it mean to you if you weren't a 10? or a 7?" Your answer is always personal to you. Example: "Well, it would mean that I wouldn't be admired." "OK and what would it mean to you if you weren't admired?" and keep asking that same question (ie, "what woud it mean to you if you weren't ____?" after each answer.

Maybe write down you answers in the beginning so you can refer to them later on.

The bottom line seems to be "If I am not a certain way, I will be unlovable."

I hope this helps. Welcome to the Forum is you are new here, and don't be shy to ask me any questions about what I just wrote.

Johnny

 

[growingpains]

Thanks Johnny, that makes a lot of sense. It probably stems from the fact that I was punished growing up for showing emotion and showing my personality. It would make a lot of sense. So now I feel vulnerable with others because I am honestly afraid to show my true emotions or personality out of fear that it makes me vulnerable or not "perfect". I am going to try your list approach. It looks very helpful! The worst thing about it is that I know it really does not matter to anybody else how I look/act. It is personal. I need to learn that it is okay to feel, and to be vulnerable and let my PTSD guard down. That is a tough one. Thanks so much for your help and words of wisdom.

 

[goingonhope]

:hello: growingpains & Welcome to the forum!

Hope

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi GP

Yup - you're right - it's not easy. But keep this in mind - what it really boils down to is "I will never be good enough to love myself fully".

People who don't like/love me or you - they come and go - a dime a dozen - out of our lives.

But we are around "me" 24/7. So the the trick is to fair fight with yourself and say screw the others if they don't like em - I like me! Other people like me!

In my case, I like who I am quite a bit - but that has lots to do with thinking stuff like "hey - I am really good at this and hey, I really suck at that", and not letting either opinions go to my head. ie. imperfect and lovable anyways. No one is ever everything they dreamed or wished they would be.

It takes a whole whack more effort to be who we are not, then who we are, but like all things, this needs to be unlearned, and if there's abuse in the background, it's that much harder because the messages have been ingrained over a period of time.

HOWEVER, once you overcome all or most of it - and you will if you just keep trying GP - you will have a solid foundation of who GP is that can't be shaken up like it used to be. And when it is shaken up now and then, just remind yourself "I'm only human".

Let us know how you make out - even if it's minor progress because all progress usually minor.

 

[kaddy1]

Hi growingpains!! I can relate to your "don't sweat the small stuff" attitude. One of my favorite sayings is "If it didn't blow up and nobody died, then it wasn't that big of a deal"

 

[MontanaJem]

I also have major trust issues and that is something I am working on the most right now...it doesn't do any good in life to go around thinking the worst of people...I am also eternally optimistic. I love challenges because they show me how strong I am. I am a bit strange that I don't "get" when people make a big deal over little problems in life...but then I could just say try walking around in my shoes.

While I am not a PTSD sufferer, but a carer, I have been through some traumatic experiences and what I quoted from you above is something I could have written myself word for word.

I had to smile when I read your comment about people thinking that a big issue is when they think they're fat or when their hair is out of place. I generally just humor them the best I can. :smile: