I Have Never Seen Myself As A Victim

[catjudo]

Welcome, growingpains.

kaddy1--LOL, I like that saying. I'm going to try to remember that one. :thumbs-up

 

[growingpains]

Thanks for the responses. I too love that saying Kaddy1. My favorite thing is when I come across the type of person that really really feels sorry for themself and does not see how "good" they have it. I just think, give me a break...at least you don't get flashbacks and nightmares because people didn't treat you right. :) It is good to have a sense of humor with the PTSD. Everyone is "special" in their own way. I just happen to get flashbacks and nightmares when I am over-stressed...like many others here I am sure.
This should give you a laugh (symptoms and response from PTSD):
"If you have trouble sleeping, you should just relax."
"GP, you stress too much."
"GP, you take life way too seriously sometimes."
"GP really needs a lover, just look how stressed she gets." I enjoyed over-hearing this one.:P

 

[MontanaJem]

No one is ever everything they dreamed or wished they would be.

Amen and amen! The old saying goes that we are our own worst critic and it's true. We tend to see all the negative and don't recognize the positive, especially if we haven't had positive reinforcement in our lives.

What has helped me is to focus on what I know to be positive about me but it took a long time to figure that out.

I had to objectively look at personality traits and talents and recognize that they were MY unique positives. I had to quit looking at everybody else's positives and realize that I could not live up to ALL of them! :rofl:

I also had to realize that my negatives were not unique - that EVERYBODY has them - it's just that most people tend to hide them. :wink:

Jem

 

[growingpains]

That is the strange thing...people who know me well cannot believe that I have issues. They say, well you have done this, and that, and try to list out how many things I have accomplished in my life and try to encourage me to see that I am a successful person but I don't see it myself. I am blind to my own success and see my faults in neon lights. I get praise and all I hear is criticism. I am trying to find balance in life but there is so much I still want to accomplish and the hardest thing is just to have enough energy to try to have enough strength to do what I NEED to do in order to survive. I think if I can manage this, and finally get some stability in my life I will finally feel like it was all worth something.

 

[growingpains]

Everyone Except You Deserves Happiness

Everytime I have felt happy in life something tragic has happened. The PTSD has seriously limited my spectrum of emotion and I get scared when I start to feel "happy". It honestly stresses me out and is a trigger. It is a fact that something bad ALWAYS happens when I feel happy. It is not just in my head, but my memories, and my life. I feel cursed. I want to be happy. I am jealous when I see people that just look happy and carefree as I pretend to be in front of others just so I won't burden them with the tragedy that has been my life. I want to let go of my past and leave it behind me. It haunts me. The perps killed me. I don't feel and when I do I accept the negative emotions but try to reject the positive ones. I am used to feeling bad. I am afraid of happiness. Life is short, and I want to be happy. I surround myself with abusive people often because that is what I know. I don't know normal. If someone tries to reach out and help me up I am suspicious instead of just appreciative. I think--I can fight my own battles in life. If I fall off my bike I dust off my OWN knees and get up again. I don't need others...but I do. I am only human. Please...how do I allow myself to just feel happy...why do I just feel so much pain that I just want to go through life without feeling anything good?

 

[tryintobreathe]

Growingpains,

Welcome to the forum. I don't have any specific answers for you but I do understand a lot of what you are going through. Are you or have you ever been in therapy for your PTSD? This is a great place with a lot of excellent information and some very wonderful people. I wish you all the best in your journey.

Jen

 

[growingpains]

Thanks...yes I have been through a lot of therapy over the years. I got the PTSD diagnosis many years ago. The problem is that I have had Stockholm syndrome and I am finally ready to tackle my whole history now. So far my experience on this site has been positive except for a couple posting errors--sorry. I have made a lot of progress...but most of the progress I make is on my own. I do a lot of what I call "self therapy". I read up on popular techniques to deal with different issues I am faced with and grab the bull by the horns. Thanks for your response.

 

[Waga]

Hi Growingpains (beautiful name by the way),

I would recommend you to read a book: "Reinventing Your Life. The breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior... and Feel Great Again" written by a bunch of psychologist, but with really easy to understand language. There is a chapter there devoted to perfectionists like yourself. I am sure you'll find it very useful.